COUNSELLOR, I am engaged to be married but I strongly believe in not getting a puss in bag, and so I would want to consummate things before marriage. However, my fiancée is against this, and wants to wait for our wedding night. But what if we have problems later? I believe this would help us both, as she would also know if I am capable of satisfying her.

You want to have sex with your fiancée before your wedding day, especially because you want to ensure both of you can satisfy each other sexually. Understood. On the issue of consummating things, no, you really can’t “consummate things” prior to your wedding. Consummation is about confirming your marriage through sexual intercourse after the wedding. But your concern is legitimate. Though the way to ensure sexual compatibility really isn’t just about a “taste-and-see” approach. It’s more about planning and preparing.

Forget the “puss in bag” argument. Yes, you “believe in it” but you can develop a better perspective: The most important issue for sexual compatibility and ultimately a great sex life is gaining a healthy perspective on sex. As it is said, the largest sexual organ is not your genitals, it’s your brain. Your mindset will make your sexual intercourse remarkable or horrendous. If you are both open and honest, thoughtful and patient, then amazing things can always happen.

Know that transparency creates great intimacy. If sufficient discussion and transparency happens between you, then a good sex life becomes easy; no matter the present “proficiency level”. As long as you are willing to talk openly and honestly about likes and dislikes and develop a willingness to give yourselves completely to each other, you should be fine. The most important “work” in sexual activity is the work of learning and yielding. Also, be open to reading some books on the subject too.

Testing things out now doesn’t guarantee a blissful future. You could satisfy each other now and then fail miserably later on. And, an unimpressive unsatisfactory sexual experience now does not automatically mean incompatibility, nor does it mean a doomed life of sexual misery. Because learning is always the key to gaining proficiency. A mature couple understands that. They understand learning together, joint adventure, and the process of intimate exploration together.

The best of intimacy is progressive — it happens over time, as you learn from each other. You’ll have to learn what works for each other over time. I am not talking about just obtaining an orgasm, which is quite mechanical, especially for men. But you want to aim at achieving proficiency for a healthy long-term relationship. Unfortunately, men often forget to gain proficiency in lovemaking, and not just sex. Don’t make that same mistake. Understand what it takes to be her lover. She’ll also have to learn what it takes to be your lover too. Be prepared to learn!

Once you’ve said, “I do”, that’s when the physical exploration should start, under the banner of a demonstrated commitment. The Bible says in Hebrews 13:4, “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled…” It means that marriage is the “blessed place” to begin the adventures in sexual intercourse — your spouse and yourself alone, as a happy inquisitive team. This is how you truly mitigate problems. Your fiancée seems to be prudent.

If you both can understand these things you can be on your way to passion and a wonderful sex life. Side note: You both should also discuss these essentials:

•STDs — Does anyone have a sexually transmitted disease?

•Aversions — Is there anything you presently fear or despise?

•Abuse — Is there past hurt from sexual abuse?

•Infertility — As far as is known, can you have children?

Ms Lou (Louise Bennett) says, “Everybody come feel up, feel up. Not a quattie worth sell”. And that’s the concern! Everybody touched and didn’t buy. I hope that no one justifies promiscuity using the “puss in bag” argument. I pray that you both will experience true and lasting happiness.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.

.