Counsellor, My husband can’t provide anymore because of what he says is mental illness, and I’m tired of the way our roles have shifted. He came home the other day and said his job was messing with his mental health, and then he quit, without having anything in place. Now I’m being the man of the house, carrying the household on one income. He refuses to get therapy, and just lies on the couch watching TV. If he was doing chores in the house it wouldn’t be so bad, but he hasn’t even taken on a manly role in that area. Is this the ‘for better or worse’ that people speak of? I need a real man, and I’m tired of wearing the pants.

Your husband has stopped earning and doing chores and it is frustrating you. Understood. I commend you for seeking help and not just writing him off. Most people would be very upset with a partner who’s not pulling their weight. It’s said, “Many hands make light work”. And the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 4:9, “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour”. Yes, marriage is supposed to make burdens lighter, not heavier. So you are justified to feel the way you do. And it’s understandable that you’re now tired.

You’ve said, “Our roles have shifted”. Does that mean that at one point he was carrying the load? If so, it could be he feels burnt out and now needs a break. Is that a possibility? It is also understandable if preserving his mental health was genuine — it’s the same as if he worked at an asbestos filled factory and chose to resign to preserve his health. Your health matters. However, you are correct, he should now be seeking help. And he really should get busy earning again.

My advice:

Don’t give up yet. Yes, marital vows often include “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” to mitigate situations like these. You would not be justified to simply walk away. Your vows require that you give ample effort and opportunity for things to be sorted. Also, be careful with the use of the “a real man” phrase. It is often used in harmful imprudent ways. And “real men” go through breakdowns too. They get ill. They need help at times too. Seek to help fix the man you have, before getting a new one.

Speak to your husband again. The
Bible says in 2 Thessalonians 3:10, “…If any would not work, neither should he eat”. Working is that important. Remind him of the importance of securing his mental health by being productive — being productive and being purpose driven is also good for his mental health. Let him know you are struggling and that you need his “help”. Maybe take off the “pants” and be his “damsel in distress”.

Be strategic. Don’t deflate his ego. Do the opposite. Appeal to it wisely. Encourage him. Use every skill you’ve learnt, to stir him back to diligence. Yes, you shouldn’t have to, but that’s love and partnership. His productivity will redound to your blessing. Don’t threaten him — prompt him. Maybe offer something he’d like, if he can earn a certain amount in three months. Then “rinse and repeat” any working technique.

Consider staging an intervention. If nothing is working, get a few close friends or family members to conduct a pow-wow with him. Ask them to help you encourage him back to productivity. Let them know you’re breaking under the pressure and need his care, demonstrated by renewed productivity.

Get counselling. Consider booking a session and then informing him of the date and time. Just say, “Babe, I’ve booked us a session with a counsellor for…”

I pray that your husband will be restored and your marriage will be secured. I stand ready to help you further if needed.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.