WITHOUT delay, no preamble, not even official goodbye to the royal visitor, I shall dive straight into this week’s ramblings.

My friends are very interesting people. One of them recently asked me, “Who would you choose: a partner with bad breath or one with stinky feet?” Hmmm… I pondered for a while because both are equally creepy. But, being a good sport I played along and chose chigga-foot Larry over sewermouth Harry.

My reasoning is, the feet I can always cover up and they are further from my nose. Also, if my man’s feet were really cheesy, I would employ the following techniques: Get him to leave his shoes and socks outside away from the house, have a pan of soap and bleach water at the door for immediate cleansing before entry into the house; dash baking soda generously over the thoroughly washed feet and have fresh socks on hand so that I could at least have some semblance of clean air whenever we cuddle.

I have no idea how to tolerate a highly offensive mouth odour — none whatsoever! Every Jamaican knows that the quickest way to upgrade a quarrel to a fight is to tell another yardie about his mother or that his mouth stinks — instant fisticuffs. Now I’m fully aware that some people have a medical condition that causes them to have bad breath and I’m truly feeling it for them, sickness is no respector of persons, therefore they are excluded for the purposes of this column.

I, myself, have had moments of halitosis and thankfully, had the good fortune to catch it in time before people started talking. I’m very conscious of my breath because I love to speak and I like to speak loudly and into people’s faces. For these reasons I constantly do the breathe check (blowing into the hands) and walk with my mints and chewing gum just to be on the safe side. If I do not eat meals on time or have sinus issues my breath will rise up like a samurai warrior and singe the hair of my listeners eyebrows, so it happens, that’s life, it doesn’t mean I have to assault others continuously.

Most people will remember that awkward moment when you had the unpleasant task of informing a friend, family member or colleague about BO (body odour), or bad breath. In high school, I can recall the entire class writing letters and leaving them in the desk of an offender and the girl left the school and never returned. Looking back now I see that thirty-odd letters all at once may have been overkill for a fragile teenage personality.

Bad breath can be caused from tooth decay and gum problems and most people with these issues talk with their hands over their mouths like somehow the hand will act as an impenetreble shield and block the smell. It always arouses my sick sense of humour, makes me want to box away the hand and run away chuckling. Call me twisted, but I look not into the eyes of the person I’m speaking to during conversation but gaze instead at the mouth. Food residue, chakka-chakka teeth and bad breath really make me crazy. So I don’t know how I could be with a date that has all of the above. I would probably just blurt it out, crush his ego and save us both the drama.

Which would you choose and why? Clue me in via elvachatalot@yahoo.com or on Twitter @ElvaJamaica. In the meantime, continue to brush, floss and take care of your personal hygiene because you don’t want to have people talking behind your back about it and they will. Most importantly, work with the vendor who stalks you bawling out ‘Wrigleys’… sometimes it’s a hint. Have a great weekend.