You did know

How much you were my conqueror,

And that

My sword, made weak by my affection

Would obey it on all cause.

— Shakespeare, Antony and Cleopatra III, 11

EVEN the great Antony admitted to being conquered by his woman, so what chance do lesser men have when they deal with their spouses?! It seems to be a constant power struggle in many households, and even though it appears that the men are in charge, it’s the women who really wield the power, unfortunately abusing it in some cases.

Remember the phrase, ‘Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.’ So, as the men boast that they are ‘Man abroad’, secretly they are ‘Boy at yard’. But before that, let’s see some feedback to ‘Shopkeepers’.

Teerob,

The women who come to the uninformed conclusion that they can use sex to spite real men are foolish. Apart from being too busy being successful, other women are always waiting to be at a man’s pleasure. It is foolish of the women to evoke within their minds a sense of control where men are concerned. It’s like walking on eggshells. Spite leads to spite and the beginning of a vicious cycle that could end up with the better supplier of the goods taking the business. There is good, better, best, so women, you should find out what category you fall in before you close your doors.

Desmond

Tony,

The lock-shop thing is real, but to a wise man it is a blessing in disguise because it makes one stronger as you exercise your sense of self-control and endure the drought. You simply do without this need that is withheld, be it six months or whatever. When a shop is open and an unbelievable sale is offered, you refuse to buy and you demonstrate by your actions, and not words, that you have survived the drought so long, that one can live without entering that particular shop and thus the shopkeeper will be taught a lasting lesson. If she is smart, she may not lock shop again, especially if the merchandise is old. You teach by actions, not words.

Glenford

Now, on to the sad tale of men who have no say at home, and in some horrible cases, suffer emotional and physical abuse that would bring tears to your eyes, even though some people still see it as a laughing matter. Even police often laugh at men who report spousal abuse. “What yu say?… haha… yu wife drop lick pon you?… snicker snicker.”

In some cases it’s a tragi-comedy, played out within the confines of the bedroom and only comes to light when the poor man can’t take any more. Domestic violence is a scourge of society, but sadly, it’s thought to be a one-way street, with men abusing women only. Not so, as Mavado’s song says.

A whappen to some worthless man

Me nuh know…listen

She do it again…she beat him

Yu nuh see di boy gyal a ill-treat him.

Again, she defeat him

She a fight fi di cream fi di bleaching.

Once again, she beat him.

Him go out with him friend and haffi sneak in

Again, the plastic greet him.

How gyal fi tell me say me cyaan go party with friends

Di worthless boy make di gyal kick him

And bax him and call him with friends

She done know, woman nuh fi run man life

When Friday come, she collect him pay

An a next man meet har half way

Just a few of the words from Mavado that highlight the plight of the ‘man abroad but boy at yard’ syndrome, that is a part of our social fabric. To take it even further, the Observer’s lead headline of Tuesday, February 16 screamed, ‘Battered Men’, and explored the sorry phenomenon of men abused by their women.

Senior policy analyst at the Bureau of Women’s Affairs, Dave Noel Williams, said the abuse of men by women is far more widespread than thought. He pointed out that most men prefer that the story remains a secret, because for the most part, being abused by a woman is considered a ‘shame’ or a ‘sin’ in Jamaica. Well, I have addressed this issue before, and the response that I got from some abused men was astounding. And yet, there are some women who do not see what they are doing as abuse, even if they hit the man.

Senior policy analyst at the Bureau of Women’s Affairs, Dave Noel Williams, said the abuse of men by women is far more widespread than thought. He pointed out that most men prefer that the story remains a secret, because for the most part, being abused by a woman is considered a ‘shame’ or a ‘sin’ in Jamaica. Well, I have addressed this issue before, and the response that I got from some abused men was astounding. And yet, there are some women who do not see what they are doing as abuse, even if they hit the man.

“Is just a likkle slap, dat can’t hurt big tough man.” And even if they don’t physically hit the men, they still don’t see their action as abuse. But abuse comes in many forms, and quite a few men walking around with their chests held high and strutting like they’re peacocks, big men abroad, are really boys at yard, and have to keep their mouths shut as soon as they go home.

Perhaps it started with their upbringing, as boys were always told never to hit girls, even if they were hit first. Some girls took advantage of that, and started to abuse boys even from then. Combine this with the fact that some mothers bully and cow their sons into submission from their early years, these boys grow up into men, thinking that is the norm, and subconsciously are drawn to women who treat them the same way.

When he constantly refers to his spouse as ‘my wife’ and never refers to her by name, it’s an indication. Everything is, “My wife says… my wife did… my wife suggests… my wife bought this… my wife insisted… my wife couldn’t stand that… my wife really objected…” Sometimes I have to ask them, “Tell me something boss, ‘my wife’ don’t have a name?”

These men leave everything up to their wives, and after a while, they themselves lose not only their persona, but their cojones, their testicular fortitude. Nature abhors a vacuum, and as soon as he loses his gonads, she grows her own to compensate. The wife is a constant reference, the wife is Google, the wife is Encyclopaedia Britannica. “I wonder if I should take this job… let me ask my wife.”

“How many litres in a gallon… let me ask my wife.”

“I wonder if rain going to fall tomorrow. What yu think, Honey?”

“I wonder if rain going to fall tomorrow. What yu think, Honey?”

Now, I’m all for partnership and sharing, but you know that a man is a boy at yard when his wife is the one who has the last say in everything. Some men hand over all their finances to their wives, and I mean all, in effect, relinquishing their power and losing their independence, for without her say-so, he cannot make a move, can’t buy anything, can’t make any financial transaction.

I addressed this a few months ago, and it was just recently that a goodly parson who had read that article stopped me in the supermarket and voiced his approval. He told me that he had to go to the bank and sort out an error, as they had his account as being ‘joint’ but his wife was the primary signatory.

“I had to correct this grave error, and let them know that it was my account, and she was only a secondary signatory, I am in charge,” he said. Apparently the practice was so prevalent at that bank that they assumed that the wife was the one who ran things. And yet, some men hand over and leave everything up to their wives.

These ‘men abroad but boy at yard’ are even subjected to the humiliation of having to be grateful for sex from these women, for the loss of his power is her gain. And what’s more powerful than sex? They only have sex when she says so, and he dare not say or think otherwise. And yet, out on the street he boasts of his prowess to his friends, how he calls the shots, and he says when, where and how.

But still, the power-sex mentality pervades. It’s an abuse of power on their part. But sadly, so many men are living under that regime and are afraid to rise up, take back their power, have a coup, grow back their cojones and be men abroad and men at yard too.

Mr Williams from the Women’s Affairs Centre continued, “I would say that a lot of men are suffering, but they are suffering underneath because they can’t come out and talk about it.” Perhaps it’s time they also establish a Men’s Affairs Centre too, as the instances of abuse are so prevalent. But that’s just my humble suggestion. What I have found is that many of these men are in denial, and when the subject is brought up, they casually shrug it off and say, “Weak… Oh not at all… it’s just easier to let her run things.”

But the signs and symptoms are there, and the loss of power is a dangerous precedent, for the sins of the father are often passed down to the sons. And when that son grows up in that environment, he too may very well grow up to be a man abroad but a boy at yard, for he sees it as being normal, and children live what they learn. Man abroad but boy at yard… which are you?

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Still on the subject of abuse, I was appalled to see the findings of a recent poll that showed that the majority of people interviewed saw nothing wrong with children being conked on the head, spat on and even kicked. Now, I do believe in corporal punishment, for boys only… spare the rod and all that, but administered by a designated teacher only, and not just any random, anger-filled bully. Back in my day, we were sent to the office for caning by the principal or deputy principal… nobody else. But to advocate spitting on or kicking a child is simply mind-boggling. Is this why so many of our children are messed up?