Dear Counsellor,

My husband has gained a significant amount of weight since our marriage, and this has affected every area of our life. I am no longer in love with, or attracted to him. What can I do to address this issue and potentially reignite our love and connection? He has started various diets and has gone to the gym on several occasions, but never follows through, because he’s lazy. How can I tell him that if things don’t change, I’m out?

Your hubby has put on several pounds and it’s disturbing you. Understood. Don’t misread this and don’t panic, but “for better or for worse”. You committed to love him for better or worse. And I’m sure it is because you do care for him that you have written in seeking advice. So yes, let’s look at a strategy to fire-up your love and connection. But don’t abandon your marriage without effort to salvage it.

Unfortunately, some people wait until their marriage is ruined before they commit to getting up, toning up, dressing up and being their best selves. They let themselves go and do not feel convicted or compelled to be the version of themselves nearest to what their spouses admired when they were dating. That’s a disservice to their spouse and themselves. It’s often only after a break-up that some folks decide to show their ex what they’ve lost. They then commit to exercising and eating healthier. But one of the best things you can do for your relationship or marriage is to take care of yourself. Pay attention to your hygiene, grooming, clothing, weight, and general fitness, now.

My advice for you:

Try a “wifey intervention”: Decide that you are going to assist your husband. You’ll be impacting his health and his self-confidence. It’s not only about his looks. Probably give yourself a time period of a year or two to work on this project. Maybe set some modest weight-loss goals to go after, like two pounds per month. Yes, you can!

Be strategic: Don’t put him down or use derogatory names. You say he’s lazy, but he could be depressed (you’ll want to ascertain that). But plan to use your own proactive nature to inspire and insight his change. You could tell him that for every pound he loses you’ll… (whatever reward he might like, except a large plate). Buy him an outfit three sizes too small and tell him, the day you fit into this I’ll…” (be creative).

Manage the food: Find a way to control his food intake as best you can. Weight gain isn’t just about a lack of exercise. Doing hours at the gym means little if you eat five hamburgers a day and wash it down with two litres of soda. Eating smart impacts weight, guaranteed. Consider reaching out to the Ministry of Health and Wellness for any literature or nutritional advice they have. Also, figure out how to manage his food portions, and what’s available to him at home. Don’t get frustrated, just get creative.

Talk to him: Let him know that you can’t watch him ruin his health. Tell him that you’d be irresponsible if you didn’t do what you could to help him get fit. Tell him you feel at risk where your safety and sex life are concerned (being unfit does means being less able). Make him a few big promises for his weight loss and keep your promises. Be compassionate. You made a vow, so make it a project to help him.

Keep yourself fit: Make sure you’re doing what you want him to do, which is to work on being healthy, in shape, and fit. You could walk, swim, ride, or run together. Try to make it a romantic activity — always hold hands if you’re walking, or dry off each other after a swim.

You can reach out to me for further assistance at counsellorscouch.com.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.