Decades ago an artiste called Grinds Man, a Portmore resident, did a dancehall mega hit comparing a woman’s ‘essence’ to a Benz. Infamous lyrics such as “30…40 man a rev yuh baddy…that simple means that deh gal a taxi”; “All Austin Cambridge gwaan go cool out” and “Lada a commoner inna di country, only a few man drive Benz can afford the money” sent both men and women into a tail spin on the dance floor and had the selectors hauling and pulling up the song until the vinyl scratched into the wee hours of the morning at venues such as House of Leo and Tropics.

At that time Ladas (yesteryear’s robot taxi, akin to today’s Toyota Corollas) were cheap and flooded our streets. To be compared to one must have devastated quite a few ladies self esteem. To be a Benz however was every girl’s dream. I sincerely doubt that the German engineering company, Mercedes Benz, would have endorsed or even want to be associated with such vulgarity, but it certainly struck a chord with dancehall lovers locally and internationally. Due to the valiant efforts of the Broadcasting Corporation to save us from our own musically insanity, this song cannot be played on our airwaves anymore. Fast forward to present time and Addi The Bleacher, I mean teacher, has managed to get a revamped version of that golden oldie going full speed ahead in the clubs for a second time and with as much intensity. Again we see women walking around and bragging that they possess such a Benz, be it true or false.

Lies and misrepresentation, maybe, but I can’t blame the women since every man seems to want a woman who possesses a Benz. I thought long and hard about this because in my naivety a Mercedes Benz was a very HUGE car that seated up to five passengers; burnt a lot of gas; was expensive to maintain and was not the most attractive vehicle on the road. Then I revisited the analogy from the perspective of the body part to which the machine was being compared and now see that it is indeed a coveted title that women should wear with pride. A Benz is not driven around to every event and not just by any driver i.e. you rarely see people tossing the keys to their Benz and offering another to ‘take it for a spin’; it is plush, comfortable and luxurious and hugs the road with grace and poise. I do believe I have such a machine. I have no beef with ladies saying they own a Benz, my concern is that if we claim to own such a treasure, why would we allow a taxi driver to jump in and zoom, zoom away in it around the Back Road? The majority of the men clamouring that their women should own a Benz, are themselves some old beat up, haggard, abused, leaky oil, busted muffler robot taxi Toyota Corollas that have ridden every route and certainly seen better days. Yet the male owners, whilst insisting on prestige from their female counterparts, beat their bonnets with pride that their taxis have been road tested, over and over again. Why should we settle ladies?

*light bulb* I am personally going to insist that from this day on, my future male partner must also own a Benz. Definition of a male Benz is: A sleek, hardly driven machine with plastic still on the seats that can guarantee me a smooth ride no matter how bumpy the road. I will no longer lower my Benz standards to accommodate and old beat up taxi to park beside it and depreciate its value. Enlightenment is so liberating, but then again, one can argue, so is flatulence. I have run out of gas, so until next week, take care and be good to each other. Remember: Ladies if you claim to have a Benz treat it like one. Men if all you want to drive is a Benz, bathe regular, have lots of cash and be prepared to act like a Benz owner.

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