Dear Counsellor,

I am seeking your counsel. My side chick is pregnant for me and we both want to keep the pregnancy. I don’t want my wife to know about this. I am ready to take responsibility for the pregnancy up till birth, and equally take care of the child. I am married with three kids.

Okay, you want to keep the pregnancy of your “side chick” a secret from your wife and children, while maintaining a relationship with this lady and being active in the life of the child. You seem to be setting yourself up for a life of immense pressure. The weight of maintaining the juggling act might be quite burdensome. Yes, some people do execute such feats and work to keep such secrets from their spouses all the way to their grave, but I wouldn’t recommend it.

I understand that you’d be concerned about losing your wife if she finds out. And there’s also the fear of losing the children and losing their respect. Understood. I suppose you came to your decision to keep this pregnancy a secret based on your assessment that keeping it a secret will be less disruptive and painful for you and everyone involved. I do suppose if we took a poll, it may be that about 60 per cent of respondents would agree with keeping it a secret, thus only 40 per cent might say do the courageous thing and confess.

I can’t and won’t endeavour to tell you outright what you should do — whether to keep the secret or not — but I can share with you what I believe I’d do: I would bite the bullet and fess up. I’d let the chips fall where they may.

My advice:

Rethink the situation: Yes, the Bible says, “Confess your faults to one another…” (James 5:16). You won’t want to live a life of fear, and in the shadows. Maintaining such a secret life is very tedious and could even impact your health so consider being brave enough to sit humbly with your wife and children to confess to them the situation. There would be a blow-up but it’s quite probable that you’ll be respected for your honesty when things settle down.

Think about your wife: Remember, she’s someone you’ve loved and made a commitment to. Consider honouring and respecting her enough now to confess, and so give her the freedom to choose what to do with the information. She’ll be hurt, but she may eventually respect you for having the courage, and caring enough, to confess.

Think about your three children: If your secret ever slips out and your children find out on their own, winning their respect again after that will be difficult. You could mitigate against that by preserving their respect through sharing this with them. They may be initially shocked, depending on their ages, but they quite possibly will honour your bravery when they are grown.

Think about the child: When the child is born, he/she will deserve your time, and time with their siblings. Hiding them away will rob them of growing up together and possibly enjoying each other’s company. You may never know how much another brother or sister could mean to your three children.

Two paths are before you: One path is a path of fear and the other is a path of courage. Yes, disclosing the relationship and the pregnancy to your wife will most likely mean the end of one of the relationships — either the intimate relationship with your side chick will have to end, and you only provide support for the child, or your marriage will end. You’ll have to consider how much you really value your marriage, truth, courage and respect.

I pray you find the wisdom and strength to choose wisely. You can get further help at www.counsellorscouch.com.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.