My son and I share a beautiful relationship in which he has never felt constrained to be very open about his feelings, ambitions, concerns, and dilemmas. But, quite frankly, there were many moments in which I thought he overshared, and I’d have to say, “Alex, too much information,” immediately covering my face with my hand.

Honestly, I am grateful for our good conversations over the years.

He is now an adult and will graduate next month from university. The time went by way too fast.

Recently, over early morning coffee together, he turned to me and asked: “Mom, what’s your love language?”

“Alex, what do you mean?”

“Like, how you like to receive and express love from your partner.”

“I must admit I have never really thought about it.” And that was the truth.

For me, love was love, and growing up, you knew what it was when you felt utterly attracted to someone, and there was unconditional reciprocity. So receiving a personalised cassette mixed tape with songs from Baby Face, James Ingram, and Debarg was gold. I explained to Alex that back, in those days, we relished in the lyrics of good love songs like George Benson’s I Just Wanna Hang Around You.

“I get so hypnotized

When I look in your eyes

Oh, you control, control me

I feel all butterflies

When I’m right here by your side

Whoa, I need your touch

Can’t get enough, love me…”

But, then, I am on my second marriage, so I must have got it wrong somewhere along the way.

The question was: Am I getting it right now? I guess my husband must answer that.

However, as an unapologetic romantic, I know that if back then a young man had sent me Little Miss by Skeng, I would have walked in the opposite direction.

“And mi seh hey likkle miss look how yuh nipple dem stiff, gunman mek yuh miss yuh appointment b…h, You suck %$%#, yeah, me love bad bitch, twerk fi di wul gang, inna yuh throat me a spit…”

“Mom, why and how do you know those lyrics?”

“Alex, I know everything!”

We both laughed.

Based on our conversation that morning, love is action and takes hard work; I was intrigued as we delved into the data.

Evidently, there are five love languages — concepts developed by long-term marriage counsellor Dr Gary Chapman: (1) words of affirmation, (2) acts of service, (3) receiving gifts, (4) quality time, and (5) physical touch. Namely, whether you or your partner express love through presents, thoughtful gestures, such as cooking a meal or cleaning the house, or if you appreciate giving and receiving love through kind words, including compliments, praise, and other verbal expressions of support or admiration. Or whether you feel most loved while spending meaningful, focused time with your partner over dancing, a movie, or learning something new together dancing. And, lastly, whether we prefer to bond through physical contact like hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and having sex.

Which one of them are you? Or is it all of the above?

Have any of us actively stopped to consider any of these things on our daily hustle as we balance love, work, home, and me/personal life? Or, are we just all going with the flow?

Last year, the Statistical Institute of Jamaica (STATIN) highlighted a downward trend in marriages, while divorces increased, noting 20,484 divorces from 2015 to 2021. Moreover, the total number of divorce petitions filed in the 2021 Easter term at the Kingston and Western Supreme Court regional registries demonstrated an increase of nearly 51 per cent compared to the Easter term of 2020 (Jamaica Observer, April 24, 2022).

Divorce lawyers in Jamaica have given several reasons the number of divorces is increasing. One is that more time is spent at home, which increases the likelihood of couples getting into misunderstandings and conflicts. For example, a simple conflict may arise from assigning who does the laundry.

Additionally, the pandemic forced couples to express their deep-seated grievances, annoyances, and misunderstandings with their partner, pushing some to “breaking point” because too much unfamiliar time was spent with their other half.

The lawyers agreed that “the pandemic brought about a lot of conflict between couples, and sometimes, the conflicts were only solved when both parties divorced (www.divorcelawyersjamaica.com).

“Most times when you ask them what the reason is, most of the issues can be reconciled, but parties don’t believe in counselling. This is something that I realise in Jamaica.” (Attorney Michelle Thomas April 2022)

Welcome the “situationship”

Ever wonder what our children have romantically been up to? Research has shown that Gen Z’s attitudes towards dating and sex have evolved from the Boomers. They have a very pragmatic time-sensitive approach towards love, self-discovery, intimacy, and sex; they are not trying to commit to deep relationships quickly. Instead, they desire more freedom and autonomy, which does not subscribe to the idea that intimate partnerships are meant to have a linear structure with the ultimate goals of cohabitation, engagement, and marriage. Subsequently, they prefer to have a ‘situationship’ – a term that describes the grey area between a relationship and a friendship.

Sociology Professor Elizabeth Armstrong at the University of Michigan, US, says, “There’s a worldwide interest in situationships, across ethnicities, genders, and sexual orientations. The creation — and continued rise — of this term, especially among young daters, reveals a lot about how Gen Zers are re-framing what love and sex mean in a way that looks different than the generations before them.”

Simply put, a situationship is an informal arrangement typically between two people with emotional and physical connection components. However, it operates outside the conventional idea of being in an exclusive, committed relationship. Sometimes, situationships are constrained by time and the idea that a casual arrangement best fits the current situation. For example, this could be the case for two final-year university students, considering that new jobs could take them to new cities after graduating (British Broadcasting Corporation, September 2022)

Moreover, more young people are choosing to be single. In a recent ‘Singles in America’ survey, Millennials and Gen Z respondents showed higher rates of people deliberately choosing to be single in their social circles, 60 per cent and 56 per cent, respectively; 81 per cent of millennials and 79 per cent of Gen Z single respondents said being single was a way to have more time to work a side hustle. (Singles in America Survey, San Francisco Standard, February 2023)

With all of this information, my final question to Alex was, “If you guys are not trying to give love a chance, what is the purpose of a love language in the future?”

He responded, “Mom, love is always the answer, and it wins every time.”

As we celebrate Easter Sunday today, here’s to love because, in the end, it has everything to do with it.

Lisa Hanna is Member of Parliament for St Ann South Eastern, People’s National Party spokesperson on foreign affairs and foreign trade, and a former Cabinet member.