Counsellor,

I proposed to my fiancée last year on Valentine’s Day, and we are supposed to get married next January. She is extremely excited, and looking to spend the rest of her life with me, but the problem is, this summer I actually met the love of my life. It’s the biggest irony, as for years my fiancée and I were friends, and as I approached 40, I wanted to start a family and settle down, and we started a relationship that eventually led to the proposal. For me, there were never any fireworks, just familiarity, and I thought that was best to build on. But on a visit to Chicago this summer, I met the woman who I know that God ordained for me. We have been communicating, and it was instant — me knowing that she’s the one. What can I do to get out of my impending marriage, without hurting my fiancée?

Do you know Elvis Presley’s song, Can’t Help Falling In Love? There’s a reason he says, “Wise men say only fools rush in”. That’s because wise people know it’s important to think carefully before making life-changing decisions. Ms Chicago may have been exciting to you in the summer, but can things hold up for the long haul? Many men have learnt the wisdom of the words “only fools rush in” later in life.

Now, you’ve said that Ms Chicago is “God ordained”, and I’m not saying she isn’t “the one”. But I am saying be careful about using a summer stint to make that assumption. Because what a man needs in a good wife is a steady, “got-your-back”, “walk and work with you”, “ride-or-die” type support. It sounds a little like Ms Valentine’s Day has been just that. So be careful not to be distracted because of a “new” opportunity.

I remind the religious readers among us that it was a failed marriage that messed up the mighty Samson, and it’s a misunderstanding of romance that messed up the wise Solomon. So it makes sense for guys to take time to choose a wife carefully, and on the right basis. However, if Ms Chicago is your choice, here’s how to go about making the shift:

Speak with Ms Chicago: Let her know you have to do the right thing with regard to your former relationship. Tell her you’re going to go call off your engagement. Doing this you should get a feel of where Ms Chicago’s heart is. Then go take that time to break it off with Ms Valentine’s Day.

Sit with Ms Valentine’s Day: There’s nothing you can do that’s not going to hurt her. You can only try to let her down easy. Do all the hard work that will be necessary to shift the relationship from platonic to romantic. If she loves you and was excited as you say, then she’ll be absolutely crushed. Tell her you’re giving yourself a shot at something new. Be careful about any mention that Ms Chicago is “God ordained”. Also, if you have mutual assets with her, lean in favour of her benefit.

Rally support for her: She’ll need the support of others. Try to alert mutual friends to what’s going to happen. Explain things to them and ask them for support. You may also need to alert her parents and siblings, via a phone call, and with much apology.

Stay away from her: You’ll need to cut off regular contact with her once she becomes your ex. Know that she’s not yours to make requests of, to lean on, to share accomplishments and experiences with, to ask for advice, etc. She’ll need the distance from you in order to recover. And you’ll need the distance from her to allow Ms Chicago to take that space.

Counsellorscouch.com stands ready to offer support in situations like these. Make contact for further assistance and premarital counselling.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.

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