When your child is ‘stressed out’
Dear Dr. Royes:
My husband and I are very worried about our youngest daughter. She is a bright girl and we saved up to send her to college after she left high school. She has been in town for almost two years now, but all of a sudden she has stopped going to classes and stays in her room where she is boarding. She says that the doctor says she is “stressed out”. I don’t know what she has to stress her out because all she has to do is go to school! Should we bring her back home or just leave her there?
Dear Mother:
Most people don’t appreciate how stressful student life is. First, the student has to study, pass exams, and move on to the next class. Second, students are surrounded by their peers, all competing for attention and pressuring each other about everything from clothes to popularity. Then there are the romantic attachments, which may end painfully. Add to that, the pressure of family demands that the student not waste money, succeed, and come home with the diploma to make them proud.
Students, young as they are, can be some of the most unhappy people. Sometimes, after the initial excitement of beginning school, there can be a period of terrible loneliness or homesickness. There can also be crises, like rape or pregnancy that can occur to a young person, crises that they may hide from their families. They can also discover that they don’t like the subject they are studying, and worry about wasting their time and your money.
Struggling with big or little woes, students can get very depressed, and there is an increasing trend for students to contemplate suicide, especially if they feel that they have nowhere to turn. Your daughter is probably telling you the truth about her stress level, but it sounds as if you need to give her some time and attention to help her through it.
I would suggest that you go to see your daughter and spend time with her. If you can’t do that, bring her home for an unpressured visit. Don’t push her into telling you what’s wrong. Young people often want to keep their lives private from their parents, so don’t expect her to immediately confide in you. At the beginning of your visit, allow her to get accustomed to you again. Exchange news about home and family; keep the conversation light. Reassure her that you love her very much.
Resist the temptation to start lecturing your daughter about what you think she should do. You want her to get to the point of confiding in you about the REAL REASON why she has stopped attending classes, so making her defensive will only result in her clamming up. If she resists telling you anything, you can let her know gently that you and her father are concerned about her behaviour.
Your daughter may or may not want to confide in you, but please don’t take her stress lightly. She will need adult help in getting through this. If you are not completely satisfied that she can handle it with a little time off, you may need to seek professional help for her. Is there a school counsellor who can help? What does her doctor say about her condition?
There are other questions that you need to ask. Have you and her father been placing too much pressure on her to succeed? Is she living in a location where she can receive positive support and social interaction? Has she been in a relationship that has disappointed her? Some good detective work can forestall a crisis down the road.
Please don’t give up easily on this until you are satisfied that you have found the answer to the problem. When a student stops going to class, something is definitely wrong.
