Welcome ever smiles,

And farewell goes out sighing.

Shakespeare, Troilus and Cressida III, 3

This is so true in most cases, first we’re happy to meet you, but sad to see you go, although sometimes a person’s farewell brings relief, if not joy and smiles, when they finally depart. But that’s the odd case and usually applies to relatives who overstay their welcome. In most cases of romance, it’s all smiles at the outset, but when it ends there’s usually far more than mere sighing, as this is often compounded with crying, wailing, playing the blame game, cursing, and all that’s emotionally stressful. What a huge difference between that first hello when you just met, to the final day when you parted ways. Still, there are ways to part and there are ways to part, and the song does say, “Let me down easy.” But there never really is an easy way to leave. After all, it’s goodbye, and no matter how bad the end is, there were some good times. So this week, we’ll find out why people leave and the various ways they do so, right after some feedback.

Mr.Teerob,

That Vagina Monologue article was most informative, and truth be told, I didn’t know that it was actually a stage production. When I first heard about it years ago, my knee-jerk reaction was that it was simply one of those sexist porn productions geared to satisfy lustful men. Little did I know that it was a serious body of work. Do you see what preconceived notions can do? I hear the word vagina, and I look away. It’s how I was brought up. So much for open-mindedness. Thank you for opening my eyes, not only to the off-Broadway production, but to the frank and open discourse on a very sensitive topic. I am old school, but I’m willing to attend new school also.

Joyce

Mr. Robinson,

I often look forward to reading your work, but I have to admit that I hesitated when I saw the title of this week’s piece. Being old-fashioned I prefer subtle descriptions, whilst this was a bit in your face. However, I was pleasantly surprised as you actually presented a fresh consideration towards this topic which hopefully will spark intelligent and good-natured debate. So I say, well done, and thanks for going where other male writers just won’t. By the way, when my friend’s daughter was too little to understand – but curious, her mother told her it was called ‘her important part’. Nuff said.

Janessa, Handsworth,UK

Teerob

It’s clear you have vagina on your mind, but join the line brother, you are not alone. For too long society has played hypocrite and acted as if the vagina does not exist. “Shh…you can’t call it by name…call it something else.” Are we living in the 21st century or not? Bravo to the vagina.

Poco, Paramus, New Jersey

Mr. Tony,

Your statement that: “Morocco’s penal code states that murder, injury and beating are excusable if they are committed by a husband on his wife (as well as the accomplice) if he catches them in adultery,” is somewhat wrong. Article 418 of Penal Code grants ‘extenuating circumstances’ which is, I hope you agree, not the same thing as ‘excusable,’ the latter suggesting the possibility of the culprit being released, which is not true. Furthermore, the Article is gender neutral, and can be implemented for men and women alike. Many here disagree with Article 418 and support its abolishment.

Xoussef, Marrakech, Morocco

The world is but a stage, it’s said, and we each have our entrances and our exits, yet many overstay their time. Others stay too briefly. But however long you stay, there is a time to leave, before you are asked to leave, or suffer the onslaught of a rain of bottles if you happen to be a dancehall artist who has overstayed his time. The same applies to even schools and jobs, where after a while, it’s simply time to go. At least with school there is a finite time, and you graduate after a few years…well, you’re supposed to. A job is slightly different, and some people become so entrenched in their jobs it’s as if they were employed there from the dawn of time and have no plans to leave…ever. “Hey Joe, when you plan to retire, you going to drop dead at your desk?” See, everything has a time frame…or does it?

Let’s take the complex world of relationships. Should they last forever, should they go on and on until the flames begin to flicker and then eventually die, leaving behind a smouldering coal…and then cold ashes? Are the words in the wedding vows realistic: “Til death do you part! Clearly they are not, based on the high level of separation and divorce and the even higher level of infidelity that exists. I’m not here to judge, but simply to examine the ways that people extricate themselves from relationships, and why. Teenagers seem to have a revolving door on relationships, and change them as easily and quickly as they change jeans. It’s almost expected, and many parents will advise their young ones not to settle down too early with the first person they meet, but see what other options exist. Sound advice, for what a boring world this would be if everyone mated for life with the first person that they met. But sound though the theory may be, the practice can be painful, as most folks don’t take too kindly to being left. It’s seen as rejection, and rejection by anyone or anything can be a painful experience.

There are so many reasons to leave, you drift apart, have nothing in common, boredom, don’t communicate anymore, attain higher education while your partner remains in the 6th Grade, irreconcilable differences, sexual incompatibility…or you meet someone else. It’s common, it’s natural, but it’s often not accepted graciously. The sad truth is, all of the above-named reasons are rarely in sync with both parties, as the timing is always off. You may be feeling one or some of the above, while your partner is still in love with you. How do you get out of that situation, how do you leave? I have heard of cases where men simply say that they’re going to the shop to buy cigarettes and never return. Hey, maybe he can’t find his brand. Some people just walk out, and abandonment is quite common among couples. “Where is your man?” “Me nuh know, one day him just get up and gone leff me and de pickney dem.” This can be devastating, and I have known of cases where the persons left behind had nervous breakdowns, or came close to having one. “There was no discussion, no argument, no quarrel, he just packed his bags and left,” this lady told me about her husband who took a flight of fancy, never to return. And don’t believe that women don’t do it also, for I know of quite a few instances where wives wait until their husbands were at work, called the moving truck, and split, leaving the man to come home to an empty house. Many didn’t see it coming, never had a clue. Some wives arrange to go overseas, to mask their real reason for leaving, so the official story is, “She’s gone on study leave for the next five years.” Or she may get a job abroad. That’s a pretty sophisticated and classy way to leave.

Everyone may not have that opportunity or the means to leave in that way, but there are other ways, such as frustrating the hell out of your partner. Some men constantly harass their women, curse them, berate them, belittle them, wear them down, telling them to leave and never return. Sadly, most women will endure this, but others will reach their saturation point and leave, even though it’s really he who wanted to go. That’s another neat trick that people use, making the other person go, even though it’s you who really wanted to leave. Some women might not actually leave, but rather withdraw emotionally, drifting so far from the man that she’s not even a speck on the horizon of his landscape. Just like a glacier, with the same imperceptible speed, she inches away until she is no more. Oh, officially they’re still a couple, but that’s only for the general public. That is worse than actually leaving. Some folks will leave little hints, like not returning phone calls, coming home late every night, having no eye contact, and of course there is no physical contact at all. “Lord Bagga, you nuh see that the woman gone leff yu, even though she still living in the house.” “Oh your body’s here with me, but your mind is on the other side of town,” are the words of a song.

And the most famous and effective way to leave, is to withhold sex, whether it’s by the man or the woman. That’s a definite exit visa. The sad truth is, many people leave for valid reasons, after all, nothing lasts forever. And let’s face it, how else would you meet new people if you never left the old one? But what is sad is when the person leaves in spirit, but their body is still in the bed beside you. My research indicates that it’s better to leave completely, make a clean, decisive break, and maybe you should do what the song advises, “I’d rather leave when I’m in love.” It may sound cold, but at least you may avoid the grief, crosses, pain, guilt and infidelity that pave the path to the inevitable breakup. But in the long run, I guess it’s not the leaving, but how the person leaves that strikes home. A nice, long letter may soften the blow, perhaps a note on the fridge door or even a meeting in a public place, an exit interview…but there is no pleasant way. The hardest blow, though, must be being left at the altar, and how to cope afterwards, but that’s for another time. More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: Our culture is important to us and should be treasured, but we should not simply accept everything that is spawned here and call it culture. I recently read an article by Michael Franklin, a Jamaican living abroad, who bemoaned what we call ‘kulcha’ here. He was saddened by the young girls and boys gyrating upon each other in the most sexual ways, cheered on by their parents, and calling it ‘kulcha.’ “As far as I’m concerned, this is child sexual abuse, and Jamaicans are tolerating it,” he writes, and I totally agree with him. We woke up to crime, now let’s wake up to other negative things too…and you all know what they are. Culture should be uplifting, not debased.

Hey, they should ban those weed whackers. Last week on the Ferry Road, one threw up a stone and cracked my windshield. It could have been worse. A friend of mine lost an eye while clearing a garden a few years ago..