Vegetarians are a selfish and self-righteous people. God save us from them! Or have I met the wrong lot? But, hold that for now and let’s enjoy Easter. This is my time of year primarily because the money men have not figured out how to commercialise the passion of Christ and send us on a guilt trip to buy tons of stuff. Easter eggs and bunnies are enough. The real threat is sport and entertainment where the gorgons lurk under the surface of spectator events – lethal as icebergs.

There is a tussle for the public loyalty between faith and the gorgons, and faith is not winning. The church must do more to protect holy days and the best protection is to occupy them, as commerce may take steps to make the death and resurrection of Christ “sexy” and then it’s too late! These days can be saved only if the churches take ownership and use them. Events inside the church building are not enough; we need public spectacle to mark out our ground! There is no vacuum in nature and only by street pageants and massive events in public spaces can the church stake a claim on those days. We need mass celebration or empathy events to engage our people’s ingenuity, energy and creativity; the churches can provide this. My Palm Sunday communion was like a fine Spanish Rioja – vintage blood! We started in front of the temple of Tesco – the supermarket giant, and my vicar brought Wimbledon city traffic to a standstill with his usual procession – the donkey, tambourines, singing, etc, and made a triumphant entry into the church 30 minutes later. The buses and taxis were polite (he blesses taxis in the town square once a year), kids tried to ride the donkey and the townspeople surrendered and joined in! Could towns in our Christian land copy this? The vicar claims the town for Christ one day a year. Good move! Don’t lock up your values, show them!

Christ arrived in Jerusalem to great fanfare, was crucified by Friday and rose from the dead on Sunday. A week is a long time in politics – it was all politics; they hail you on Sunday and bury you by Friday! God formed the world in seven days, man brought down his son’s world in six. Holy week holds the core imagery of our faith. Dates don’t matter as when the Bible was written no eyewitness was there – what does it matter? It is all uplifting stuff! As Roman emperors juggled calendars to fit their egos, we respect the message, not the dates. Easter week has highs, lows and miracles. Sunday was Jesus’ big entrance, at last the Messiah had come to liberate Jews from Rome. Jubilation! Monday, more hype; Shrove Tuesday (fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras) the last day of revelry; Ash Wednesday, stations of the cross; Maundy Thursday, vintage wine and cheese for a last supper and foot washing – a bit heavy for me; then Friday, blood and betrayal; pure grief and disappointment! Hero to Zero in six days! Friday is a workday in the UK so my vicar loops a one-hour service over the day so people can pop in anytime and feel the spirit. I got white lilies, hot cross buns, stuck my palm cross on the fridge and found my repose in this ritual. People need ritual!

We get a “Happy birthday!” hail and we feel good, and if a friend throws a party for us – another ritual – we feel better! Churches should get together, organise street parades as Filipino and Latin Christians do (they even nail men to crosses). The church must claim the days or lose them by default to the money spinners. Celebrate the triumphant entry; then after Shrove Tuesday, control the streets with solemn costumes, masques and dances of the Passion. Why can’t the Cross Roads, Mandeville or Half-Way-Tree ministers fraternal occupy public spaces and streets with pageants for Christ? Why imprison this triumphant event in a church building? Jesus brought his city to a standstill! In freezing weather my vicar and others paraded over the town to their several churches.

One day our churches will petition Parliament to end encroachment on holy days and fail, as they did not claim them. Use it or lose it! If Sunday and Easter continue with boring, low-key church rituals, then don’t blame sport and commerce for snatching them for public events. To sing, dance; costumery and props are all aids of ritual. The church should reinvent its rituals; invest in public spectacle to mark some feast days. Leave the multi-million dollar vanity buildings, the designer suits, dresses and take to the streets! The events of Easter are the most spectacular in the Christian calendar. Do we have designers, performing arts gurus and choreographers in our churches, to produce massed bands, choirs, sets, parades, film and video in every town? Rituals around birth, death, etc, are important and so is mass ritual around the faith. In Haiti, bulldozers interred thousands in mass graves–sadly with no ritual. A funeral is a most important ritual which allows the living to grieve, commiserate and heal! Churches may not agree on everything, but together they can showcase the shared message of Easter in the streets. This is not an option for the chureh, it’s self-preservation!

Vegans

Now for my rant on vegetarians. Why are vegetarians intolerant exhibitionists who think they are better than those who eat meat? Meat eaters never advertise themselves or impose their choices, vegetarians feel the need to flaunt their food choices and lecture us. Why? They are like exhibitionist gay people – in your face! Why do I have to know you are vegetarian? Why announce it? Just live it! They will tell us what they eat or don’t eat; they upset the caterer, the budget, other guests and the hosts. They are obnoxious! A meat eater never does this. He eats what he can from what his hosts have and is at ease. He does not ask, where are the steaks? Vegetarians or vegans always preach – all life was made to eat plants – how do they know? Did God have a private meeting? Can he explain why God made meat-eating plants? No! What about meat-eating animals? No! Pick the flippin’ peas and carrots out of the stew, eat them with the rice and be happy! It’s not your last supper! Some have a medical reason for food choices – a shellfish allergy – but most are just a lifestyle choice. Why does a vegetarian restaurant not serve meat dishes, but a meat restaurant serves all options? Why do they discriminate? Why restrict choice? Most vegetarians provide no meats at their functions yet are most objectionable and arrogant when specific vegetarian options are not on a meat eater’s event menu. Vegetarian choice is the latest one-upmanship! The human race grew on meat! God made the world for man’s use, so let’s eat everything! Have a conscious Easter!

Collister

Roy Collister has a gift of finance acumen. When last we chatted, he was frail, but sharp as a tack and full of ventures. His honours are well deserved! Much respect!

Dr Franklin Johnston is an international project manager with Teape-Johnston Consultants, currently on assignment in the UK.

franklinjohnston@hotmail.com