Oh heaven, were man

But constant,

He were perfect!

— Shakespeare, The Two Gentlemen of Verona, V, 4

Heaven, constant, perfect, man … Mr Man. He’s the man who all women wish for, he’s the man who’s perfect in every way, he’s the man who can do no wrong, and even if he’s wrong, his deeds are justified, and he’s right in her eyes.

He’s Mr Man. It always amazes me how women keep on making their lists regarding the ideal man for them. Constantly I hear women asking for the right man to come into their lives, and how good men are scarce, and how all the good men are already taken, and all that’s left are worthless or gay men.

I even have female friends living overseas who yearn for a good man but can’t seem to find one, and complain that they just don’t know who is who, as the landscape is full of perverts and molesters or HIV positives. Well, this lady sent me a list regarding what type of man she desires, and I can’t wait to share it with you, right after some feedback to ‘Desperate Measures’.

Hey Tony,

After reading some way through your column, I thought, What role does age play in a relationship? Does it really matter how old the guy is who you date? Or is it just smarter to date within your own age range? The question is, does it really matter at all? Most times people who date out of their expected age range get looked at with some disgust…and they look back with the same casual air of… ‘You’ll never understand.’ The sad part I find with women getting desperate is that they will lower their standards and make choices that are harmful to themselves.

The cases of women making bad choices often do them more harm than good. Men make bad choices too, but women get looked down a lot for doing careless things. Most of these women need to wake up and realise that there is better out there for them, even though they may not feel that way at the time, and that it is better to be patient and make a wise decision than to blindly jump into something.

Althea

Teerob,

In the end, people do crazy things. Some will go out of their way to seize what they want, while others will prefer not to tread on the grounds where low standards fall. Everything all comes down to being knowledgeable and aware, and not allowing yourself to get carried away with thoughts of unrealistic desires and pleasures. If a woman gets desperate enough to pursue any man that crosses her path, then just consider it as idle adventure. Two can play the game, but it doesn’t seem so appealing when a woman plays that game.

Cara

Ah, women, what they want, who they want, when they want and where they want. Their demands are never-ending, and their quest for perfection in a man has no boundaries. I find it so interesting, if not strange, that men hardly ever have such an unrealistic wish list, but almost every woman that I encounter has her 10-page manifesto that outlines in detail what type of man she wants…and nothing else will do.

“If I don’t get the man who lives up to my standards, I would rather do without,” I have heard women say. This lady who sent me her list was no different, and she had no hesitation in mailing her thesis to me, detailing what qualities she desired in the man of her dreams. It begins: “The kinda guy I like, or rather the man I like, for it’s a ‘man’ that I want, no boy or guy, he has to be active and athletic.

He has to have a goal or goals he wants to achieve and actually be working towards achieving those goals. These goals should not be of anything illegal and must be realistic, and must be charted towards having a stable career or lifestyle in something of prestige or higher learning.” Now as my dear departed granny would say, “You see my trial, what a woman chest high.”

That first paragraph expressed what qualities a man should have before he even came knocking on her door. And what a high standard she has presented too, what a height for the opening jumper to get over, just to get next to her. Not even when applying for a high-powered, high-paying, highfaluting job is the entrance requirement so high, so lofty, so extreme.

And yet, this woman has fired as her opening salvo, a barrage of ideals that a man should have before he can even enter her portals. Not only must he be athletic, but he must also be ambitious, have legal goals, a stable career or lifestyle in something of prestige or higher learning, I guess someone with the athletic prowess of Usain Bolt or Asafa Powell and the intellect of the vice chancellor of the university would suit her.

She continues: “He gotta have a sense of humour, should be attractive, but of course…he can’t ‘only’ be attractive, but he should also have a creative mind, should be spontaneous, charming and romantic in the non-conventional way. I’m fine with a day on the beach and some food, lots of chatting and seeing the sun go down.”

Oh my, truth is indeed stranger than fiction, and what this lady wrote could easily have graced the pages of those romance novels. But this was no novel, she was writing from the heart, and honestly wants that man of her dreams. As you can see, her second paragraph was even more laden with the building blocks of perfection, as she created her perfect man, Mr Man, block by block, bolt by bolt, but no mention of screws. Even the bionic man could never compete with the man that this lady wished for herself.

And don’t think that she’s alone either, for I showed the list to other women, and they saw nothing wrong with it, saying, “Nothing is wrong with a woman wanting fine qualities in a man. I don’t want any guy or boy, I want a man who can take care of me and satisfy all my needs…and I mean all.”

Not once did I hear any of these women say anything about bringing their great qualities to the table. Not once did I hear them express what they thought a man should look for in a woman. Clearly, the thought process was that they were the prize, and the man must be all things, to be able to live up to their ideals, and therefore be worthy of them. I showed the list to men too, and they all responded in the same way, saying, “Women always set these impossible ideals for men, so when they end up alone, they can say, “See, I never met a man who could live up to my standards, so I’d rather do without.” As far as men see it, it’s a cop- out, an excuse that women without men use to justify their manless state. Women with men never write these lists.

Still, she continues: “He should know how to dress, know how to treat women, should be hygienic, take care of himself, and should be well-mannered and good enough to introduce to my parents. He should be straightforward, considerate, open-minded, well rounded and self-sufficient.”

Hold on now, read that last part again…don’t you see the irony? That man she describes is the perfect description of a successful gay man, and a gay man certainly wouldn’t want her. Ah, the Lord does have a sense of humour, and I hope the gays reading this do too, and don’t come cursing me.

To add to all this she states: “He must be financially stable, that way I don’t have to try to afford him, or worry about if we’ll be able to go here or there because he doesn’t have enough money. And hey, a good woman wants to be taken care of sometimes, so he’s gonna need some money for that.” Women talk about equality, but I’m sure that if any man made such a list of what he wants in a woman, the arrows with the name ‘chauvinist’ emblazoned across their shafts would come hurtling his way.

When I thought that she had finished, I turned the page and saw more. Incredible. “He should be articulate in speech and in expressing himself, he should know himself and should be able to let me get to know him and who he is. He should be encouraging, supportive and communicative. It doesn’t matter if he’s from uptown or downtown, Kingston or country, he should also have good morals and values, and have good friends and good people around him.”

Truth is indeed stranger than fiction, and what that lady wrote was merely reflective of what many other women think. History has proven that women want Mr Ideal, Mr Perfect, Mr Man, even though they bring very little to the table, except looks and sexuality. But hey, looks and sexuality, that’s all that a man really wants in a woman anyway, and no wonder our list is so short. But men do have a list, and that’s about women whom they should avoid. Look out for it.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: I wonder if people really appreciate and understand the tragedies of the New Orleans floods, the Haitian earthquake or the floods in Pakistan? What makes New Orleans so heartbreaking is that the disaster happened five years ago, yet even now, many people are still suffering. I just saw this documentary by Spike Lee titled, If God willing and da creek don’t rise, that showed the numerous problems that still exist in New Orleans, five years after Hurricane Katrina struck. It brings tears to your eyes to see the tragedy. What I learnt also was that people like actors Brad Pitt and Sean Penn are busy on the ground, instrumental in the rebuilding of many parts of the city. Sean Penn is in Haiti too. I have a new respect for these gentlemen. Haiti is still suffering and the flood in Pakistan is of biblical proportions, with over a fifth of the country under water. We must give thanks every day and pray that we continue to be spared such disasters.