Wife wants her groove back with new man
Counsellor,
My husband was MIA emotionally and physically for the last six months, and during that time I suspected that he was cheating. We were living together, but there was no intimacy, no support, no acknowledgement. During the time he ‘left’, instead of being despondent, I reconnected with an old friend who made me feel desirable again. I’m in a dilemma now, because like Lazarus my husband has revived, and is now acting like my partner again — loving, respectful, desirable, and bringing me gifts. In the meantime, my old friend is coming to Jamaica next week, and wants to see me, and me him. I’m wondering if I should just risk it all for a night of passion, or stick with my husband, who may just revert to being terrible again. What do you say?
You are contemplating infidelity, especially because you think your husband may have been unfaithful too. Well, you do deserve to “feel desirable”. And you do deserve to enjoy a meaningful and passionate relationship. But what ultimately do you want to achieve from the hook-up with this old friend? Realise that’s a big gamble! And as with gambling, the worst thing that can often happen is to win what you thought you needed. Because winning can get you hooked to gambling. Similarly, the “hook-up” can get you hooked to a bad new habit. Remember, ‘trouble never set like rain’.
Your best bet is to stick with your husband. When certain bad choices, or bad habits, are formed, those who know about it often trust you less. And the same person that joins you in a bad choice, or the habit, they often respect you less too. Your “old friend” himself may not trust you much later. He may suppose that you’ll hook up with someone else as you did with him.
The
Bible says this, “He will be held by the cords of his own sin” (Proverbs 5:22b) — that is, bad behaviour leads to more bad behaviour. Choosing inappropriate behaviour, knowing it is inappropriate, causes you to be tied up and tangled up. Those “cords”, some call “soul-ties”, when it relates to inappropriate sexual behaviour. Sex in a marriage creates a deep bonding between a husband and wife. So those “cords” are good. But in other instances, a deep spiritual and emotional bounding happens, without meaningful commitment or long-term agreement, and that’s not good.
So, determine what you ultimately want for your life. Because that “night of passion” can jeopardise the thing you may really want, need, and deserve, which is a beautiful life with your husband. I suggest that you cancel the escapade. If you were separated or divorced, then maybe a new relationship could have been formed. But your younger self made a pledge to the man that is your husband. You committed to be with him and for him. And chances are your younger self said, “for better or worse”, and “till death do us part”. So do your best not to be the ultimate cause of the failure of your marriage.
Remember, you don’t know with certainty that your husband cheated. And if you did, it would still be prudent to unravel things with your husband before getting into another situation. But you’ve said “Lazarus” is resurrected. He is back to being your “partner” again — loving, desirable, etc. Well, sit and speak with him and let him know how you feel. Let him know he can’t go missing in action like that again and expect everything to be well with you. Consider booking a counselling session so that you both can discuss any challenges.
Every marriage has vicissitudes, even the ones that look perfect. Ups and downs, good times and hard times, are like salt and pepper to a delicious meal. They “season-up” a marriage, giving it “flavour”, making each story special. This is your spicy marriage situation. I say, do the best for it and make the best of it.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
