Shopping with your toddler? Think twice

My husband and I had a brilliant idea two weeks ago. We were making plans for a weekend shopping trip to Miami – two days, minimal sleep, hit as many stores as you can before you have to cram your bargains into the suitcase and race to the airport – you know what I mean. We looked at our little angel as he slept, three years old and cute as a bug in a rug, and decided to take him with us. We were momentarily insane: why else would we have thought that this trip would bring us closer together, and prove to the world that we are capable parents, not the feeble kind that have to leave the child with Grandma every five minutes?

Here, not listed in order of preference, are the highlights of our family shopping excursion:

1. Three-year-old boy proclaims loudly in the middle of department store: “I am wet. Change me now, Daddy.” Not-quite-potty-trained toddler waddles like a particularly ungainly duck, and then begins removing offending undergarments while both parents fight him for control of his pants.

2. Same three-year-old, different store. Late evening, so parents are nearly exhausted, but Sweet Pea had a nap. As soon as Daddy closes the door to the fitting room, Little Waddlepants starts a terrific game of “Mommy’s too fat and tired to catch me.” The high point of the game? Mommy holding all the bags, defeated; Junior laughing at her from BENEATH a display case; sympathetic floor clerk remembering her bad second cousin; and nice man behind register saying “Miss, don’t you want your change?”

3. Fifteen minutes later, outside same store. Daddy now has the bags, and Mommy has removed rambunctious young one from scene of crime. Now time for the bawling. Some comfortable seats are miraculously just outside, and some big boy treatment (“This is your seat”) along with a liberal dose of cuddling has started working its magic. The moment he quiets down, a very pregnant woman smiles at the beautiful scene. And sits in his seat.

I was embarrassed when my small, but loud child forced the nice pregnant lady to change seats, but the nuclear meltdown really wasn’t his fault. Considering the time constraints, it was definitely a bad idea to take him with us to start with. If you have 40 tasks and two hours, this is the time to take advantage of Grandma; call in a favour if you have to. You can’t force toddlers to fit into your tight schedule; they just don’t bend that way.

When you simply can’t find a sitter, you may have to sacrifice efficiency for a peaceful life. I hear that there are quiet, obedient two to five-year-olds out there; count your blessings, lucky mommies. The more desperately I need my son to comply, the more determined he becomes to defy. Vicki Iovine (The Girlfriends’ Guide to Toddlers) recommends evenly dividing your day into “Toddler Stops” and “Mommy Stops”: after spending an hour in line with you at JPS, it will be his turn to go to McDonalds. Don’t think of it as bribery; it’s an opportunity to teach your child about taking turns. Giving your toddler some control over his day will also satisfy his need to feel ‘grown-up’, making him far less likely to throw an embarrassing tantrum. Even if you don’t manage to complete everything on your list, you will have eliminated some chores without the usual anguish.

Instead of focusing on the all-powerful to-do list, use this time to expand the complex and beautiful relationship you have with your child. This is your chance to teach him that you are a fair person who keeps your promises, something that will prove invaluable in the future. It is also an opportunity for your son or daughter to see Mommy at her best, happy to be who she is, where she happens to be. Seeing us happy makes them happy.

The stress of sustaining family relationships in a world that really doesn’t appreciate the importance of the time we spend with our children, can make us forget the simple pleasure of watching a small child enjoy eating ice cream, as the cold, delicious treat leaks out the bottom of the dissolving cone. Instead, we watch in rapidly mounting frustration, thinking about wasted money and time until we can’t take it anymore, grab the cone and clean it up – in one fell swoop, wrecking both your diet and your child’s mood (“I’ll do it myself!” I’ll do it myself!”). Let him do it himself. Watch him make a mess, then change his shirt. We always have an extra suit of clothes, anyway.

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