Counsellor,

My husband has recently come with certain arguments that I’m uncomfortable with, stating that he wants to try things in bed that I’m uncomfortable with, and even shocked about. I’m no prude by any stretch, but these new things swing way outside heterosexual norms. He jokes them off when I ask who he’s talking to or what he’s watching, and he doesn’t pressure me when I say no, I’m just uncomfortable that these things are even things a straight man would have in his inventory. Am I right for being concerned? Or just paranoid?

Your husband is proposing new sexual activities that you are uncomfortable with, and you want to know if there’s a crisis, and if you should be concerned. Understood. Making outlandish requests isn’t generally the problem, especially since he isn’t insisting. If he was making it a dealbreaker that would be a bigger red flag. However, it certainly is good that he feels the freedom to mention something new to you, as weird as it may be. It means that he trusts you sufficiently.

Remember, couples must retain the freedom to share thoughts and desires openly, because this is critical to intimacy. And you have to be prudent not to ridicule or condemn him for making a request, as shocking as it may be. The freedom to speak gives you the opportunity to know where he’s at. If your partner has desires but is afraid to mention it or approach you, then be concerned that they may approach someone they think is more accommodating. So, while you are concerned, don’t condemn him. You should now feel free to speak to him to get clarity. Probably ask “Why do you want that?” and possibly add “Is there something else that’s possible?”

You are wondering if he has gay or bisexual tendencies. And no, I don’t think you’re being paranoid. But I don’t think you can know just from the request. I think you need more evidence than that before staging an intervention. Any doubt or confusion on the matter is an ingredient for possible marital collapse. So figure out how to make him feel free to be very open with you. You are correct to ask what he’s watching or who he’s speaking with. Some interests do develop from what is now easily accessible online: The “information age” is apparently also becoming the “disinformation age”.

Yes, the Internet is helping to introduce individuals to many wild ideas. It is quite possible that he’s picked it up from porn and now wants to try it out. He wouldn’t be the first and most likely won’t be the last. I remind individuals that porn does damage! If you want to learn, read a book, or ask smart questions of knowledgeable people. There’s really no good reason to watch porn.

And it is also possible that he has been influenced by others too. In some countries people are more “liberal” with their sexual activities than typical Caribbean heterosexuals tend to be. And that includes what you are alluding to. And individuals that travel regularly or have lived or studied overseas can often pick up “new” ideas. You’ll need to give your husband ample opportunity to say why exactly he desires this new activity. And without condemnation, let him know your boundaries. Fun is fine, safety is better!

While there must be room for adventure, learning and exploration in the bedroom, the
Bible reminds couples, (Hebrews 13:4 – NET), “Marriage must be honoured among all and the marriage bed kept undefiled, for God will judge sexually immoral people and adulterers.” It is understood that though adventure is encouraged, balance is critical. Couples must have some boundaries. Again, the
Bible says, (1 Corinthians 10:23 – NET), “Everything is lawful, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is lawful, but not everything builds others up“. So, not everything that can be done, should be done.

Dialogue is your best option now. And if after a good, casual, heart-to-heart talk you are still feeling concerned, then seek further help. Feel free to reach out to schedule a session. I pray that you will get the clarity you need.

Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.