WE often think of abuse as bruises or screaming matches behind closed doors. But the truth is, abuse can wear a softer face, a charming smile, a romantic gesture, or a seemingly harmless request. It’s a discussion that re-emerged last week in the ongoing Sean Combs court case in the United States, where, when seen through a gendered lens, abuse is less about isolated violence and more about imbalance — who has control, how they use it, and who loses themselves in the process.

“Power and coercion don’t only show up in headlines or extreme cases. They live quietly in the corners of many everyday relationships, and are often unnoticed, sometimes even romanticised,” said behavioural disorder specialist Ianeita White.

“In gendered dynamics, coercion often stems from traditional power imbalances: men are conditioned to lead, decide, and dominate, while women are socialised to adapt, accommodate, and avoid conflict. This sets the stage for manipulation that doesn’t look like abuse — but feels like erasure.”

She said even in ordinary, everyday contexts, power, control and co-oercion can usually be identified.

“Consider these everyday examples: ‘If you loved me, you would…’, a phrase that can mask emotional blackmail. Whether it’s sex, forgiveness, or sacrificing a boundary, love should never be a bargaining chip,” White said.

“There’s also controlling what you wear or who you talk to — disguised as ‘just being protective’, but monitoring clothing choices or friendships is about control, not care.”

White said some men also make you feel guilty for spending time with others, and so you start seeing your friends less, not because you want to, but because they make you feel selfish for wanting space. “That’s not affection, that’s isolation. So is monitoring your phone, social media, or location as trust isn’t built on surveillance. If your partner demands access to your private conversations under the guise of ‘transparency’, it’s worth asking: who benefits from that access?”

Red flags to watch out for

“Abuse doesn’t always start with violence. It often starts with discomfort, the kind we instinctively shrink from, even when we can’t quite name why,” White shared.

Here are key red flags she said to be aware of in intimate relationships:

•You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells.

•Your boundaries are repeatedly pushed, tested, or ignored.

•You’re pressured into decisions — sexual, financial, or emotional — that don’t feel right.

•You’re made to feel crazy, overly sensitive, or guilty when you express discomfort.

•You feel isolated from your support system, either through distance or disconnection.

“These patterns often escalate. What begins as subtle control can evolve into more overt forms of abuse, especially when power goes unchallenged,” White said.

“This isn’t about vilifying men or portraying women as helpless. It’s about naming dynamics that are so normalised, they’re often invisible until someone gets hurt.”

She added: “Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, freedom, and safety — not fear, obligation, or control.”