Emotional infidelity
Lawton, a 40-year-old architect, has been married to Trina for eight years. The sex was initially good and plentiful, but now at night when he wishes she would roll over into his arms, she’s often engrossed in her favourite novel. They have a tacit agreement that if he doesn’t bring “anything home” or do his extracurricular catting too close to home, he can enjoy a little treat here and there.
Lawton, has had a platonic, yet deeply emotional, connection to Freda for 12 years. He calls the link between them ‘mind sex’. Freda is beautiful, several years older and sparklingly cosmopolitan. She’s helped Lawton to blossom in ways he might not have without her influence. Still, they’ve always been mindful of the boundaries between them, like the fact that Freda was married when they met. Yet it hasn’t stopped them from becoming closer than Lawton and his wife have ever been.
Is he cheating? Monogamy, for most people, is all or nothing. The assumption is that both people will put their whole selves in, says Atlanta psychotherapist and writer, Dr Eleta Greene. Yet the parameters of monogamy can be blurry: One mate may see holding on to opposite-sex friends or making new ones as a violation, while the other blows it off as no big deal.
It’s hard to get solid stats on sexual infidelity. Those in the know put the number at about 25 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women – though even people who tell the truth on their taxes are prone to lie about having an affair. But the impact of an emotional affair can be just as devastating as a physical one.
Sex, control and power
Research suggests that women do more em otional cheating than men, while men are more likely to cheat physically. For many women, keeping sex out of an affair can give a sense of control, as if they haven’t completely lost their heads. That’s especially true if the man wants the sex and the woman refuses it – the classic man-woman debate. “Women are kind of socialized to that,” says psychologist Greene. “Look at the way we talk about sex: `I’ll give him some.’ `I’ll let him have some.’ It’s a power thing. The ability to withhold is a sign of power.”
Healing a divided soul
Of course, there are times when a close friendship between a man and a woman is entirely innocent, but a partner’s jealousy or insecurity can make it feel guilty or illicit.
Becoming conscious of what we need in a mate is key, says Greene. William July agrees. “If you feel an emotional affair brewing,” he advises, “treat it with the seriousness that you would a physical affair, because that’s where it’s heading.” He suggests you cut the contact, or limit it, if you must interact. Second, he says, identify what it is you’re seeking and why you’re seeking it with other people. Then address this unmet need with your mate.
