The 50/50 myth

IN years gone by, men took pride in bringing home the bacon. They would pay for the expenses of the home, pay for their wives’ physical ‘upkeep’, and basically be the providers, while the other half took care of the home.

With women becoming ‘independent’, the dynamics of relationships shifted. And nowadays many women are the breadwinners, and many men the homemakers.

Relationships are supposed to be 50/50, no matter which partner actually goes out to work. But, as some women will tell you, even when they’re out in the world slaving away, they still have to return home and allow their men to take the dominant position in some aspects of the relationship. To them, the 50/50 rule is nothing more than a farce.

“From all the years I’ve been married, my marriage has never been 50/50. It’s been 70/30 or 60/40 and even 95/five. Marriage to me is a dynamic relationship. And just by virtue of being dynamic it changes sometimes in favour of one party or the other,” said Dorothy, who has been married for over 15 years.

“I think if either one of us should start to demand more of the other this would disrupt the equilibrium and send everything out of whack. What we have now is working and apart from some minor tweaks, there is nothing I would change.”

For 38-year-old Doris, it’s difficult not to want to keep score, “especially when you believe that you are doing more in the relationship.

“Scorekeeping is not fair to him or to you so this will eventually lead to built-up resentment for your partner. And trust me when I say that you can’t keep back resentment for long as it will seep out into what you say, you will start murmuring, your face will just be sour all the time,” she said.

“A relationship that is not 50/50 should not be seen as a lopsided one. Different ratios work for different couples. Exploitation should never be the aim of the relationship. If one spouse feels as if they are being taken advantage of, if your differences cannot be reconciled, then you should dissolve the relationship.”

Counsellor David Anderson advises that roles be discussed during pre-marital counselling to prevent issues like these from arising.

“That’s the point of getting a third party involved before you unite — to work out the kinks with you,” he said.

“If these are not addressed early, then it becomes problematic in the future when the rose-coloured glasses come off.”