LET’S have a real conversation. Not all wounds are visible. Men are not known to be emotional. They often suffer in silence, choosing to act out their trauma rather than address it. Not all trauma in men show up in physically abusive behaviour or obvious dysfunction. Sometimes it shows up quietly, in behaviours that are misunderstood, misread, or even excused.

So there are women who find themselves in relationships with men who are not “bad men”… but wounded men.

And if you don’t recognise the signs, you may end up trying to love someone who has not yet dealt with what is hurting them. Many women end up being bled on by men who they didn’t cut.

Here are some of the things to help you identify a wounded man, so you can decide how to deal with him.

Emotional detachment disguised as strength

Look out for the emotionally detached man. He appears calm, unbothered and in control when he’s far from it. The truth is that he struggles to express emotions, avoids deep conversations, and shuts down when things get uncomfortable.

This is often interpreted as maturity. You say, ‘Oh he doesn’t argue about anything’. But the truth is, he’s avoiding the conversation.

Maturity isn’t avoidance. In many cases, his avoidance is emotional suppression. He has disconnected from his feelings to protect himself from being hurt. A man who has learned to disconnect from his feelings may struggle to connect with yours. That is why he appears so unbothered. Fire is at his tail and he doesn‘t feel the heat.

Inconsistent affection

A wounded man is inconsistent with his affection towards you. Some days he is warm, attentive and present. You feel like you’ve struck gold with him. But other days he’s distant, withdrawn and unavailable, like a complete stranger.

This emotional inconsistency can be confusing. It’s not that he’s a cold fish. This kind of inconsistent affection is often a sign of internal conflict. He wants connection, but fears vulnerability so he moves close… then pulls away because somehow, he’s expecting to be disappointed somewhere along the line. So he’s protecting his heart in anticipation of bad news. He doesn’t pour into you as he should, not because he wants to hurt you, but to protect himself. The sad thing is that sometimes he is protecting himself from a woman who genuinely loves him.

Difficulty trusting, even without reason

Wounded men do not expect people to live up to their word. Trust issues from his past affects his ability to expect anything good from people, so he questions motives. You can give him the world, but he does not and will never trust you because his experiences have taught him that trust leads to pain. He will still struggle to fully relax in the relationship because he is keeping his emotional guard up.

You’ve got to understand that it’s not about you. You are dealing with a man who has unhealed wounds from being betrayed and let down in past relationships. And until he’s healed, the reality is, you are moving a boulder up the mountain.

Overreaction to small issues

A man who has unhealed trauma will turn a simple disagreement into a major conflict. A minor comment from you about something he does not agree with, will trigger a strong emotional response.

Why? Because the reaction is not about the present moment, it is tied to something deeper that he has experienced. Now he feels he has to ‘protect’ himself, so he is defensive even when he knows he is wrong. The truth is that unresolved experiences often amplify simple, current situations.

Avoidance of accountability

A man who has unhealed wounds does not admit when he’s wrong. When confronted, he deflects, justifies and minimises. He’s going to tell you that you are overreacting and it’s your fault why he’s reacting this way. He will gaslight you.

He is not going to take responsibility or be accountable, not always because he is unwilling, but because accountability feels threatening. It will make him feel like something is wrong with him and he does not want to feel that way.

For some men, admitting fault feels like losing control or reopening old wounds that are tied to shame or failure. Most men do not like to feel like they are a failure. So somehow, he has to deflect and put the blame squarely back at your feet.

It’s like a man who is having an affair and when you catch him, he says , “You made me do it. You’re not making my meals on time, you’re not ironing my clothes like you should.“

You’re there scratching your head and thinking “Did I?” But somehow you are missing what’s really happening. You are with a man who lacks accountability, a wounded man who unless he’s healed, will cause you to be constantly questioning yourself and wondering where you went wrong.

If your relationship is going to succeed, that man needs therapy (and sometimes, deliverance!) Remember this, you cannot heal a man who is not willing to acknowledge that he’s wounded. So sit with him and lovingly point out the patterns you’ve noticed. Suggest how you both can work on his healing. Gently nudge him towards therapy because most men feel that they don’t need it.

Showing love, patience, and understanding is important, but you’ve got to get him to do something about his trauma.

Because understanding a man’s pain does not mean you should be OK with him not doing something about it.

Marie Berbick Bailey

Marie Berbick-Bailey is a certified master life coach, women’s transformational coach, ordained minister, author, motivational speaker, wife, mother and big sister dedicated to empowering women to heal, thrive,p and walk in purpose. Connect with her at www.marieberbick.com, www.marieberbickcoach.com, or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.