Counsellor,

My husband, who has always been the love of my life, has gained a significant amount of weight over the past few years. His appearance has changed drastically, and I’m ashamed to admit that I am revolted. It’s not just his physical appearance that has changed (and his obesity also means that he has shrunk in other places) — his energy levels have plummeted, and he has become more withdrawn. He used to be active and full of life, but now he spends most of his time on the settee. We barely do anything together anymore. This has taken a toll on our relationship emotionally, physically, and sexually. I still love him and I want to support him, but I’m struggling with these feelings of disgust and resentment. I’m afraid that if I bring up the issue, I will hurt his feelings or push him away. I don’t know how to approach the subject without sounding shallow or insensitive. How do I talk to my husband about my concerns without damaging our relationship?

It is absolutely understandable that you’re struggling with these changes. It’s good that you want to get help. What you’re actually attempting to do is to save both his life and your relationship. It’s great that you’re still in love with him. People naturally change while ageing, etc, but inactivity and obesity seriously affect your health negatively. So thinking of an intervention is a good thing.

Spouses cheat their partners when they drastically change from the person they were when their partner said, “I do”. If the change isn’t due to illness or a situation beyond his control, then it’s being disrespectful to the partner. You should know, though, that certainly, some medical conditions and some medications can cause physical and psychological changes. You’ll need to consider if that’s the case.

If the changes aren’t caused by health challenges, then he’s now putting himself at a risk of actually developing health problems. And that creates a whole new threat to the relationship. So you can’t be afraid to bring up the issue to him. Commit to do your best to help him — then that’s enough.

It is interesting that the
Bible says that a person can “defraud” their spouse when they begin to restrict intimacy (1 Corinthians 7:3-5. [KJV]). It also says, “Render unto the wife due benevolence”. You are due kindness and love. According to the
Bible, once you get married, compassionate care is due to you, which includes a healthy sex life and good romance. #GodCares

My advice:

Don’t disrespect him: He too is due compassion. Do not practise name calling, not even in your mind. In fact, saying positive and pleasant things to him can help to bring change. You may just motivate him to check himself. But be respectful, absolutely persistent, and also patient.

Get medical advice: Consult a doctor to find out if there’s anything going on medically. Medication for high blood pressure, diabetes, epilepsy, antidepressants, etc, can cause psychological and physical changes. Ask about any medication he’s taking. An appropriate diet and an exercise routine can also be discussed.

Be strategic: Challenge him to change. You can’t fear damaging the relationship, he needs your help. If Eve got Adam to eat the forbidden fruit, maybe you can get your husband not to eat — well, not to eat the wrong things. Make him some irresistible promises for progress he makes. Try also to manage mealtimes and grocery shopping as best as you can.

Get counselling: Your sessions should be geared towards creating an opportunity for you both to express yourselves freely and comfortably. It could be that he has even experienced something and hasn’t said it to you yet. You may both need individual and joint sessions.

I pray that your husband returns to the kind of physical condition, energy level, and routine that works well for you both.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.