All delights are vain;

But that most vain, which, with pain purchased,

Doth inherit pain.

— Shakespeare, Love’s Labour’s Lost, 1,1

Ah, the things that we delight in, but alas, many delights do cause us pain, especially when purchased with pain, as the man said up top. But there’s so much pleasure in pain, so bring it on, you may say.

One such delight is that which many men have secretly and not so secretly harboured, or they do in fact indulge in, the delight of having two women in bed at the same time. Oh what pleasures, joy, ecstasy, passion, and of course, delight a man must feel to be in the same bed with two beautiful women at once.

As the ads say, “Can you handle it?” And do not tell me that I’m being lewd and lascivious either, and that men don’t harbour those thoughts, for it’s documented to be the number one fantasy of all heterosexual men. And those sheepish married guys who deny it are simply not telling the truth, as they’re afraid of their wives like puss ‘fraid a water.

So popular is this notion that the French have a term for it, ménage à trois, which literally translates as ‘household of three’, or in effect a threesome. It usually means two women and one man having a rollicking romp. But what happens when the femmes fatales flip the script and demand that they too want a ménage à trois, but on their terms, that is, two men and one woman?

We’ll look into that, right after these responses to Romantic Fools. It’s amazing the number of letters I got in response to that article, showing that romance is not really dead. I wish I could print them all, but sadly I can’t.

Tony,

I am so happy that there is at least one other man who indulges in this ‘nonsense.’ In fact it comes so naturally that I wonder if it is commonsense or romantic sense. Well, it was good confirmation when I read your bit on romantic fools as I just came off the road having turned back to purchase a pink rose for the queen of the castle. I was a bit disappointed that the chaps were not there selling as usual, but she appreciated the thought. Sometimes we miss out on the actual material things; however, it is critical that we do not let up showing that we care. That, to me, is the essence of romance.

Clive Savage

Teerob,

At age 20 I thought all the romantic fools were long dead, but fortunately I got the last one, and no, he is not a man from three centuries ago, he is 25. He writes me endless love letters and poems, and treats me with respect. At first I thought he was too good to be true, but soon after I realised he treats all women with the respect they deserve. He doesn’t dress like your typical young man with his pants below his knees and a chain around his neck like the one my grandpa used to chain his cows with. I think the young women of today can’t appreciate a good guy; besides, many of them think that good guys finish last. But you and I know, Karma is a bitch, and the romantic fool of a guy whom they fail to appreciate now will be the man they want in the future to be the father of their children and to grow old with.

Sherika Malcolm

I’ll carry some more responses to Romantic Fools next week, but now it’s on to ménage à wha? Or, “You must be out of your flipping mind to be thinking those absurd thoughts.”

I’m sure you may have seen letters to the advice columns where people discuss how they are having threesomes, or plan to indulge in threesomes and want to know if it’s a good idea or not. Usually the advice is not to do it, as there are so many inherent dangers involved, such as jealousy, or one person may get too attached to another, or even one leaving their partner and going off with the third party.

What is rarely explored, though, is the idea of a ménage à trois that deals with one woman and two men. I’ll always remember the late Ed ‘Bim’ Lewis and his famous hit song, a line of which goes: “I would like you and my sweetheart to be friends, for that’s the only way this jealousy will end.” When his wife countered by saying the same thing, his response was less than charitable as he said: “Don’t you dare to use those words to me again.”

And even when his wife confessed: “I was only making fun,” his answer was: “That is one joke I don’t run.”

So what’s good for the goose is not good for the gander, especially if the goose wants two ganders to ruffle her feathers. So here’s the scenario; a wife comes home and says, “Honey, I want to bring in a man to spice up our relationship…how about your best friend Teerob for a ménage à trois?”

“Say what… ménage à wha? Yu head muss be lick.”

See what happens when the tables or beds are turned?

Well, that scenario may play out in some countries, but it’s difficult to imagine it occurring here in Jamaica where the male sexual ego is so powerful. On a personal note, I could not indulge in such nonsense, as it goes against the very laws of nature. Where have you ever seen two bulls in a pen with one cow, or two lions with one lioness? Invariably one male would kill the other, which also shows what females can get males to do, but that’s another story.

It’s natural to want to be with two women, and history has shown this. Show me a harem with one queen and multiple consorts and I’ll rethink my position. Well, okay, there may have been a few forced cases where slaves were the suppliers of pleasure to some powerful women; Annie Palmer, the White Witch of Rose Hall, springs to mind, but I’m talking about the natural order of things.

First of all, if the woman suggested that the man’s best friend or even his co-worker be a party to this madness, he would immediately think that something had been going on before. “Oh, so is long time you want Teerob, and now you just making excuse to bring him into our bedroom.” He would even perhaps assume that something was going on before, and all she wanted to do now was to legitimise the sordid affair. The male ego is akin to a woman’s PMS, it leads to irrational thought, lack of logic, and borderline insanity.

Then there would be the feeling of inadequacy on the man’s part, especially when dealing with man parts. You know how hung up (pardon me) men are about their size. So much so that no other man must lay his eyes on his manhood. So can you just imagine his shock, horror and dismay, plus the embarrassment and shame to know that he doesn’t measure up and the other man is better equipped to handle the work? It takes a big man to say he’s sorry, but a bigger man has nothing to be sorry about, if you catch my drift.

And when he says, “When I saw what that man brought to the game, I felt so small…and I really mean small.” No man is going to allow another man to play ball with his wife and use a bigger bat than his. Okay, so maybe he can get past that if they both happen to measure up; after all, most men are created equal, don’t let the porno movies fool you. What about technique?

Here’s where ego comes into play again. How would he feel about the other man watching his technique, and then easing him aside to show him how it’s really done? It’s like you’re playing Chopsticks with two fingers on the piano, then along comes a world renowned concert pianist who not only tickles the ivories, but makes them walk and talk and sing and dance.

“I thought I was doing okay, until the other man put in a virtuoso performance and reduced me to shame.”

Again, on a personal note, the very thought of another coarse, crusty, muscular, hairy man beside me in a bed with a woman is enough to put me off sex for a decade. What if we touched? Ugh!!! And that’s why none of that reverse ménage à trois is for me. But that’s just me.

But there’s more, for long-term repercussions to this nonsense are also inevitable, and the male ego will once again be battered and bruised. What if the woman decides that the other guy is more worthy of her attention and not only starts to lean towards him more, but gently eases off her husband?

“But see my trial, the man get me out, she nuh want me no more, she redundant me.”

No trade union can help you in that job loss, you’ll just have to seek employment elsewhere. Therefore trust flies out the window and feelings of inadequacy fly in, plus there’s also the factor of performance afterwards, for after witnessing the masterful display of the other guy, how could he now hope to please his wife again? As the saying goes, “It’s a hard act to follow.”

And in the poor man’s case, he certainly won’t be a hard act after seeing that man perform, and we know what the women say, “A hard man is good to find.” Combine this with the fact that the friendship will now be strained, shot to pieces, shattered, blown to bits. How can he now maintain a proper friendship with the other man involved in the ménage à trois, when that man is bigger, better, stronger, more masterful, full of dexterity and more passionate than him?

Boiling, searing white-hot hate would enter into that realm and the aftermath of the ménage à trois would be terrible. And yet, women have had to deal with all the attendant issues that go with being a threesome to fulfil men’s fantasies. So gentlemen, when your wives suggest to you that you indulge in this madness of a reverse ménage à trois, you have all the right to ask, “ménage à wha …?”

I must thank Millicent Scarlett for not only suggesting that I explore this theme, but for also doing the extensive research. Most of my most intriguing pieces come from women.

More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: It’s often the little things in life that have the most impact. My good friend and colleague Carmen Clarke has been sending out daily inspirational quotes for years now to many of her friends and acquaintances. I often pass them on to my e-mail friends, and the responses have been astounding, with many people expressing profound gratitude for the few words that touched their lives. One example, “The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us.” Then there’s this gem from Nelson Mandela, “The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Carmen has touched many lives in a positive way with her daily quotes. Hey, one of the best kept secrets around town is Jonkanoo Lounge at the Hilton on Friday nights. People like Diana King, Nambo from the Skatalites, Toots and the Maytals have performed. Really surprised me when I bucked up on the amazing musical fare offered.