My bounty is as boundless

As the sea, my love as deep,

The more I give to thee,

The more I have,

For both are infinite.

— Shakespeare,
Romeo and Juliet

Is there no respect of place,

Persons nor time in you?

— Shakespeare

Is it better to be loved or respected, especially if you’re involved in a relationship? It’s usually women who carp about love, even as it’s mostly men who wax lyrical about it. Women are always asking men, “Do you love me?” Just look at that quote above for an example of how men are always expounding about love and telling women how much they love them.

Maybe it’s because men think that’s what women like to hear, so they pile on the purple prose or poetry about love. Plus, it’s a sure way of getting women to have sex with them, just tell them that you love them.

“How do I love thee, let me count the ways,” is another line from Romeo and Juliet.

Even when couples are married this comes to the fore, for nowhere in the Bible does it say that a woman should love her husband. It says that she should respect him, but nothing about love.

“However, each of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” — Ecclesiastics 5:33

That verse highlights the reciprocal nature of love and respect in a marriage, where husbands are commanded to love their wives and wives are commanded to respect their husbands. But that may be easier said than done, as we’ll find out right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘Substitute for sex’.

Tony,

Some were born naturally sexy and love sex, some unnatural, while some had sex thrust upon them. Plus, with the ratio of men to women, more women than men could be a turn-off from sex, having to share. As you mentioned, the problems are many, including psychological, and health issues could also be a factor. I didn’t know that some persons have taken unto themselves this shrewd way of avoiding sex. In denial and crazy.

Paula

Teerob,

You have hit the nail on the head — and it’s like you were peeking into my bedroom. My wife will do anything to avoid having sex with me, including spending countless hours on her cellphone. After a while I just gave up and resorted to living a celibate life. What’s sad is that if I go elsewhere for it, she same one will get vex.

Clive

That
Bible verse about men loving their wives and wives respecting their husbands makes a lot of sense. I put this to many men and asked them, “Would you rather be loved or respected?” Almost every man said that he’d rather be respected, for love can come and go and doesn’t really give any rewards except a fawning woman who becomes clingy and obsessive. With respect though, the man’s self-esteem is bolstered, he is seen as a hero in his wife’s eyes, his ego is massaged, and he is placed in the rightful position in the marriage as head of the household.

Ha! Some women might not like to hear that for to them, showing respect means that they have to exhibit servitude, put the man on a pedestal, make him larger than life itself. Some women find that to be less than ideal.

Maybe that’s why so many marriages are crumbling or just floating in limbo nowadays, for the women do not show respect to their men. With no respect from the women there can be no marriage, and when that respect goes the man appears to be small in the woman’s eyes. The chief complaint from many men is the disrespect from their women — and for many that’s the last straw.

She sees him as nothing, as a bwoy, less than a man, and she speaks to him the same way as you would talk to a houseboy. The language that she uses to him is offensive and belittling, and she will even do so in public.

“Shut your mouth, you’re talking rubbish.”

“How can she talk to her man like that?”

“That’s because she has no respect for him.”

And yet he may still love her, although that may diminish in time. And speaking of love, there are certain indicators that occur when a woman loses respect for her man. The first being the withdrawal of sex. That can be a two-way street, for how can she have sex with a man who she doesn’t respect? And how can the man make love to a woman who he knows does not respect him?

That’s why some men will seek it elsewhere and get involved with women who are considered beneath his station.

“At least when I’m with the domestic helper she shows me respect.”

“When I’m with the downtown girl I feel like I’m the man of the house.”

That’s how much props men give to respect, they’ll go far and wide to get it.

I have done my research, and when I speak to various men I get the same responses about lack of respect from their women. Here are some indicators:

They say that their wives contradict everything that they say, and their home is like a battlefield. She is confrontational and argues about every little thing. She resents his very presence and finds fault with everything that he does.

She majors in the minor, her criticism is relentless, and every conversation feels like a competition.

“It’s as if I’m in a boxing match — pure jabbing, left hook, upper cut, and bobbing and weaving.”

There is a power struggle and a never-ending fight for control. Where did this come from?

Maybe it started in the 60s and 70s with the women’s liberation movement, the burning of bras and showing men that not only are women equal, they are superior. Many took it to the extreme, and the damage was done. That was the beginning of the end, as many men found it almost impossible to find a woman who wasn’t touched by the movement and who showed any respect.

A wife should not be her husband’s rival but instead should be his partner, his friend. How many men can truly say that their wives are their best friend? You’ll have to look long and hard to find that for women want to show their dominance, their independence, their strength. And with that, there goes the respect.

Men are basically simple creatures who are capable of showing great love. Sometimes all a man needs is a word of appreciation, a ‘Thank you’, a gesture that boosts his self-esteem, and he’ll give that woman the world.

But many times the man dreads when the woman comes home for he knows that it’s pure war and hell and powderhouse when she walks through that door. No one is saying that a wife should be subservient, a serf, a peon, a servant who caters to the whims and fancy of the man, far from that. But a little respect could go a far way in making the relationship work.

And yes, apart from loving his wife, a man should also show her respect, for it goes both ways. Are those days long gone? Is the lack of respect a modern-day phenomenon that erodes the fabric of many marriages? I always use my late parents as role models as through their many decades of marriage I never heard my father say anything unkind to my mother or even raise his voice to her, nor did I see her show him any disrespect.

I’m sure that they had their problems and issues, which occur in all marriages, but love and respect were foremost in the home. For many couples nowadays, is war inna Babylon.

Of course, the onus also falls on the men, for if the man doesn’t show the woman any love, compassion, empathy and patience, then her respect for him will disappear. In many cases the woman will seek those elsewhere, and end up in the arms of another man.

“He drove me to do it with his cold, unfeeling attitude towards me.”

Well that’s her story anyway.

But why do women lose respect for their men? Did it just happen overnight? One reason is if the man’s fortune changes and the money isn’t running as it used to. Maybe he lost his job and in her eyes she’s now better than him. The balance of power has shifted.

A man with sexual problems may also be disrespected by his woman, who may seek pleasure elsewhere.

“Him can’t do a thing! How can I respect a man like that?”

Some men then resort to physical abuse to garner respect from their woman.

“When I drop two lick pon har she haffi respect me.”

So the Bible is right, husbands should love their wives and wives should respect their husbands. Nowhere does it say that a woman should love her husband, but it’s a plus if she does, along with the respect.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: This whole imbroglio that is in the news about sprinter Asafa Powell being dissatisfied with how Jamaica has treated him is most unfortunate. He even went as far as to say that if he had known better he would have taken up offers to run for another country in the past. He went further to say that his wife has dual citizenship therefore he might not let his children run for Jamaica. Who says that his children would be good enough sprinters? The perception is, Asafa comes across as a spoilt child who craves recognition. A statue of him was erected, he has been bestowed with national honours. What more does he want? He has earned a lot of money from track and field over the years. There are many Jamaicans — nurses, policemen, firefighters, doctors, teachers — who are deserving. Sometimes some people overrate their importance.