Dear Counsellor,

In July my husband and I went to a hotel for our anniversary. I was dealing with some other personal family stuff at the time and didn’t really want to go, but he insisted that we needed the break. Everything was OK, but while there I wasn’t feeling like being intimate at all, and he got annoyed and said that’s what people go to hotels to do, and said I was taking him for a fool. All that, just because I didn’t want to have sex. Then he went to the bar and didn’t return to the room for hours. We haven’t slept together since then and he has been ignoring me, like he expects me to feel bad. But I don’t. I sleep in my daughter’s room and we only communicate about the kids. This happens all the time and I’m tired of it and I felt like that was the last straw. It’s like he gets upset at something then stops talking to me, and then we go weeks without interaction and then we make up. I think he was very unsupportive of the fact that, mentally, I just wasn’t in any kind of space to be intimate. I can’t continue a relationship where I feel insecure and gaslighted all the time or like I’m some common woman who should be available to lie on my back whenever he wants it. I just want a normal relationship with communication.

Thanks for joining The Counsellor’s Couch. The thing is, both of your positions are understandable with regard to the hotel outing in July. Let me explain. Men and women are very different. While a woman thinks about many important issues at one time, a man thinks about one important issue at a time. So while you’re at the hotel you may have had those personal matters weighing heavily on your mind. You’d likely struggle to get into a romantic mood. For you, talking about those issues and venting may have been what would suit you best. That could have been therapeutic for you, talking through issues, fears, and concerns. Talking, for most women, is like the vent pipe on a pressure cooker — if it isn’t functioning/happening the pot can explode. Women need to vent to cope with stress.

On the other hand, men do not quite cope with stress by talking. In fact, that can add to a man’s stress. Men need activity to relieve stress. So, for your husband, the sexual activity would be quite therapeutic. It is how you two handle stress differently, and your needs differ. Understanding that will help you realise that you’re both not terrible people who are being unreasonable. You both simply need to find a compromise for mutual stress relief and bliss. Stop the hemorrhaging of what could still be a very wonderful relationship. Many great relationships have been destroyed simply because of misunderstanding each other’s communication methods, coping mechanisms, and needs. However, many relationships have also been salvaged because the couple gained the requisite knowledge and understanding.

My advice:

See a counsellor soon. Don’t throw in the towel just yet. An able counsellor will help expose what you’ve both been trying to communicate to each other. And know that silence, as you mentioned, is also communication. You do deserve the best, and, yes, you’re worthy of good support and proper appreciation. But so is he. You both deserve a thrilling romantic relationship. But it requires mutual understanding, gained only through proper communication. A good counsellor will help you get there.

Watch the video. Invest the time and watch Mark Gungor’s video on YouTube called A Tale of Two Brains. It’s a decent tool that can help you both see yourselves clearly. Forgive some of the theatrics.

Reach out to our office for further help if needed. I pray that you certainly find your way to happily ever after.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.