ASK R B
Dear RB
I see a problematic situation brewing… Is it unreasonable for me to demand that my man (whose wife died 4 years ago) spend Christmas with me? I overheard him making plans to spend the holiday with his ex-wife’s family, he says because its just tradition and he’s been doing it so long he doesn’t know anything else. His kids are all grown and away, so I don’t see why he needs to be there. I certainly wont be showing up there with him either, for her family to size me up and criticise. He’s offered to split the day, but SHE’S DEAD. I don’t think I should have to share my man with a dead woman. We’ve been seeing each other for about 10 months, and he practically lives with me. I want to have a quiet private Christmas together…
But Missy, I agree with you.
Expecting your man to spend the holidays with you is quite reasonable. But it is equally clear that what you want and what he wants are not the same. There is something going on here. This man had been a widower for four years, and is living with you (practically living with you?!!!). I would suggest that you find out what is driving his desire to spend the holidays with his wife’s family. There has to be a reason. Have you talked to him about it? Has he been doing this for the last few years? Is it that he’s unwilling to make a real decision to be with you, after all he only practically lives with you. Or is it that he needs a housekeeper and you perform these services to his satisfaction, so he practically lives with you to facilitate this transaction. Find out before you become more involved with this man. Also, if you want this man, I caution you to resist making a big stink about this holiday thing until you know more about it, as this could be his excuse to leave.
Dear RB:
The night I broke up with my boyfriend I went over to a good girlfriend’s house because I was distraught. I was crying and she started to comfort me when one thing led to another, and we ended up having sex. Does this mean that I’m a lesbian?
Missy, I have two questions, one: As you say she is your good girlfriend, did you know that she was gay? And two: Since you know that she is gay, what were you doing in her bed? You see where I am going with this? I am not saying that you are gay, but I am saying that you need to think about who you are. It cannot be your girlfriend’s advances that determine your sexuality. You must take responsibility for your actions, after all you were both there, and one thing did lead to another. Your knowledge about your sexuality is inside you. If you turn out to be a gay woman, then you must accept the challenges of making that choice. Sexuality is a continuum. Many of us find ourselves in places which fall out of the norm, and that is ok. But please make that decision by yourself, DON’T make it your girlfriend’s choice.
Need no-frills advice about relationships, sex or just about anything else? Send questions to RB Samuels c/o All Woman, 42 Beechwood Ave, Kgn 5; via email to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com; fax to 968-2025, or call 511-2502 to leave a 30-second voicemail message. We regret we cannot supply personal responses.
