Counsellor,

I am 25 years old and getting married early next year. I am seeking your counsel regarding my relationship with my mother, who I am wary of even inviting to my wedding. Over the years, our relationship has become strained, primarily due to my feelings about the men she has chosen to involve herself with in the past.

Growing up, I witnessed my mom in relationships with men who were, to put it lightly, questionable in character. These men often brought chaos and instability into our lives, and I struggled to understand why my mom would allow such people into our home. As a result, I have developed a deep-seated resentment towards her, and it’s affecting our relationship in significant ways.

I find it difficult to respect my mom because I feel like she prioritised these men over my well-being and our family’s stability. This lack of respect has created a barrier between us, making it hard for us to communicate effectively or maintain a healthy mother-daughter bond. I was forced to raise myself, and grow up too soon. I want to move past these feelings, but I don’t know how.

Especially now that I am in a stable, healthy relationship, and I’m about to embark on a future with my new family, the old feelings are resurfacing, including feelings where I am embarrassed for her, and ashamed of her. She is older now and has put her past behind her, but I still remember. I don’t want her to be my maid of honour, and I don’t want her there, but my fiancé insists, because he doesn’t really understand my past. In fact he thinks I’m selfish and a terrible person, but I think this is my mother’s comeuppance. I believe that professional guidance could help me understand and navigate my emotions better. I want to work on rebuilding my relationship with my mom, but I need help in addressing the underlying issues that have caused this rift.

So, you’re struggling to respect your mother due to the poor choices she’s made in her life. Understood. Okay, so yes the
Bible says to honour your father and mother so that you will live longer and it might be well with you (Deuteronomy 5:16). It may sound cliché, but there’s a powerful reason behind this instruction. It’s not just that God wants to “boss” anyone around and dole out commands, it’s actually a best-practice social exercise. #GodGivesGreatGuidance. There’s a strategic social benefit to respectful-connectedness to your parents. The chances of an extended life and good life accomplishments are increased through this.

In your case, speaking respectfully of your mom and to her, is important. Respect for her position as “mom” will impact your ability to navigate other relationships in a mature manner. And no, respect for her doesn’t mean including her in your wedding nor your daily life. Sometimes it’s just about learning to deal with her in “portions”. And yes, it’s great that you want to work on rebuilding the relationship with her.

So you can move past your feelings by:

1) Talking with her: Have an honest heart-to-heart with her. Mention how hurt you were and are. But be respectful. Resenting her really isn’t healthy for you.

2) Honouring her “position”: You’ve mentioned she’s “put her past behind”. That sounds like she’s changed. Let her know you’re glad she’s changed, and that you want the best for her.

3) Understand that people make mistakes: Your mum messed-up, but she’s “cleaning-up”. Show her some grace. We all need grace at times.

4) Schedule a counselling session: Book a session for yourself, and then for both of you together. Resolving the issues of the past will take some work. Also, I hope you’ve scheduled or completed your premarital counselling sessions already. I don’t quite understand “he thinks I’m selfish and a terrible person”.

I pray that you’ll heal and that the relationship with your mom may also heal.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.