Dear Counsellor,

I recently found out that my live-in girlfriend has been secretly communicating with her ex, despite previous reassurance that they are just friends, and I have nothing to worry about. She had told me this a few years back when I realised they were still in contact, but promised to cut him off when I told her I was uncomfortable with it. I recently saw some messages that they had shared on social media, which proves that they are back in contact. I haven’t approached her about it yet, but in one message she told him that he was the one who got away. I had planned to propose on her birthday in September this year, but now I’m not so sure.

Your girlfriend lives with you but seems to be still interested in an old boyfriend. Understood! The
Bible advises, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” That’s an instruction to ensure you protect your emotional well-being. It’s about being careful who you let into your personal life, and with what baggage, because it can negatively affect your life. The wrong person can cause serious pain. So don’t ignore red flags, especially when it’s infidelity.

Inappropriate relationships often go under the guise of “a friend”. It may not even be that that relationship is sexual in nature, but the situation can still be inappropriate. If your partner shows greater loyalty to their “friend” than to you, demonstrated, for example, by certain secrets, then that romantic relationship may not be worth it.

Friendships are very important, but what a “friend” wants must be second to what your romantic partner wants. Especially when trust is on the line. Your particular situation worsens with the fact that this is an old intimate partner she’s in contact with.

My advice:

Hold-off on the September proposal: You are correct to want to get married, instead of shacking-up. But you’ll need to observe and weigh the relationship for a bit. Gather points of concern and any evidence of infidelity. If you’re not settled with what you are finding then it’s fine, wave her goodbye and wish her health and happiness, from a distance.

Confront her with your findings: Give her a chance to respond. Be absolutely respectful and tactful. However, before mentioning it, consider what you will do if she: 1) Denies 2) Confess or 3) Won’t respond. And remember, “NO” must always be an option for you. Meaning, if you don’t like what you hear, be bold enough to say “No, I’m not continuing with this relationship”.

Keep working on yourself: Make sure you are keyed-in with your own growth and development. Set some new goals for yourself regarding earning, learning and travelling. Make plans for fun activities with friends. Whatever the outcome with your girlfriend, keep committed to your own rising.

Make a plan for her departure: Consider what you’ll do if the worst comes, and the relationship fails. Think about where you might suggest she moves to, and by what time.

Remember to be objective: If it is that she confesses about not having cut-off her ex, but she is now genuinely over him, and is remorseful for lying, then the relationship doesn’t have to be tossed out. Remember, red flags don’t always mean you must end the relationship – it means give attention to the serious issue before taking another step. I’d then suggest you watch how things develop for at least another six months. If the relationship is salvaged, and you do feel to progress toward marriage, register for premarital counselling.

Counsellorscouch.com provides important premarital counselling sessions. The package is eight weeks long and thorough. You’ll receive important books, questionnaires and a workbook. The sessions will help you cover as many bases as possible to give yourselves a winning chance. I pray for your happiness.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.