Lover won’t let me meet his family
COUNSELLOR,
I have a partner who claims he has never been married. He had been in a relationship many years ago and fathered five children with their mother. I believe that in itself amounted to a marriage! I have on several occasions asked him to introduce me to his family. Nothing has come of it. We have been together for two years. I am considering asking for some space as I don’t see any other thing which can be done. What do you think?
You are concerned about your boyfriend’s integrity and would like to step things back. Well, truth be told, it always makes sense to be sure. It is better to do your due diligence before making a serious commitment like marital vows. And to this point, regarding your suggestion that his fathering children with a former partner is tantamount to marriage, no it is not. While there are responsibilities he will have in the eyes of the law, it’s still not as binding as marriage (moreso if you’re Christian).
I agree with you that you should be allowed to meet his family, which of course includes his children. That’s an imperative before you get married. There is hardly a good reason for him not to want you to meet his folks; that’s red flag-ish. Some people do at times wait for the relationship to be well-progressed before introducing their partner to their family. This is to avoid any possible confusion if things don’t work out. But two years seems like a well-progressed relationship.
Some people are ashamed of their background. They are ashamed of where they’re from or afraid of what their partner may think of their family, or what their family may think of their partner. But that’s not reason enough not to bring the parties together. It has to be done. And the fears must be overcome. Because when you marry someone, you are indeed, of sorts, marrying their kinsfolk.
Meeting the children in particular is very important. That meet-up could give you some important information about his care for them and his history with their mother, etc. The fact that you’ve had to ask is concerning. After the first year, once the relationship seemed serious, I’d expect that he’d be happy to introduce you to the children.
I suggest:
Set an ultimatum: Let him know how you feel and that things will take a break if you can’t meet his family. Let him know transparency is critical for intimacy. There can’t be a healthy relationship with secrets and questions. Give him a timeline to address your concern.
Busy yourself: Get comfortable in your own skin again. Be busy building yourself and entertaining yourself. Put things in place that if the relationship goes sideways, you’ll be fine. As I say, no one but God must own your soul. You must be free to say, “No!” and move on if you can’t find synergy with your partner. Don’t wrap up the condition of your soul absolutely and completely into anyone but the Lord. Yep, Adam should have dumped Eve. We’d all be better off today. Don’t go down the road of error with your partner, at any cost. Fight for it, but know when to quit!
Dig a little: Don’t be afraid to do some checking yourself. There are ways to find out if he’s been married before. Maybe you could speak to a lawyer. However, if it all feels tedious and stressful, then it may be too much for too little.
Get counselling: Yes, you can come together, or you can come alone. There are many potentially beautiful relationships that fail, when all that was needed was a safe space for discussion and useful advice. Maybe he needs help with his fears. Or maybe there’s a simple misunderstanding.
I pray for wisdom for you and for transparency for both of you.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
