A gentleman, nurse,

That loves to hear himself talk,

And will speak more in a minute

Than he will stand to in a month.

Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet 11, 4

Oh my, a man that chats too much, a man who does not know when to keep his mouth closed, a man who loves to hear his own voice and who simply will not shut up. There are such men, and their loose lips often lead to them being put in the doghouse time and time again. Loose lips sink ships was the warning given in World War Two, as sensitive military information could be inadvertently passed on to prying ears. You never knew who was listening in bars or bedrooms. Ships were being torpedoed, left right and centre, and the irresponsible, innocuous words spoken about locations and names of naval vessels could fall on the wrong ears of spies, collaborators, enemy sympathisers who could pass on this valuable information, resulting in the ship being sunk on the high seas.

So loose lips do sink ships, and as we say in Jamaica, bush have ears and wall have eyes. Sometimes it’s best to just keep your damn trap shut. The irony is, men often accuse women of being gossip mongers who love to prattle, enjoy the exchange of stories from each other, and really relish the banter between themselves. But guess what, men love to chat too, and when they do, it often comes back and bites them right in the you-know-where. They say that we must make our words soft and sweet, for someday we may have to eat them.

Loose lips, that’s my prattle today, right after some feedback to women-friendly men.

Hey Tony,

As you stated, there are those types of men around, and the women who are married to them, or in relationships with them must be the luckiest women on Earth. The fact is, those types of men are not easy to find. I have never come across any of those men, or any woman who is, or was in a relationship with any of these men. I certainly can’t claim to be one, but I would like to think that I am pretty close. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Errol

Mr Robinson,

I do not know what fantasy land you live in to believe that there are women-friendly men. They may only put on that façade in order to impress the woman when things are new, but just you let the years roll by and you will see their true colours. After a while he turns into just another selfish, thoughtless slob who cares only about his needs. Opening the car door, holding out the chair, buying the flowers and remembering birthdays, taking her out to dinner, all vanish after a while. Sure, there may be women-friendly men, but they change from the butterfly right back to the ugly caterpillar very quickly. I saw it in my father and in my husband. Get real.

Angela

Too much information is not always a good thing, especially in relationships. It’s great if you’re doing research, but when you’re dealing with your spouse, you had better edit what you say or you’ll pay the price. This goes for both men and women, but women have mastered this ploy for centuries. No woman will ever divulge how many past lovers she really had, for fear of scaring away her man. “Honey, just for your information, I had over 35 different men before you came along, starting in high school.” In fact, women will do the opposite and reduce the number of men who they slept with. That’s because women are smart. Some will even lie about their virginity, if they suspect that their future husband would prefer them to be if she was a virgins, untouched by any other man. Some would even go to extreme lengths such as spilling a few drops of chicken blood on the sheets and crying in pain on the night of the honeymoon. I have even read of cases where doctors perform surgery in an attempt to replace a type of hymen to dupe the husband into thinking that his wife was a virgin when he married her. Women are smart and know exactly what to tell a man.

But men, ah men, they certainly love to chat, and what they chat often lands them in hot water, for they forget that women have long memories. They forget nothing. Well, cock mout kill cock, and lo and behold, it almost caught me too. Oh yes. For years I have advised and told my friends, male and female, not to divulge too much information to their spouses, but instead, leave some things unsaid. Let a little mystery remain, allow your past to be covered with a dark veil, or at least a wispy curtain. Well, in spite of my many years of doling out this sage advice, I got caught in my own web, hoist on my own petard, choked on my own nugget of news, failed to heed my own teaching and revealed too much of my past…to my present.

The wife and I were discussing relationships when I casually mentioned that many, many, many years ago, an ex of mine said that I was the worst man to ever enter her life, cross her path, touch her being. “Why would she say such a thing? You’re a nice guy,” said my better half. So I explained that I had sort of dropped her for someone else and that it had caused her great pain. Oops, even as the words came out, I thought of the arrow shot from the bow that can never be brought back. The torpedo had left the tubes and the ship was to be sunk. My loose lips were those torpedoes. Now women are funny creatures, and no matter what, they stick together. “How could you… how could you just drop the girl like that and move on to another with no regard for her feelings?” I tried to explain that it was a very long time ago, I was in my twenties and sowing my wild oats. I even mentioned that it was a common occurrence among men of that age…and beyond. But time will not absolve you and there is no statute of limitations on affairs of the heart, and my behaviour was deemed less than gentlemanly. That was the first loose-lips torpedo.

It’s bad enough when loose lips come in the form of the present spoken word, but when they are recorded for posterity, they can be even more damaging, for they are now permanently etched in the annals of history. To wit, statements said and videotaped or filmed can haunt you. Because of this column, many radio and TV shows have had me as their guest to share my opinion about relationships.

The Susan Show was among these, and a few years ago I was a guest, giving my opinion on this whole man/woman scenario. I told it like it was and held nothing back. Well lo and behold, that episode was repeated recently, and guess who happened to see it while channel surfing? That’s right, my lovely wife caught the interview and paid rapt attention to every word that I said about men, women and how things are. Now bear in mind that all that was before I got married, so my views could be construed as being perhaps a tad leaning to the male perspective. She thought that it was a current programme and not a repeat, so I tried to explain that those views were before I met her, and furthermore I was merely reflecting what other men thought, not necessarily what I thought. Remember, I only reflect society and not create the ills. I am merely the harbinger of tidings. I learnt to tap-dance very well. Luckily for me she’s a good sport and we had a hearty laugh over the whole thing. But not all women are like that and many take umbrage whenever their man tells them anything about their past lifestyle.

My friends, at least the smart ones, do not divulge too much of their sordid past, as they are aware that loose lips do sink ships. So they know what to say and when to say it. But some women insist on wanting to know everything about their men’s past, and as one recently told me, “I want to know who all his girlfriends were, so that if we meet, I will have the upper hand. Not only must she know about me, but I must know about her too.” So they often resort to feminine trickery and tell the man, “Oh, you can tell me anything, Honey, it’s been a long time ago, it’s no big thing, plus a wife should know all about her husband. So come on, hug me and tell me everything…I won’t mind.” Ha, gentlemen, do not fall for it, for your loose lips will land you in trouble. It’s a ruse, it’s a ploy, it’s a trick to trap you and send you to the doghouse. Okay, if you had an established relationship with the lady in your past then you cannot keep that secret, for someday that is bound to come out. But if you had a fleeting, fluttering fling that didn’t mean anything to you, then there is no need to let her know. Keep those lips sealed, or your ship won’t come in for many nights.

The irony is, even though women would like to wrest, wring, wrangle, winch, wind every bit of information out of a man from the minute he had his first erection at age ten, she is keeping her history under a cloak of secrecy. Nobody keeps a secret better than a woman, and nobody loves to blab about his past more than a man. Just listen to those braggarts as they boast of their so-called conquests, and what they didn’t do, they make up. “Say what, man fi have nuff gyall in a bungle, and I had more than enough.” Then he makes the mistake of telling this to his woman and his ship is sunk.

For any relationship to succeed, there should be good communication, honesty and banter. But like they say, ‘Is not everything good fi eat good fi talk,’ and at times we must just come to drink milk and not to count cow. Sometimes it’s just best to keep your mouth shut, for loose lips will deprive you of tasting her sweet lips, and you’ll be sunk. This goes for men and for women too. More time.

seido1@hotmail.com

Footnote: It’s a brilliant idea to bring back the teaching of civics in schools. Back in my day we knew all about our national heroes and what they did. We knew the pledge, our creed, the meaning of our motto, what our flag meant, and our national symbols. Ask the average child nowadays what those mean and see the blank stare. Sadly our children, and some adults too, have no clue about heritage and that’s why there is so much ignorance and apathy regarding national pride. They simply do not know. They do not know that our flag must never touch the ground, or that we must always face the flag when the anthem is being played.

They do not know how parliament works, or how government is structured. They only show national pride when our athletes perform well, then it’s ray ray ray! Even some of our athletes didn’t know how to conduct themselves on the medal podium during the anthem at a recent world meet. They simply did not know. Hopefully with the teaching of civics once again in schools, some of this knowledge will be restored.