Wife disgusted by hubby
DEAR COUNSELLOR,
My husband and I have been married since 2015. We have one child together (an accident, because I tried my hardest to prevent this). We bought a house soon after our marriage and both live there. Much of the cash investment was mine, because he was earning a pittance at the time. Anyway, I want a divorce because I believe that I have outgrown the marriage. My husband disgusts me, and what I once saw as cute and thought I was able to live with, I can’t. Not even the sex can make up for the anger I deal with daily. I picked up a man way below my standard academically, socially, etc, and now I’m so ashamed and annoyed. Simple conversations he gets ignorant, his views are pedestrian, and I can’t carry him around my friends because he doesn’t speak well. He also does cringey things like wear earrings, texturises and bleaches his hair, and gets embarrassing tattoos. With my position in life, I deserve someone on my level, but at the time I met him I was living in an area with people like him, and I saw him as a project to work on. Now I want out, but he’s giving me problems with selling the house, as even though he has no money, he talks about buying me out or keeping the house to frustrate the issue. He also says if I leave, I will regret it. I just want to be free. I know I may come off as snooty, but Jamaican men are so hopeless, and I just want to be by myself.
You feel you’ve made a mistake and feel trapped in an untenable situation. In order to stabilise things when feeling trapped, the first thing is to refocus. Make a plan, and also try to find the silver lining in the situation. Ask yourself, is there some good to gain from this experience? Inevitably there’s something positive to gain from a present negative. For example, you now have a child. You’ve said it’s as a result of “an accident”. However, women all over the world are desperately trying to have children, some with great distress, investing thousands of dollars, praying for partners, getting sperm donors, subjecting themselves to surgeries, etc, all in the hope of attaining what you have. Your child is your privilege!
For reasons like yours, I insist on extensive premarital counselling. “It is not good that man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Yes, there’s a social and emotional need for people to have companionship. So get help and give care when finding the right life partner. Take the necessary time to understand each other well before tying the knot. This reminds me: If you’re an educated, smart, Christian guy, 39-49, looking for love and marriage, I have requests from amazing, professional Christian women seeking someone to build a life with. Contact me at chrisbrodber@yahoo.com or www.counsellorscouch.com. I’m still matchmaking.
My advice to you:
Change your perspective: Don’t just see the situation as a failure but as an opportunity you’ve had, and still have. Again, many women are seeking the very same opportunity for love and family. Be grateful you’ve got a shot at it.
Don’t be disrespectful: To have any form of future cooperation and kindness from your husband, stop being disrespectful. You saying he “disgusts” you, is “below your standards”, “views are pedestrian”, you “can’t carry him”, and he was “a project to work on”, makes me question you more than him. You can’t be lofty and expect harmony and happiness.
Get counselling: Find a counsellor to sit with individually. It’s apparent there are things you’ll need to deal with. Next, schedule a joint session with your husband. You may also need mediation if the marriage is to dissolve.
I pray that you both find peace and happiness, whether together or apart.
Get on The Counsellor’s Couch with Rev Christopher Brodber, who is a counsellor and minister of religion. E-mail questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com.
