Wife belittles husband
Counsellor,
My wife, during an argument, told me that she regrets our marriage and even considered cheating. She said everything she does for me is out of obligation, and said I ruined her life. I have been nothing but a good husband, but I believe she has always looked down on me, because I’m below her educationally and intellectually and my family is poor. I really don’t want to be with someone like this anymore, but she’s pregnant, and we also have another young child. Can something like this even be salvaged? I just want to count my losses and move on, to be honest.
You are frustrated because of the present condition of your marriage. Understood. I encourage you to lift up your head! You attract more of what you emit. So don’t be negative about yourself. It sounds a bit as if you are “dumping” on yourself. Don’t replicate it if you feel your wife is dumping on you. Do like Samson in the Bible, shake yourself free, and get out of the cords of the folly of low self-esteem. Too bad he slipped back into his folly once too often. You don’t have to!
The Bible also says (Proverbs 17:22), “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones”. Find a way to lift your spirit and do not imbibe the negativity of the situation — it can literally make you sick. You cannot control how your wife will feel or think. But you can control how you feel or think about yourself. Believe in yourself and invest heavily in your development and growth. You’re certain to be happier and healthier.
As I say to others I say to you, your first responsibility is to yourself and your soul — even before family. Take care of your soul. Protect your mental health. Do not abandon yourself because anyone derides or looks down on you. Believe the best things about yourself and pursue the best things for yourself, and your family. Let your wife decide what she wants to do. But go ahead and be the best you that you can be, despite any situation.
That said, let me remind you that people often will say hurtful things they don’t really mean. And yes, words can often strike deeper than a fist. But you’ve mentioned that you have been a “good husband”. Keep being a good husband and be resilient and strong. Don’t fall down from the weight of low self-esteem (Ecclesiastes 7:21). “Also take no heed unto all words that are spoken; lest thou hear thy servant curse thee” — in essence it means don’t absorb negative words spoken to you.
I advise you to:
Plan new things for yourself: Do something that will cheer you up. Refresh yourself with some new activity. Take up a new hobby, a sport, or join Toastmasters, or register for a new course of study.
Fortify your spirit: Determine that whatever happens you’ll still be a good person working on your personal improvement and maximising all that life has to offer you, while taking care of your family. But don’t be an emotional hostage to the situation. And don’t quit easily. Developing a devotional life can help too.
Don’t give up on her: Your wife hasn’t left, nor did she cheat. So, it seems she’s still in the game. Dust off your Prince Charming routines. Go try to wine and dine her again. Determine to work on things and let her know your intention to do the work to make things work. Make sure to give her all the support she needs during this period of pregnancy. And make sure she feels safe and secure. Let her know she matters to you. #Try.
Feel free to reach out to me for counselling support. I pray that mutual love and respect thrives and that your marriage will yet flourish.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
