‘Tis not the many oaths

That make the truth,

But the plain single vow

That is vow’d true.

— Shakespeare, All’s Well That Ends Well, IV, 2

I don’t think that people take oaths or make vows with any seriousness or conviction anymore. This includes the vows of matrimony that they recite with such relish and aplomb. How easily the words are spoken, promises made, only to be broken with the passage of time.

This includes the vow to remain faithful to your partner. And even if a vow was not verbalised, certainly there is some unwritten code that suggests that you will be faithful to each other. But the statistics say otherwise, and the people who are unfaithful seem to be in the majority, making it the rule rather than the exception. Unfaithfully yours is real, and shall be explored right after some feedback.

Mr Robinson Crusoe,

How are things down in the Caribbean basin? Well, it’s bloody cold here in the ‘good ole’ USA. I must say that for the first time I disagree to a certain extent with the statement articulated in your footnote on Jamaicans returning home. While I will agree with you that times are tough for most people, both here in America and in Jamaica, don’t think that many Jamaicans up here are willing to give up the American way of life and quality of life to return to Jamaica.

This is especially true for those who work in professions that are high in demand, such as doctors, teachers, nurses and lawyers which pay fairly well. The one thing I know though, is that once you get used to the American lifestyle, it’s hard to give it up. I am not sure if I could be able to live back in Jamaica after living here for such a long time. It’s just hard, no matter how things are in America.

Keffery

NY, New York

I love to listen to what people have to say, as every opinion is valuable. Recently I have been tuning in to some young people as they aired their views on relationships. I must say I was somewhat surprised by what I heard, as the level of cynicism rivalled that of people who were much older and who had been battered and bruised in the emotional maelstrom.

What I heard was, “Everyone seems to be unfaithful, so why should I put my trust in anybody?”

“Every boyfriend I have had, has been unfaithful, so why should I believe that the next one will be any different?”

“It’s just the norm, it’s expected that being unfaithful is a part of the landscape.”

“If I can find one person who I know won’t be unfaithful, I’d bet my life on him, but I know that’s impossible.”

That’s the mood and feeling of so many people who I speak to, so as a result, they enter into relationships with trepidation, anxiety and negativity. But who can blame them, for to be forewarned is to be forearmed, and the tales certainly forewarn them. Now, I know I’m treading on dangerous ground, for the knee-jerk reaction of many people is to say, “Here he goes again, why can’t he find anything good to say about relationships? After all, mine is good and my man isn’t unfaithful.” And that is my dilemma, for the very same people who say those things are the ones who have either been unfaithful or their partner has been unfaithful and they do not know.

I can count so many wives and so many husbands who have confessed to me about a past bout of unfaithfulness, and yet, they purport to be in a happy relationship. In their minds, past indiscretions or one-night flings don’t count. Yet, they will cuss the daylights out of me for broaching the subject. “Lord Teerob, I don’t know who you been talking to, but there never has been any unfaithfulness in my relationship.” I dare not answer.

I’m sure you may have seen the many letters to the advice columns from men and women, admitting to their being unfaithful and then asking advice or seeking absolution. So many have indulged in one-night stands as they went out of town on business trips, or came to town for seminars or meetings.

One lady wrote to the doctor last week that it’s quite possible that a condom is lodged inside her from an affair she had with a young man who came to work at her house. The problem is, she and her husband do not use condoms, and he insists on going to the doctor with her and she is scared that the doctor will remove it in his presence. She asks what she should do.

Men write that they meet women, have unprotected sex and now fear the worst. If you really want an insight into the human condition, read those advice columns or listen to the advice and Sexwise shows on the radio, and you will be thoroughly informed.

Is it a case that people are being more unfaithful now, or that they’re just now more open with it? And what are the causes? Let’s take the case of the married man who has his wife and kids but decides to be unfaithful. At what point did the bells go off in his head to say, “Hey, enough time has elapsed, I’m married long enough, time to be unfaithful now.” Was it six months after the wedding, one year, five years, or after the proverbial seven-year-itch?

So he takes a mistress, and joins the ranks of the unfaithful. They carry on behind closed doors, having hurried, risky encounters. But still, he’s not leaving his wife, but would rather be unfaithfully yours. The other woman though, feels special, for in her mind he’s depriving his wife of loving, and giving it to her instead. But after a while the sneaking around gets to her, and she wants more. “Listen, I’m tired of skulking around in the shadows of your life like some gyal gyal. When are you leaving her, when are we going public?”

In nine out of 10 cases that’s the exit visa for her, for no way is he leaving his wife. Take a poll, more men leave their mistresses and stay with their wives than leave their wives for their mistresses. What many women have told me is, “I cannot believe how easily he dropped me after I demanded more, after all these years. He just left and resumed his status as a married man.”

In nine out of 10 cases that’s the exit visa for her, for no way is he leaving his wife. Take a poll, more men leave their mistresses and stay with their wives than leave their wives for their mistresses. What many women have told me is, “I cannot believe how easily he dropped me after I demanded more, after all these years. He just left and resumed his status as a married man.”

What many women fail to realise is that when a man is unfaithful with them, he’s only using them for a good time, and rarely will he leave his wife for them. If she were so ‘special’ the man would pack up lock, stock, and barrel and be with her full-time, instead of having her for supplemental sex. But still they persist, insist and live in hope so much so that many become serial mistresses, flitting from one married man to another, never ever choosing a single man.

I’m sure the behavioural experts have a name for it. “My word, what a gyal love married man. From I know her is pure married man she deh wid. Is like her skin ketch a fire when married man talk to har.” One possible reason is that married men, although being unfaithfully yours, are more stable, and don’t run around as much as a single man would.

That, plus the fact that if he’s married he must be a good catch. I’ll always remember this wife tearfully telling me that now that her married lover was breaking up with his wife, she could no longer carry on her affair with him, as in her words, “He’s now back on the streets.”

The logic of the unfaithfully yours can be sound. From the man’s perspective, I often hear the words, “My being unfaithfully yours is no reflection on how I feel towards my wife who I happen to love dearly. That piece on the side means far less to me, and just like in employment, last come, first to go.” That’s not what they tell the women on the side though, for he’ll keep the fun as long as it lasts.

But just as you have the ‘other woman’ there’s also the ‘other man’ too, although he’s not as vilified as his female counterpart. Oh yes, the ‘other man’ is there too, lurking like a harbour shark, the object of many wives’ unfaithfulness.

With this changing and open world, their ages range from 15 to 70, for they are willing and able to fulfil the fantasies of the unfaithfully yours. And no husband is safe. Splashed across the British papers recently was the story that the Irish prime minister’s wife was being unfaithful to him with a 19-year-old lad. Now, I ask you, at what age do you relax with your wife and say to yourself, “Well, she’s past her prime now, she won’t be unfaithful to me at her age.” If even in her 60s she can still be unfaithfully yours, and with a young boy who can’t offer her anything material, then all men better wake up and wise up. But being unfaithfully yours has no age limit, and they may be old, but they’re not cold.

There are so many reasons why being unfaithfully yours is so prevalent, and I don’t know them all, but I try to listen to what the faithful and the unfaithful tell me. Neither will I judge. That first stone that I cast may very well come back and bust my head. But it’s just a reality that exists, a reality that many people choose not to address, and a reality that has made cynics of many young people.

When I do find faithful husbands I can’t swear for the wife, and when I do find faithful wives I can’t swear for the husbands. That’s the irony of being unfaithfully yours. Can you really say that your honey has never been unfaithful to you, or that you haven’t been unfaithful? Be honest. Maybe they should have an addendum to those wedding vows, and put in a clause about being unfaithfully yours.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Our neighbour Haiti has suffered for centuries from external, and internal forces and natural disasters. No one knows why that nation has been singled out for so much pain, as have other poor countries like Bangladesh, Philippines and parts of China. It’s like being poor attracts misery and disaster. So much has been said about Haiti’s plight and all the experts seem to know it all. Meanwhile, the people suffer. All I will say is that Haiti should be our conscience and we should let our conscience be our guide. As the old saying goes, “There but for the grace of God go I.” Let us stop moralising, stop justifying, stop feeling holier than thou and instead give thanks for our lives and reach out. Let Haiti not be just this month’s news.