SAV-LA-MAR, Westmoreland

Family counsellors in western Jamaica are advising victims of domestic abuse to regain control of their lives by speaking up and getting help at the first sign of abuse.

“Bawl out, scream bloody murder,” advised a passionate Elise Thomas, who gave a rousing address to women at a one-day seminar on domestic abuse in Westmoreland last week. “If you are walking down the road and a stranger approaches you and assaults you, the first thing you do is bawl out, so why not when you spouse do it,” she asked.

Thomas, chairman of the Montego Bay branch of Women’s Inc, said silence is one of the main tools abusers use against their partners, as women – the usual victims – suffer in silence fearing shame at disclosure.

“Speak out and speak up,” she persuaded. “Do not take on the shame of the abuser, you did not hit yourself, he did.

Empower yourself with workable skills; come and talk to us about your problems,” she added to thunderous applause.

Her colleague Ajalar Mekuria gave similar advice. “The moment it starts, do something about it because it’s going to get progressively worse,” warned the trained social worker, who has been counselling women at Women’s Inc for over ten years.

Thomas said that the earlier counseling is sought the better.

“It’s usually harder when you work together and build a life and have to walk away from it,” warned Thomas who was speaking against the background of situations where the abuse started before the couple got married.

She also warned that it was a mistake for women to stay in abusive situations because of their children.

“It is the children who pay because the parents are so mad at each other that they don’t get the love and attention they need,” she said.

Family counsellor Reverend Carlton Wilson agrees.

Wilson, pastor of the Savanna-la-mar Baptist Church and a counsellor at the Family Court for 13 years, said it is most detrimental for children to live in these abusive, dysfunctional homes.

In fact, he said the most it will do is breed future abusers. “One of the things I have picked up over time in almost all the cases, is that the abuser has himself been abused and it impedes his relationships with others,” said Wilson. “These are persons whose social skills were never developed,” he remarked.

In fact, he said, it is worse when the woman is so abused that she is not functioning as she should and inadvertently neglects her own children. “In my experience, I have found that many men who go on to abuse women were neglected by their own mothers, so there is a mistrust of women.”

Meanwhile, both Mekuria and Wilson spoke to the need for the police, usually the first responders, to handle cases of domestic abuse with utmost care. “The police handle these situations as if it were a family matter,” charged Mekuria.

He advises that abusers be locked up whether the woman requests this or not. “If you assault a stranger you get locked up, so what about your own spouse,” said Mekuria, who related stories of women coming to his office bruised and swollen while the spouses who committed the crime roamed free.

Wilson had even harsher words for the police. “They need to take action immediately (in cases of domestic violence), that’s what they are paid for.”