Counsellor,

My partner insists he didn’t cheat with his ex because nothing physical happened, but he was texting her in a way that was intimate, and deleting messages, confiding in her about our relationship, flirting, etc. When I found out, he focused on proving it didn’t cross that technical boundary, and there was no sex, no kissing, nothing ‘serious’.

I’m struggling because this feels like a loyalty issue and like our relationship was violated. We’re getting married this June and I’m scared.

How do I explain to him that what hurts isn’t whether what he did qualifies as cheating, it’s that he prioritised her attention, was secretive, and sought validation from someone else? Am I overreacting? Or was this actually a breach of respect?

Your fiancé has been in touch with his ex, and he was keeping their contact and the information they were sharing from you. You have since found out about their contact and the things they’ve been discussing, and it is upsetting you. Understood. You are justified to be offended and upset! No, you are not overreacting.

What constitutes cheating is the intimate contact and secrecy. If everything was above board, then he should have no problem openly discussing his contact with her and bringing you into the conversations. Yes, there’s a breach.

You’ve said, “When I found out…” How did you find out? Did he volunteer information? That matters. If he didn’t mention it freely to you and you found out on your own, then, yes, it is a breach of trust. Also, flirting with someone is an indication of attraction and interest. He has some work to do if he wants to make good. Not having been physical with her is not an excuse. And how would you even know that? You’ll have to “trust” what he says. The only way to regain trust is by his remorse and demonstration of change. Pay attention!

Also, he was in close discussion with someone he’s had an intimate relationship with before, and based on your description, their contact was indeed “intimate”. Yes, intimacy is not just in romantic physical contact. Baring the soul can be as intimate as baring the body — it’s actually what often gets women to bare their bodies (that is, intimate words.) Baring his heart, and including information about you, sharing deeply private information, is also a violation of your privacy.

If you both are to enjoy a genuinely intimate relationship going forward, he has to display that he is willing to be absolutely transparent with you about the situation and, generally, true intimacy can’t happen without true transparency. There’s a lot of damage control to do. He has to know, “You do the crime, you do the time”. And it’s a good opportunity to see if he understands that, and if he’s remorseful when he has done wrong. You need to pay attention to how he handles this. Yes, use it to determine if you can go forward. If he’s truly repentant, that’s good.

One of the important signs of readiness for marriage is how your partner handles their exes. There should be no exes “circling them”. There should be no inclination to have an ex close at hand. If their ex is clearly a platonic friend, then they must be a friend to you both. Contact must predominantly be limited and open. If your fiancé is not at that stage, and not emotionally free from his ex, then he’s not ready for marriage. He may need an ultimatum.

Pay attention to his actions over the next few weeks. I strongly recommend premarital counselling, if you aren’t already receiving it. Raise this issue in a session. This issue must be well rectified before moving on. You have to protect yourself. A June wedding shouldn’t happen without good premarital counselling.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.