Hubby threatened by wife’s earning power

THIRTY-five-year-old Sharon recently completed her MBA, leading to a salary increase that far outweighs her husband’s earnings. Money has never been an issue in the 10-year marriage before now, she said, but since her accomplishment, her husband feels threatened.

She said he has started to publicly assert himself as the main breadwinner, and refuses her help to meet their daily expenses.

“I understand that he’s used to bringing in the dough, making more, settling bills and ‘protecting’ me, but I’m in a position to help and it’s almost as if he has allowed his ego to get in the way and assumed the role of the macho man who won’t or can’t accept that I am making more and might have to take on more responsibilities than him,” she told All Woman.

Relationship counsellor Wayne Powell said men have been socialised to be the sole breadwinners and financial or economic providers of their families for centuries, but with a dramatic shift in the family structure, especially with an increase of single-parent households plus the educational and career advancement of women, there is a paradigm shift and women are now stepping up to assume such responsibility.

Subsequently, Powell said men are now resorting to alternative ways to deal with the shift of power.

“The man who is from the old school may have difficulty accepting his woman earning more than he does, as he feels somewhat impotent in the relationship. To regain his ‘power and authority’ in the relationship, he may resort to abusive and sometimes violent means to let her know, in no uncertain way, who wears the trousers,” Powell said.

In Sharon’s case, she said her husband has not been abusive in any way or form, but his unwillingness to accept her help has taken an emotional toll on the union.

Dr Fred Hickling, psychiatrist, said in instances where the female earns more than her male counterpart, men might feel frightened and threatened in the relationship.

“Most men cannot handle that. They feel it’s taking over their position and they often become angry and upset,” Dr Hickling said.

But he said problems like Sharon’s usually occur when the relationship started with the man being the main breadwinner.

“Men are willing to accept when the relationship starts out with the woman earning more and they accept it and it’s not a problem, but if it starts with the male as the higher earner and there’s a change in status, things usually go sour,” he said.

Dr Hickling added that conflict resolution in such instances would include the intervention of a third party to work out the balance of power within the relationship.

Powell explained that in modern relationships where the partners are enlightened and accepting of the changing relationship dynamics, the female partner earning more should not be a hindrance but rather an opportunity for genuine partnership to be exercised.

“Everyone brings his or her strengths and weaknesses to the relationship, and so the couple should seek to enable and empower each other. So the woman who might come to the committed relationship with a stronger financial base should not flaunt it over her partner to humiliate him, but should use the funds to the benefit of the family,” he said.