For what is wedlock forced,

But a hell, an age of discord

And continuous strife?

Whereas the contrary bringeth bliss.

—Shakespeare, 1 Henry, VI

Those are powerful words coming from that quote about forced marriages, as the outcome can be brutal. The emphasis is on the word forced, as it means that the marriage was not thought out properly, had some doubts affixed, but they went ahead anyway. The same goes for hasty marriages too, for as the saying goes, ‘Marry in haste, repent at leisure’.

People often marry for the wrong reasons and end up living a life of regret, remorse, ruination. That being said though, marriage can be a beautiful experience if you find the right partner to share your life with. But finding that person is almost like winning the lotto, the odds are slim. So marry for the wrong reason and there’s hell to pay.

For that reason, many people will not go ahead with the marriage even after a long courtship, all because they found out something that gave them second thoughts.

Others will still go ahead and hope for the best, praying that by some divine intervention things will improve or that the partner may change somehow and the marriage will stand the test of time.

There are some couples who get so caught up in the whirlwind planning of the wedding, that they think that it’s too late to stop. After all, plans were set in motion, church and hotel booked, caterers reserved, music and video arranged, guests invited and travel plans made.

“It’s too late to turn back now.”

But even with all that, it’s best to put the brakes on the whole plans and bring everything to a screeching halt. In effect, even if you think that you’ve passed the point of no return, it’s best to call it off.

We’ll see why, right after these responses to what I had to say about Narcissists.

Teerob,

Again, you have my wife wondering if I spoke to you about her, for everything that you wrote repeated what I’ve been telling her over the years. As they say, if the shoe fits, wear it. Narcissists are real though, and even after reading your article, I came across several that shed more light on the subject. Some women spend more time in front of the mirror and take selfies that you wonder if they’re a Kardashian. They see nothing but themselves, and punishment for them would be a life without mirrors.

Courtney

Tony,

Men are narcissists too, and that trait, fuelled by an inflated ego and oversized self-esteem, makes them more than obnoxious. You see them in the cars that they drive, as they want the world to look at them with extreme admiration. They walk into a room and assume that all eyes are focused on them. In their minds all women want them and all men envy them. I know, I was married to one.

Sharon

It’s the dream of most people to get married, at least the dream of most women, for spinster is a bad word in society. Both men and women have different reasons to get married, but the fact is, marriage is on the radar of most human beings. Still, as I pointed out earlier, there are pitfalls and challenges if you end up with the wrong person, make the wrong choice and pick up tack, as the saying goes.

Because of this, you should try your best to do due diligence and choose the merchandise before the transaction is complete. Caveat emptor is the Latin phrase, buyer beware, for after you’ve purchased the goods, you’re stuck with it, as there is no return policy.

So you try your best to check and check and check to make sure that you’re both compatible, and that any little crack that you see in the structure won’t turn into a gaping gully or pothole down the line. And that’s why I believe in sex before marriage, despite what the churches and pseudo moralists say, but I’ll get back to that later.

Right now, what really prompted this discourse was because I was speaking with a gentleman who told me that just a few weeks before his wedding he called it off. The reason, he said, was that just by chance he discovered that his bride-to-be had a history of mental illness in her family.

“Her mother went mad, as did her aunt and her grandmother who was in Bellevue,” was what he told me.

So because of that revelation, he called the wedding off, with just a few days to go, leaving the bride-to-be devastated. This was the first time I was hearing anything like that and it really bemused me, even as I tried to maintain a straight face and calm demeanour. He continued to say that there was no guarantee that his intended wife would not also slip into insanity or would their children.

“I’m taking no chance with her or my unborn pickney dem, so I called it off. Take sleep mark death.”

Now, back to the issue of sex before marriage that I mentioned and why weddings should be called off because of that activity. Sex is perhaps the most important aspect of a marriage, for apart from all the bumping, grinding and sweating, it also acts as a binding force, an emotional bond that brings couples closer together. At least it should. So take that away and there is basically no marriage, just two ships passing in the night.

So how can you know what’s in store for you sexually if you don’t do a series of test runs before? If, perchance, after a lengthy courtship and then, wham, a few weeks before the wedding you decide to have sex and discover that you’re both incompatible, call it off.

You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, so even if the wedding plans were well underway, and you discover that you’re sexually unequally yoked, call it off. Why I brought this up was because I saw this movie titled
Fitting In that told the story of this young woman who had a genital anomaly where her reproductive system was out of whack. Her vagina was barely an inch in depth and she had no uterus or fallopian tubes.

The story centred around a young girl who was diagnosed with a rare reproductive condition called MRKH syndrome. Naturally, she’s confused and devastated, for she’s ‘not normal,’ and cannot perform sexual activities.

“Mullerian agenesis, also known as Mullerian aplasia, vaginal agenesis, or Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser syndrome, is a congenital malformation characterised by a failure of the Mullerian ducts to develop, resulting in a missing uterus and variable degrees of vaginal hypoplasia of its upper portion.”

Some really scary medical stuff there, and if that’s not a case for having sex before marriage then nothing is. What I saw was a movie, but it was based on medical and scientific issues. These things do occur in reality and people do have different physical challenges when it comes to their sexual reproductive system.

So it got me thinking, what if that girl or others like her had met a guy, courted for a while, planned big wedding, then decided to tell the guy about her condition a week before the wedding? Wouldn’t that be grounds to call it off? Can you just imagine that wedding night when the man is ready to get down to business and she decides to tell him about her condition?

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I was afraid you wouldn’t want to marry me.”

That condition might be rare, but there are other issues that will affect a couple’s future life together, and that’s why I make my case for sex before marriage. That way the wedding would not have to be called off at the last minute because of a shocking revelation.

This goes for men too, for if the man is hung like a horse, too big for comfort, or to the other extreme, eenie meenie tiny teenie like a cigarette, the woman will not be a happy camper on that wedding night either. So if he decides not to tell her or at least show her his endowment or lack of it and she can’t deal with it, a week before the wedding, it’s best that she call it off.

“I just don’t know where he was going with that thing, so I had to call it off.”

Sometimes people will take it down to the wire, as they think and double think about calling it off, and delay the nuptials until the last possible minute, leaving the bride or the groom standing all alone at the altar. Jilted.

“To find yourself jilted is a blow to your pride, do your best to forget it, and if you don’t succeed, at least pretend to.” — Moliere.

“Better to be courted and jilted, than never to be courted at all.” — Thomas Campbell.

“If ever you find yourself in the wrong story, leave.” — Mo Williams.

Question for the doubters: What if, at the church door, the bride-to-be confessed that she slept with the best man a few days ago, what would you do?

So, whenever you decide to do it — months, weeks, days or even hours or minutes before the wedding — those three words can send shock waves of seismic proportions throughout your space. Call it off. It’s better to suffer a short time of pain and embarrassment than a lifetime of hell. Call it off.

“Why yuh crying bredrin?”

“I got married the same day my bredrin went to prison, spent 10 years and free now, I shudda called off my wedding 10 years ago. Waaaa!”

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Speaking of calling it off, it’s said that more women are jilted at the altar than men, as perhaps males have more second thoughts and draw brakes at the last minute. But statistics show that more women initiate separation or divorce men than the other way around. Is it because women are difficult to please, never satisfied, or cannot tolerate the faults of their spouses? What is true is that women usually emerge better off after divorce, as the courts are more than kind to them, awarding them the house, kids, alimony and other stuff, especially in the USA. What’s also true is that despite how many times a woman gets divorced, she always says that it’s the man’s fault, never hers. I shall explore this further.