The art of attraction

SO, suddenly your partner is hiding their phone, putting a password on it, and looking edgy when you’re near it. That’s not by chance. Often, it’s a clear sign that there’s something on that phone that they are hiding. Maybe messages from someone who has been chatting them up or who they have been chatting up.

Attraction is a normal part of being human. Even when you are happily married you may occasionally notice someone who is attractive, intelligent, charismatic or simply seems to understand you in a way that catches your attention. The attraction itself does not make you a bad person or a bad spouse. What you do with that attraction, however, can determine whether it remains harmless or becomes the beginning of serious trouble.

As a women’s coach, I have learned that many relationship problems do not begin with an affair. They begin with a conversation, a secret, an emotional connection, or a decision that seemed innocent at the time.

If you find yourself attracted to someone other than your spouse, or trying to maintain the spark with an ex, here are five things you must do.

1) Be honest with yourself, but do not feed the attraction. Acknowledge what you are feeling without romanticising it. You do not have to pretend that you do not find someone attractive. What you must avoid is deliberately creating opportunities to spend time with that person, constantly checking their social media, or imagining what a relationship with them might be like.

What you repeatedly entertain can eventually become what you pursue.

2) Establish boundaries immediately. Boundaries are not punishment. They are protection.

If you know that being alone with this person, texting late at night, or sharing intimate details about your marriage is creating an emotional attachment, stop. Do not tell yourself, “We are just friends,” while secretly looking forward to every conversation.

A healthy marriage requires wisdom. If you would feel uncomfortable with your spouse seeing the messages, conversations or interactions you are having, that should tell you something.

3) Do not use another person to escape problems in your marriage. Sometimes attraction becomes powerful because something is missing at home. Perhaps you feel neglected, unappreciated, lonely, or emotionally disconnected from your spouse. Those feelings should not be ignored, but another person is not the solution.

MARIE BERBICK-BAILEY.

Have the difficult conversation with your spouse. Seek counselling if necessary. Address the issues that need attention rather than creating a second relationship to compensate for the first.

Remember, a person outside your marriage may appear perfect because you are seeing them without the responsibilities, disagreements, and everyday realities that come with marriage.

4) Protect your heart and your imagination. Follow the advice in Proverbs 4:23, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”

Protecting your heart means being intentional about what you allow to occupy your thoughts. Do not build an imaginary relationship with someone you have no business pursuing. Do not compare your spouse to another person based on the limited version of that person you see. Sometimes we are attracted not to the person themselves, but to how they make us feel. That distinction matters.

5) Remember what you are protecting. Marriage is more than a romantic relationship. It is a covenant, a family, a history and, for many couples, a spiritual commitment before God.

Before making a decision that could damage your marriage, ask yourself: Is this temporary excitement worth the potential consequences? Maturity means understanding that having a desire does not mean you should act on it. It’s a feeling. Feelings come and go.

You can acknowledge attraction without acting on it. You can appreciate someone’s qualities without pursuing them. You can recognise chemistry without allowing it to become intimacy. And if you realise that you are already emotionally involved, do not wait until the situation becomes impossible to control. Step back. Establish boundaries. Seek wise counsel. Deal honestly with what is happening within you and within your marriage.

As I wrote in a previous column, strong relationships are built on character, mutual respect, shared values and commitment. Attraction may knock on the door, but you decide whether you invite it inside.

Wisdom is knowing when to walk away before temptation becomes trouble.

Marie Berbick-Bailey is a certified master life coach, women’s transformational coach, ordained minister, author, motivational speaker, wife, mother and big sister dedicated to empowering women to heal, thrive, and walk in purpose. Connect with her at www.marieberbick.com, www.marieberbickcoach.com or e-mail marieberbick@gmail.com.