There are women who live in a perpetual state of denial. They tell themselves and others around them untruths about who they are by adopting a false set of beliefs that support whom they want to be seen as. They will pattern themselves off their favourite celebrities or television personalities who, for them, physically embody what so-called successful women look like, what they drive and where they live. Which means, oftentimes, these women are in deep denial about their finances.

There’s nothing wrong with taking inspiration from others. That’s why Pinterest exists. But when you find yourself buying a home you know there’s no way you can afford, or buying a high-end car you’ll be unable to insure, or taking vacations that max out your credit cards, or enrolling your children in expensive schools for which you have to procure loans in order to pay the tuition, simply to feel accepted by whatever peer group you’re trying to impress, that’s the time to come to grips with the fact that you may be living a fantasy, an image you’ve created that you want everyone to think is the truth. And it’s time to end the cycle of quiet misery that has swallowed you because of the debt you’ve dug yourself into.

Perhaps your financial fantasy isn’t as extreme. You’re not necessarily what anyone would describe as “high maintenance”. You live in a nice home in a modest neighbourhood and drive a regular car. Let’s say you’re single and have been managing your finances well enough. You have an okay job and were poised for a promotion, or at least a pay raise, which would have helped you navigate the creeping inflation. Then the pandemic hit. You didn’t lose your job, but the trade-off was that for almost a year you lost, say, 30 per cent of your monthly salary. Next thing you knew, you woke up one day and you were in credit card debt up to your eyeballs because, rather than cutting back when your income decreased you kept right on spending, whilst making the barest of minimum payments on your cards.

If you’re a woman who’s been living a financial fantasy for a while, to the outside world you’re crushing your life. But if your inner life is an existential horror show that sees you on anti-anxiety medication, especially now with the gift-giving season approaching, the big question is: How do you break free from denial? Here are five tips to get real with your finances.

1 End frivolous spending immediately. It’s counter-intuitive to continue stalking the sites where you’ve been shopping for “retail therapy”. Admit that you’ve been spending your way to oblivion and your debt has gotten out of hand. Then put away the credit cards. The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

2 Honestly assess your figures. How much do you owe? If you’re drowning in more than just credit card debt, take a hard look at what, exactly, it is that you’re dealing with. It could be less than you previously believed or it could be way more. What is your cash flow like? How much of your income goes into unnecessary spending? What’s your net worth? Is there an asset, a family heirloom, a painting, you could offload to get back on an even keel?

3 You need to make a plan for how, and in what time frame, you’re going to repay the debt. You might have to devote more of your income to paying down the debt. Or if this will take too long, create an alternative income stream dedicated strictly for this purpose.

4 If your debt is overwhelming and such that you feel you can’t handle it by yourself, do consult a qualified financial planner with whom you will be open and very honest. This person will help you to create attainable goals to begin living in financial reality as against the financial fantasy you’ve created over time. It will take patience, but the end result is peace of mind and a firm footing back on the path of financial well-being. Remember, living in denial about the state of your finances is like living in a glass house in an earthquake zone: At some point, it will surely shatter around you.

5 Be committed to not returning to your past destructive money habits once success comes into view. Do whatever it takes to keep out of debilitating debt; don’t spend more money than you earn. If you find it a hard road to go alone, enlist a friend you trust to help keep you focused. Engage other stakeholders, like members of your family, so that you can work together to achieve your financial goals.