Counsellor,

Valentine’s Day is coming up soon and I need some advice for my partner, in advance. We have been together four years, and, like clockwork, before the day he will claim that he doesn’t believe in commercialised holidays and gets me nothing, but then right after, when it’s his birthday in March, suddenly he demands that I show and reward him with all the love and gifts. Love gifts are really important to me, and I need to feel special on Valentine’s. Mind you, when we were first dating he was very romantic. I think he’s just cheap and selfish. How can I change this, fast?

Your partner isn’t inclined to do anything in particular for Valentine’s Day, and you want to know what to tell him in order to encourage him to appropriately recognise you on that day. Understood. You are in a romantic relationship; therefore, you have all the right to desire to be romanced, wined and dined. You deserve it! But you will have to be smart about trying to elicit changed behaviour from him.

Whether it is legitimate or otherwise, men can get very defensive when we perceive a demand is being placed on us, especially if we’re under some other pressures — work, finances, or health, etc. Prudence is always required when trying to tease out change. If he was once romantic and now has stopped, it implies something else is going on with him, and it is not that he doesn’t know how to show you affection. The “commercialised holiday” argument may be a cover for the present cop-out.

Men often get defensive at any inkling of feeling dictated to or controlled. We often don’t really respond well to just “being told”. And women can’t seem to be too firm. As I say, consider clues from anatomy: That’s the man’s… position (I’m being discreet). Men are most responsive to “softer” approaches from women. Again, consider clues from anatomy: That’s the woman’s… position. Let attitude match anatomy. For the women who say, “He just can’t handle a strong woman”, you’re correct! Softer works best for men. A softer and strategic approach goes a far way to get men to comply. Note: Aggression will typically turn men off.

The strategy can be as simple as creating the kind of Valentine’s moment you want. He may catch on later. Once he sees the trend he may be motivated to be creative too. Doing it yourself may not be easy, but if he’s sensible he’ll understand what you’re requiring. Demonstrate what you want, not just for his birthday but for joint special days such as anniversaries, holidays, etc. Let him see your standard. Once it’s reasonable and not blowing the family budget, he should learn if he’s sensible! If not, schedule a counselling session.

However, don’t neglect the simple joy of knowing you have a partner to do something special with. I say to wives, for intimacy and romance, learn to make yourself happy. In your case, make your special moments happen. Create the Valentine’s Day you want for yourself. Create the setting and invite him into it. Make yourself happy! If you love him and want to work things through with him then find joy in what you have now. Create the occasions you want. After, if nothing is changing and you’re feeling distressed, reach out for counselling. We may need to unearth what he may not be saying.

Men do have lots to learn from and about women, and their deeper needs. I say to men, are you planning to tie the knot? Once you are married you will have to learn the simple things such as making love, and not just having sex. We men often are oblivious to the “right-brain” behaviour of tenderness, creativity, playfulness, etc. Don’t despair! A big part of the joy of companionship is found in actually learning and growing together. Be patient with him. And I pray that you both will realise the love and happiness you both deserve.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.

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