Boyfriend afraid of commitment
Dear Dr. Royes:
I don’t think my boyfriend will ever get to the altar. We have been going out for a few years now but according to him, he’s still getting over his ex-wife. He says he cannot commit and doesn’t know if he ever will. Every time he says it, I feel like a dagger is going through me. I love him, but it hurts so much. Should I just move on?
Dear Hurting Heart:
This is the typical scenario of woman chasing and man running away. It doesn’t matter if the man has been married or not; it’s all about inability to commit to a long-term relationship. Occasionally it happens in reverse, with the woman running and the man running after her. In any case, there’s one person with one set of beliefs and goals and another with a differing set.
You need to decide if you can live in never-never land, possibly forever, or not. Your boyfriend is probably quite happy with the relationship as is, so the major decision now is yours. Can you live without him, possibly alone? If you hurt just thinking about being alone, then you need to ask yourself if you are with your boyfriend because he’s company, or because you love him.
If, on the other hand, you decide that you can live quite happily alone, then it may be time to have a little chat. Let him know, calmly, that you accept his lack of ability to marry you, and that you think it’s about time for you both to put a little space between you. This will probably not sit well with him, but hold your ground (cry alone beforehand; don’t cry now) and stay firm.
If you decide to go with this option, you don’t have to cut off from him completely — at first, anyway. Perhaps you can cut down on the amount of time you spend together, and begin to find other things you can do with that time. Reconnect with some of the girlfriends you hardly see; try going to a movie on your own; visit an old aunt in a nursing home. It’s important to spend time alone again, too, pampering yourself, reading, meditating, exercising, whatever. You’re going to need time to grieve and get used to the new routine.
There is, of course, the option of accepting his decision and just going along as you are now. A couple of comments about this. Nothing is going to change that way. Maybe your attitude will, and you’ll be able to accept that you will always be a non-committed couple. Will you really be happy with that? Be very, very honest about this. You don’t want to drag on in a relationship holding resentful and hostile feelings. It puts a lot of stress on you emotionally and physically.
My suggestion is that you start moving on, girl. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic, bitter end to the relationship. You can start tapering off, and in good time it may become a good friendship. He may even realise that he loves you and not his ex-wife, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.
