For what is wedlock forced but a hell,

An age of discord and continuous strife?

Whereas the contrary bringeth bliss

And is a pattern of celestial peace.

— Shakespeare
1 Henry VI, 5, 5

What an absolutely horrible thing to say about marriage in that quote above. Clearly that person has had a terrible experience from the institution and is now cynical, jaded, disappointed and very wary. But he’s so way off the mark, for we all know that marriage is not like that. After all, everyone is happily married and living in bliss, free of all discord and strife.

At least that’s what you hear from some people who see marriage as the ultimate prize, the goal, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, especially for women who see it as such. But there is goal and there is gaol, two words that somewhat look alike at first glance but are distinctly different.

Goal is the ultimate achievement, while gaol is the old English word for jail, prison, lock up, the old hoosegow as they call it in old cowboy movies, the clink, a place of incarceration. Nevertheless it’s pronounced jail.

So which is it, goal or gaol for marriage? Well, all this came about when I was having a discussion with some ladies right after Valentine’s Day a few weeks ago. Many of them were single and they complained that their married counterparts rub that fact in their faces.

“They saw marriage as the ultimate goal and looked down on us because we were single and had no Valentine,” they said.

The irony is, those married ladies were mostly miserable in their relationships, having abusive, cheating husbands, but still glorified the fact that they achieved the goal of getting married, even though they were actually in gaol. That’s where we’re going today, ‘Marriage, goal or gaol?’, right after these responses to what I had to say about ‘Sex, before, during, after marriage’.

Teerob,

You hit the nail right on the head, and sometimes I wonder if you hide in my house or have a listening device and know what’s going on. How else could you know that’s what I’ve been going through? You are so right! Sex before marriage was so great, as variety really is the spice of life, and yes, sex at the beginning of marriage was great too, but then comes the same old same old, and the excuses from the wife, and the diminished passion. I never experienced that when I was single.

Victor

Tony,

I am a woman who is proud to say that I got married while a virgin, so I had no sex before marriage. Sex is supposed to be a sacred act between married couples, and the
Bible says that the woman should submit to her husband. Whether she enjoys sex or not is neither here nor there; as long as she pleases her man, that is the objective. As for sex before marriage, all ye fornicators shall burn in hell fire.

Miss Mavis

Oh my word, that last letter made me weak in the knees, gave me the shivers, caused me to buss out in cold sweat. Well, almost, but it certainly summed up why some men see marriage not as a goal but as a gaol. Again, note the difference. They are trapped in a loveless, passionless, sexless prison from which there is no respite, no relief. Which just fits in perfectly with what I’m saying about marriage being a goal or a gaol.

For many women, and I daresay most, marriage is the ultimate goal of their existence. From they were little girls they were conditioned by their parents, their family, friends, relatives and peers that marriage is the brass ring that they must grab as they spin around on the merry go round of life.

Not only that, but they are also pressured with a timeline too — and they had better adhere to it or face ridicule and admonishment.

“Say what, 17 and not yet married? Get thee a husband girl, get thee a husband.”

That was back in the day when young girls were encouraged, advised, coerced, even pushed to get married to a suitable man while still in her teens.

That was to ensure some sort of protection for her, for a woman not married was destined for poverty and deprived of all the trappings that a wife would have, so that was a practical reason for marriage to be her ultimate goal.

“One day of marriage shall be yours, one feast, one house, one mutual happiness.” — Shakespeare,
The Taming of the Shrew.

Has this changed? Maybe a little, although recent statistics have shown that people are getting married less than before. Is this because women are now more independent and don’t rely on men or marriage for security? Or is it that men are shying away from marriage?

“Marriage rates have declined significantly since the 1970s, with a record high of nearly 1 in 4 adults aged 40 likely to never marry. Key factors include delaying marriage for financial stability, personal development or career, along with rising cohabitation, lower religious influence, and a reduced stigma surrounding singlehood,” says the research.

It was Shakespeare who penned in
Much Ado About Nothing, “Thou art sad, get thee a wife, get thee a wife.”

I wonder what he would have written now?

The point is, though, marriage was then and still is, to a certain extent, seen as a goal, especially for women, as pointed out by those ladies who looked down on their single friends on Valentine’s Day because they were married and their colleagues were not.

The fact that the marriages were on the rocks was irrelevant to them as the point is they had achieved their goal and were married. But you know what I always said? “Better to be alone that to be badly accompanied.”

That goal of being married is still very important in the scheme of life for the modern woman, despite the fact that she has accomplished so much — educated, has a great career, has money — something is missing. That missing link is marriage, and if she doesn’t achieve that she’s viewed with a tinge of pity or a torrent of ridicule.

“Imagine eh, with all that she’s achieved she’s still not married. Poor thing, nuh baddy nuh want har.”

Even now I still remember this lady who told me many years ago, “Teerob, even if I got married and it didn’t work out, I wouldn’t mind — I just want to experience marriage.” Well, be careful what you wish for as she did get married and divorced shortly after, much to her regret.

“I am your wife, if you will marry me, if not I’ll die your maid; to be your fellow, you deny me, but I’ll be your servant, whether you will or no.” — Shakespeare,
The Tempest Act 3, 1

But what about marriage as a gaol, again, very similar to goal, but miles apart in meaning. For many people, marriage really is a gaol, for they are trapped in what they describe as the bowels of hell from which there is no respite, no reprieve, no relief. It was Johnny Cash who sang,

‘
Love is a burning thing,

And it makes a fiery ring,

Bound by wild desire,

I fell into a ring of fire,

I fell into a burning ring of fire,

I went down down down and the flames went higher,

And it burns burns burns the ring of fire, the ring of fire’

This applies to both men and women who are suffering at the hands of each other. Did I say hands? Make that hands, feet, fist, elbow, mouth, and flying objects with not a moment of relaxation, no pardon, no parole. Many men feel trapped by the stranglehold that marriage has them in as they yearn for the freedom that they once had, so they end up in rum bars until closing time.

Women too, wish that they were free from the bondage that marriage brings from an abusive man.

“I can’t go anywhere, I can’t do anything. I have no freedom.”

While the men say, “That’s why I stay away from the house so much, for it’s like living in a prison.”

“Hanging and wiving go by destiny,’ — Shakespeare,
The Merchant of Venice.

“But at least after you’re hanged, that’s the end of your misery,” one man replied.

“My marriage is a life sentence with no chance of parole.”

I guess it’s different strokes for different folks. For some, marriage is a goal, while for others it’s a gaol.

More time.

seido1yard@gmail.com

Footnote: Football gears are special, and so much pride is felt by the players and supporters when the teams take to the field. The pride that KC, Calabar, Wolmer’s and other schools feel cannot be measured. Even moreso when the national colours are worn. Jamaica is well known for our national colours in all areas — sport, entertainment, culture — and is recognised and admired the world over. I see where there’s a proposed alteration to the jerseys worn by the Reggae Boyz football team wherein red is added to the black green and gold. I don’t like it. It’s great to honour Bob Marley, as is the intention, and I have no problem with even putting a small picture of Bob on the jerseys, but don’t mess with our colours. Leave our black, green, and gold as our national identity. That’s what we are known for. Even our bobsleigh team was featured in an Italian TV commercial during the Winter Olympics because of our distinctive colours.