Affection is a coal

That must be cool’d;

Else, suffer’d,

It will set the heart on fire.

— Shakespeare, Venus and Adonis, Stanza 65

AS you can see, much emphasis is placed on affection by Venus and Adonis. Now, Venus was the goddess of love and Adonis was that perfect man that every woman uses as her standard for other men to emulate. Between them both, they should know a thing or two about love, affection and all the niceness that men and women desire.

But hold on a minute, there is no mention of sex, that ultimate goal that men strive for. Whenever women talk about their relationships it’s always about the man’s ways, his goodness, his generosity, how he treats her, but rarely about the sex.

Never will you hear a wife say about her husband, “He’s really great, he wants to have sex every night.” That’s because women don’t put a high premium on sex, but really give affection a five-star rating. In fact, I would go as far as to say that many women hate sex, but prefer affection. We’ll see why, right after these responses.

Hail Teerob,

You hit the nail right on the head, brother, when you wrote about the lingo of ladies, the hidden meanings and the doublespeak. I am versed in a few languages, English, Spanish and a little French, yet I cannot, for the life of me, manage to effectively communicate with women. They will say ‘no’ when they really mean, “Come inside and spend the night.” They will say ‘maybe,’ when they really mean, “Somewhere down the line I will consider it.” No time frame is given. Why can’t they just be forthright like how men are? What’s with all this coyness and pussyfooting around that only serves to confuse? All this does is cause men grief and uncertainty and only adds to the anxiety.

Patrick

Mr Robinson,

The root cause of most divorces, marital discord and relationship problems is a basic lack of communication. Either the man does not speak at all, or the woman says one thing but means another. I don’t know which is worse, for living with a man who does not speak, who fails to express himself, can be a living torture. And yet, living with a woman who speaks in parables and tongues can be most confusing too. It takes great effort by both parties to break down the barriers of communication. But from a woman’s point of view, I’d rather not say what I mean and leave an air of mystery. If the man really loves and cares, he’ll figure it out. One love.

Joanna

Well, the jury is out, deliberated, and reached a verdict or at least a conclusion, women really hate sex. At least, that’s the impression that’s given by so many women. I was caught up in a discussion about this subject, and right throughout, all the women expressed more of a leaning towards affection rather than the sex act itself.

There’s a song, Gyal Over Gun, which extols the virtues and benefits of women rather than the violence of the gun, hence the chant, the choice of choosing a gal rather than a gun. Well, women should also have a song that says, “Affection over Sex.” When asked about their ideal man, not one woman had sex as the number one priority, and in fact it was way down on their list… way down… below domestic chores around the house.

Throughout the ages, many women considered sex as a duty, something they did to please their man, to hold him, make him stay and not stray. Could that trait still persist among modern day women to this very day? “Just grit you teeth and endure it and bring pleasure to your husband.” In fact, it was also thought that a woman who appeared to enjoy sex too much was less than virtuous. Women have also held the notion that all that the men wanted to do was use them for their own selfish gratification, make them their plaything, their sex toy.

“All you want me for is one thing only,” is the common cry. This, too, may have built up a sexual resentment among many women, turning them off the act. Could this be why so many wives use sex as a weapon, a tool, a big stick over men’s heads and manipulate them with it? Is this why sex is the ultimate trump card of many wives? “Okay, so you can’t live without it eh? Well, I have it, you want it, and you nah get it.”

There is the notion that all a man wants is a trophy woman whom he can parade around with in the day, and have his way with at night. “There is no thought at what’s in my head, all I am to him is a sex object,” some ladies say. And truth be told, women are referred to as sexy, sensuous, sensual, great turn-on, terrible turn-offs, and are used to sell everything from toothpaste to cars. There is always some sexual connotation when it comes to women and frankly, many do not like it and it turns them off.

There may also be a biological, hormonal reason, and the doctor who was also involved in the discussion confirmed this. He said that because of man’s high level of the hormone testosterone, it makes him highly sexual, and in fact he would have sex every night if he could find the right woman or women to accommodate him.

Hey, that’s a strong case for polygamy, legal or otherwise, for men do need to have sex a lot, and if one woman can’t accommodate him, then he’ll have to satisfy himself with others. That’s why rulers of yesteryear had harems, filled with women for their sexual bidding. That’s why men of today have “Gyal inna bungle”; “Trailer load a gyal”, and are often termed “Gallis”.

You can curse all you want, I don’t make the rules, but this has existed for centuries. Think about it though, can you really envisage one woman with multiple husbands, all of them having sex with her seven nights a week? See, no way, and yet men will do that, or die trying.

So the rumour is true: men do want sex more than women. The irony is, if ever there is a woman who is highly sexed, she is instantly given names, like nymphomaniac, slut, man-grabber, harlot and others, all because she is the exception rather than the rule. There is no equivalent disparaging name for men, but they are glorified and called studs.

Still, many women won’t admit this fact, and give all types of excuses why they don’t want sex as much as men do. “Oh, I’m not in the mood”; “I’m too tired”; “I’m not really into you right now”; “That’s all that’s on your mind”; “Imagine, we just quarrelled and you want sex?”; “I’m too angry with you”; “I’m saving my body.”

There is always a reason why women, especially wives, don’t want to have sex, but few will readily admit that they really hate the act. The closest that they’ll come to saying it is, “I much prefer to cuddle.” Yes, that cuddling choice has led many men to the brink of frustration. There you are, a sexual man, all hot and bothered, hormones raging, libido gone through the roof, ready to rumble, erectile function… and she wants to cuddle?! No wonder women love teddy bears and stuffed toys so much… because they love to cuddle.

But some will make the ultimate sacrifice and have sex with the man, just to get a cuddle afterwards. Yes, this is a fact stated by people who were here long before me, “Women will feign sex, just to get affection, and men will feign affection, just to get sex.” What a game of irony, both parties faking one thing to get another.

“So it’s agreed, I will have sex with you if you promise me lots of hugs afterwards and next time you will cuddle me if I will have sex with you right after… right?”

Some women even said that they found the sex act invasive, with this foreign object invading their bodies, with this constant pounding and thrusting like a jackhammer. “Most times I wish to God that he’d just hurry up and finish so that I can get some sleep,” these women said. If you doubt me, just check and see if you ever hear any wife complain that she’s not getting enough sex from her husband.

The men will complain a lot about this, but never the women, who will more than often complain about not getting enough attention or affection. Many women will admit that they can live without the sex, but not without the affection. So if a man stops having sex with his woman, it’s not the sex that she’ll miss, it’s the affection, plus the thought that he no longer wants her is most disturbing to her. So the question arose, what about those mistresses who always have sex on demand with the married men, or those girlfriends who always say yes to their men? Simple, those women just use sex as a means to an end to hold the man. Let them become the wife and see how quickly that fades.

But men will always want sex. I heard about this case where this lady was sick, roasting with fever and weak like a mouse, yet she had to seek refuge at her sister’s house, hide from her husband who still wanted to satisfy his lust.

Some wives will simply stop having sex, while others will have ‘duty sex’ with their man. “Listen, I love him, he is a good man, and if I have to make the sacrifice and give him every now and then, so be it,” said one wife to me.

Why, oh why is it always the men who seek sex, and the women finding ways to refuse? Why do I never hear from my male friends, “I’m married 10 years now and my wife is insatiable, she won’t leave me alone, every night she wants it, she is a sexual animal.” If you have heard that, please let me know, but what I always hear is the constant complaint of husbands not getting enough from their wives and the wives giving a raft of reasons why they refuse.

So whereas the women will be sexual beings when they’re being wooed and romanced, as soon as they get married, their true colours emerge, and the sex dwindles to a trickle. But they will still hug you, snuggle on the couch and watch TV. That’s because they hate sex, but love affection. More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Research can be so much fun. I’m reading this book of amazing animal facts and collective nouns of animals. You know the old ones, a pride of lions, school of fish, gaggle of geese. Well, it’s a rabble of butterflies, a peep of chickens, a parcel of penguins, a pandemonium of parrots, an obstinacy of buffalo, a lamentation of swans, an implausibility of gnus, a grist of bees, a flamboyance of flamingoes, a flick of rabbits. There are so many, and from time to time I’ll share some more with you. The English language is so fascinating, and reading is still one of the world’s greatest pleasures. If only more of our children would discover this. So next time you see an exaltation of larks flying overhead, or a scourge of mosquitoes or even a smack of jellyfish, you won’t be surprised at the collective names given to them.