Counsellor,

My husband has fathered a child outside of our marriage, and I am now faced with the reality of accepting this child into our lives, as the mother says she’s not prepared to parent since my husband didn’t choose her. He chose me, and our marriage, but this has brought up a whirlwind of emotions—hurt, betrayal, confusion, and anger—that I am struggling to process. He brought the child to live with us and I understand that the child is innocent in this situation, and I want to find a way to come to terms with it, but I am deeply conflicted. It feels like a betrayal that is hard to move past, and I don’t know how to rebuild the trust and stability that this has shaken. I need help finding a path forward for myself, my marriage, our family, and this child.

Understood. You suddenly have a stepchild and you’re finding it hard to deal with your husband’s infidelity. Yes, it certainly cannot be easy navigating the situation, and no one can fault you for feeling the way you do. I commend you for trying to make your marriage work under the circumstances, and for considering a path forward with the child. You deserve applause for trying! However, while I do commend you, there is a need for you to protect yourself too. We’ll need to make sure you are being fair to yourself as well.

As happens on an aeroplane where they say, “Put on your own oxygen mask before attempting to assist anyone else”, so applies in this case. You have to make sure you can breathe first. My hope is that you will certainly go the route to being healthy and whole, before you attempt to work on helping others sort through their quagmire. Do ensure your own mental, spiritual and physical health are taken care of from now. It’s good that you’ve written in.

My advice:

Look about yourself: Make sure you don’t blame yourself for anything your husband has done. Do as the
Bible says, “Keep your heart with all diligence” (Proverbs 4:23). Protect your sense of self-worth. And watch out for the darkness of self-doubt. Probably take time off, on your own, to go think things through. Take some time also to pamper and encourage yourself. You deserve that time.

Consider counselling sessions: It may be prudent for you to do sessions, on your own at first. You can decide later if you’d want to do joint sessions with your husband. The goal will be to obtain support to overcome the hurt, confusion and anger. You can always reach out to counsellorscouch.com for further assistance

Remember to create boundaries: Understand that you are not bound to accept the proposed arrangement. If you do accept the new arrangement, then consider setting boundaries and terms for your husband and for the mother of the child. Remember, no must always be an option. Create a solid plan that ensures you’re able to say “No, this doesn’t work for me”, if it doesn’t. You should be prepared to let everyone know your red lines. Stand by those lines you draw.

It is good that your husband did not attempt to hide the fact that he was unfaithful. It is smarter to own up to mistakes than to try to hide them. In doing so he has maybe shown some level of respect for you. Knowing the truth gives you the opportunity to determine what you’d like to do in light of the situation. However, I do hope that he is also man enough to do the time, having done the crime. I hope he’s willing to take the necessary remedial steps to regain your trust and confidence, and to honour you above everyone else.

I pray for healing and God’s guidance for you.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.