Dear Counsellor,

My children’s father and partner of 10 years encouraged me to take out a loan to pay for his ticket, then after he reached the States (he was to work for four months), he decided to stay, and now has ghosted all of us. What are some potential reasons why a man would do this, and how can I and our children cope with the feelings of confusion, abandonment, and loss while seeking closure and moving forward?

This situation happens all too frequently. I pray that you and your children will heal and find happiness and success. As to why a man would do this, the reasons would vary. However, I do think the main reason would be financial. What apparently happens to some men going to the States like that, fully intending to return home, is that they get swooped up by someone offering them a “nice life”. They are presented with opportunities and a new standard of living, contingent on their commitment to stay. Some also then get trapped in a sense of guilt, shame, and fear, because of the situation they’re in. They are “illegal immigrants” or “undocumented workers” and are often just stuck.

Some otherwise good, smart, guys get trapped in this situation. How? Well, when men only feel self-worth based on their ability to protect and provide for their family, they can become irritable and irrational if they are not adequately protecting and providing. Unfortunately, illogical decisions are possible at that point. I remind women to endeavour to make their men feel appreciated and valued, despite the financial struggles. Contentions in a relationship over money can make difficult situations become worse, for both. And I’m not saying this is so in your case.

Here’s my advice:

Create a timeline: Set a timeline for when you’ll move on, no matter what he does. Maybe another four to six months, if there’s no communication from him then you know you’re on your own. Rally your strength and plough on. Yes, you can!

Create a support network: Be purposeful about creating a team around you. The children will need a safe and reliable male figure in their lives. This doesn’t have to be a new romantic partner for you. You could ask your father, brother, uncle, pastor, teacher, etc to watch over them and speak into their lives. I do recommend becoming a part of a church community. A good church should make you all welcome and play an active role in all your lives.

Consider the silver lining: For Christians we declare Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God…” Consider that if his character allows him to ghost his family, maybe it is best he’s not present. Who knows what disaster could have otherwise happened. Accept and recite this, “If this is my path, I’ll walk it, even with gratitude.”

Forgive him: You and the children must not be captives to darkness. Don’t let this “present evil” cast a shadow over your futures. Work to free the children of any hate and malice for their father. This doesn’t mean accepting him back at any cost. It does mean to purposely not harbour ill-will towards him. Use the “all have sinned” technique. Know that we all have made mistakes.

Speak to children: Rally the children and give them pep talks. Assure them of your love and presence. This will help with the feeling of confusion, abandonment, and loss. Again, a good church family could help you with this.

Book a session: Schedule a session via
counsellorscouch.com. The objective will be to assist you with the pep talks, to create and execute strategic approaches towards working through the hurt and disappointment, and to create a partnership towards building resilience and opportunities for both you and the children. Consider getting financial support for multiple sessions if you must.

Be strong!

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.