When herpes knocked on my door

She was 26 years old when she met him. He was charming, very attractive and worked at a bank. Five months out of a six-year relationship, Stacy was not sure that she wanted to start another relationship.

But he was persistent.

And gradually she gave in.

“Our personalities did not really click but the physical attraction was strong. Initially I told him I was not interested because of the personality differences but gradually we became sexually involved,” she told all woman on the condition that her full name not be used.

It was after they had had sex for the first time that he delivered some devastating news.

“He said that he had herpes. I was so mad at him even though we had used a condom. He had unwittingly exposed me because I could still have caught it from him depending on whether it was flaring up and where I had touched on his body,” she said.

Herpes is a viral disease that causes painful blisters on the skin.

Genital herpes is an infection caused by the herpes simplex virus or HSV. There are two types of HSV, and both can cause genital herpes. HSV type 1 most commonly infects the lips, causing sores known as fever blisters or cold sores, but it also can infect the genital area and produce sores. HSV type 2 is the usual cause of genital herpes, but it also can infect the mouth. A person who has genital herpes infection can easily pass or transmit the virus to an uninfected person during sex.

“If he had a flare-up and I had touched his groin or it had touched my genitals then I could have caught it, despite the fact that we had used a condom. So I was mad about that but I ended up not dropping him,” Stacy said. “I did not drop him because he was very persuasive and also because of my conscience. I put myself in his shoes and thought how would I want someone to treat me if I had an incurable STD.”

Just like many women, Stacy said that she went along with the relationship despite her better judgement because she had already seen that they were not compatible.

“I don’t know why. I just went with the flow even though it did not seem to be such a good idea,” she said.

According to her, while she was furious at how he had handled the situation she rationalised his behaviour and moved on with the relationship.

“Before continuing the relationship, though, I went to my doctor to discuss it. He advised me that once he (my boyfriend) was not having an outbreak then we were safe. Once he had an outbreak, however, we had to either abstain or use a condom,” she said.

The relationship continued but the longer they spent together the more she realised how incompatible they were. After living together for a year, the couple broke up.

e broke up in mid-2001. We agreed that our personalities were too different. I also suspected that he was cheating on me with a teenager. I did not have any proof but based on some things that happened I thought so,” she said. “I was also upset at the fact that about three weeks after I moved out there was someone else at the house with him.”

Now more mature at 30, she says that looking back she would have done things differently.

“I don’t regret it in that it was a real wake-up call and I learned many valuable lessons from the experience. I was at a stage where I did not know what it was to love myself. I was giving more than I was receiving. I did not have self-worth or self-confidence,” said the petite and highly attractive Stacy.

“If he had really loved and respected me he would have told me straight up that ‘this was the problem, these are the risks – can you handle it?’ Also if I had respected myself I would have been able to make a solid decision and not sacrifice my health to spare his feelings,” she said.

She stressed that she was aware that he would have been struggling with the risk of rejection.

“He said that he was afraid that if he told someone and they said no and then went out and told everyone. But maybe that was just a line he told me,” she said.

After the break-up she did a lot of soul-searching – reading self-help books and trying to build inner strength.

“It was not the STD that ended it but the lack of compatibility. It was very painful for me. I felt very hurt that I had made a sacrifice for him and he took it for granted. But it made me do a lot of inner searching. I moved on with my life and learned to love myself and not get involved in relationships that are not positive,” she said. “I could not afford therapy but I bought self-help books which taught me about me. I have not been seriously involved since, because I have not met anyone with whom I am compatible.

“I don’t get involved out of loneliness anymore. I want a relationship with a purpose and I am not going to settle for less,” said Stacy, who is the first of six children. She grew up seeing her mother constantly abused by her father and later two stepfathers.

Her advice to women who may have been in a situation similar to hers is to make an informed decision.

“It has to do with self-love and self-worth – if not you can’t make an informed decision. If you know about the disease, remember that if you choose not to go with it, it’s not about being selfish but being true to yourself,” she said. “Sit down and examine the situation. Look at the health risk involved, weigh how the person delivers the news to you and also if it is worth the risk. Is the person really worth the risk?”

Her experience however has not shaken the romantic in her and she expressed strong views about the strength of love.

“If you truly love someone and you are loved in return then you will be willing to make sacrifices like that (living with an incurable STD). You will do that for someone you love,” she said.