The art of our necessity is strange,

That can make vile

To us, precious.

— Shakespeare, King Lear

Many things are necessary in life, although what’s necessary to one person isn’t necessarily so to another. Pleasure is necessary to some people, in fact it’s downright essential and they can’t live without it. Those are the Hedonists, who spend their lives in the pursuit of pleasure. Yet there are others who have no need of pleasure, but go through life as miserable and grumpy as a wet cat in freezing rain.

There are some religions that frown on pleasure and believe in living a very basic, Spartan way of life. But then again, that could be their pleasure. Even sex, which is said to be the epitome of pleasure, and is sought after by all and sundry, is not necessary to some people. Does the term ‘celibate vow’ ring a bell?

Oh sex, a multifaceted, many-splendoured thing, multi-pleasurable, multi-joyful experience that has men swooning after women, and women using that desire to their advantage.

Sex is necessary when a woman wants to have a man pursue her, the promise of sex that is, or when she wants the man to stay with her, or love her. Of course, conditions apply. One the other side of the bed, sex is necessary when the man wants to show how strong and virile he is. Again, conditions apply.

There are many other areas where sex is necessary and not just being done for the sake of doing the act, but is actually essential for the well-being of one partner, or for the relationship to work.

We’ll find out where sex is necessary, right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘Bettered wife syndrome’.

Hi Tony,

Battered wife syndrome is inflicted on a woman who has suffered intimate partner violence. This violence can be physical where the man beats the woman. But what is rarely discussed is sexual violence. This form of violence may take the form of choking the woman until she becomes unconscious, beating her while violently forcing himself into her. There is another word for this, it’s called rape.

Sandra

Hello Tony,

What you wrote is true. Sometimes I wonder if you peek into people’s bedrooms and see what they’re doing before you write your articles. I’m not a battered wife, but my sister is, and we watched her rapidly change from a vibrant young woman full of life, to a serious old woman, sullen, simpering, lacking self-esteem, childlike, in just a few years, all because of being subjugated by her abusive husband. And yet, no one dare tell her of her situation. She’s battered and doesn’t even know it.

Monica

Sex is a subject that’s taboo to speak about, even in a sex-driven society such as ours, despite the high rate of sexual interaction among our young people. Yes, even in schools sex is rampant with activities taking place in broad daylight in full view of other children in classrooms. Sex is rife among adults and even the elderly, but if you bring up the subject eyebrows are raised and you’re told that it’s not polite conversation. As for discussing it with children, that’s a no-no, it’s far better that they learn about it on the street, where misinformation is rife.

I recall many years ago, a lady paid us a visit with her young son, and was offended by the classic paintings of nude women that adorned our walls. She was afraid that her young son would see them. Now, apart from having the nerve to tell me what paintings I should have on my walls, the more serious issue was her restricting her son from seeing paintings of the female body in all its glory.

But that’s how taboo sex is for some people who would rather keep their children in the dark rather than educate them in the proper way.

They prefer to have their children grow up in sexual ignorance as perhaps they did, and end up as dysfunctional sexual illiterates. My father used to bring home Playboy magazines and ‘carelessly’ leave them around the house, so we had access to viewing the female form.

Just recently I was in the company of a young couple contemplating getting married, but I was taken aback when they expressed that they were waiting until after the nuptials before they engaged in sexual activity.

I hold very strong views about that, for I think that it’s a huge example that sex is absolutely necessary not only for procreation, but also for pleasure. People will take such great effort to ensure that the car that they’re buying is roadworthy, and will give many years of service. They will inspect the vehicle, give it a test drive, rev it out and even take it to an expert mechanic to make sure that it’s up to standard. And yet they’ll choose a partner and jump headlong into a relationship that’s supposed to last a lifetime, until death do they part, without even a test drive?

What irresponsible madness is that? I know that in some churches young couples are advised by the parson not to have sex before marriage, and I cannot understand why. It’s bad enough if they’re both virgins, for at least they’ll both be fumbling and stumbling around in the dark in unknown territory as the words from Star Trek echoed, ‘Going where no man has gone before.’

But when both of them have already had sexual experiences with other people before, yet decide to hold off, refrain, abstain from sex before their nuptials is beyond my comprehension. There are so many ifs. What if they are sexually incompatible? What if he’s too small, or too big? What if she’s too small, or heaven forbid, too big? What will become of the marriage?

Can you just imagine the honeymoon night?

“We made such a huge mistake, but we can’t turn back now.”

At least if you bought a car and the lights failed you can take it back as it’s still under warranty, but not so with no sex before marriage. You can’t buy puss inna bag.

Sex is necessary even before marriage, and is so important that a marriage is not decreed legal unless it’s consummated, meaning, to have sexual relations. Back in the old days there have been cases of men returning the new bride to her parents because the honeymoon was a disaster.

“Here, take her back, she has no use.”

Even though sex is extremely important and necessary in marriage, it’s not the only thing, and women who think that sex alone will hold a man, had better think again. If sex was the only thing that men wanted from women, then men would marry prostitutes, for that’s where the mecca, the holy grail, the nirvana of sex is. But they don’t marry prostitutes, even though the sex is overwhelming. So I’m told.

Sex is necessary when women want to make men feel as if they’re wanted or special. It’s not every time that a man approaches his woman for sex it means that she’s equally inclined. But if she’s smart, she knows that it’s necessary to please him and make him feel as if he’s desired.

“Sometimes I’m not really in the mood, but I still accommodate him to keep him happy.”

Men like happy endings.

It’s hardly likely that a man will start dating a woman and not desire sex after six months. It’s important to him that she doesn’t think that he’s a wimp, a soft man, a ma-ma man, or gay.

“Say wha, I have fi drop it hard and establish myself, boss.”

So, after a prescribed time has passed, he has to have sex to dispel any negative impressions that she may have about him, plus prove to her and to himself that he’s a real man.

I have heard women say, “Imagine, three months now and nutten happen, something must be wrong with him.” That’s why very often those first sexual encounters are borderline violent and aggressive on the man’s part. He has to prove his masculinity.

“Man, I tell you, I mash it up last night, she call me the lord’s name.”

“You never had to go so hard yu nuh, you cudda take yu time with a little tenderness.”

Sex is necessary to show love, and if you separate the two, it’s meaningless. That’s why prostitutes can do what they do, separate the sex from love and love from sex. Yes, some do have a regular boyfriend who they love, even though they have sex with countless other men. Much has been said about that.

‘Sex is a part of love, you shouldn’t go around doing it unless in love.’ — Bettie Page

‘Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.’ — Hunter Thompson

‘Physics is like sex, it may give some practical results, but that’s not why we do it.’ — Richard P Feynman

‘I pretty much require sex on a regular basis.’ — Unknown, or is that the collective voices of all Jamaican men?

Even when couples cheat, sex is necessary, for without sex, there is no cheating. Or is there? Some women believe that there is emotional cheating when the man gets involved with another woman without actually having sex. But I say, if there’s no sex there is no cheating. Sex is necessary to consummate the cheating.

That’s why when people are caught cheating, the first thing that the wife asks is, “Do you love her?” But the first thing that the husband asks is, “Did you have sex with him?”

Sex is necessary to mash up the relationship, and it’s necessary in so many different areas of our lives. And for those who aren’t getting any, remember, necessity is the mother of invention. Be creative.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Someone asked me if I was going to do a Father’s Day column, but I said no way, as fathers nuh get nuh ratings. All the fuss is made about Mother’s Day, but fathers are so often forgotten. I guess some of the cussing is justified, but there are many good fathers still around. For them, I wish a happy Father’s Day and keep on doing the best that you can.