Hairy legs are not on, ladies

Javier is a 20-something-year-old bachelor, an expert in the nature of the modern man. He is adamant about not settling for the many varieties of Miss Wrong out there and, week by week, will clue you our readers in on what men really want – and what really goes on in those heads of theirs. Here’s a peek into the mind of a single guy.

The other day I was going about my business as usual

in Half Way Tree when my eyes caught sight of this young thing who approached me from behind. Immediately, I’m thinking, cute face, nice boobs, nice waist, NICE butt – then I got to her legs and saw so much hair, I had to wonder if I was looking at my front lawn.

Later that week, I saw about three other girls with the same condition. I’m wondering, since when did hairy legs become the new black? It’s NOT sexy. In fact, it ranks down there with body odour. And you should believe me, no matter what those women’s lib groups tell you. I can guarantee you that the fire will go out faster than an ice cube in Hell, when a guy starts stroking his woman and happens upon a forest where silky legs should be. Non-negotiable.

I might be sounding like I have something against hair when I say this, but I don’t: I like hair on heads, where it should be. But women with hair on their face – and I don’t mean the eyebrows – can’t be attractive. In the same way, women with hair on their chests just can’t be appealing. How can you tell who wears the pants in the relationship, when both of you look like you should be rearing sheep? Big turnoff.

And the list goes on.

There is no nice way to say this. Women with layers of fat under their layers of fat, who pour themselves into the skimpiest of outfits, are just not sexy. Darn, it might even be a little unhealthy. Think of your blood circulation. Dressed like that women are just, just… I don’t know what to call it, but it’s not sexy.

On to the bleachers. Why do women bleach their skin? (Why do men bleach their skin?) And then, if you’re going to bleach, why bleach your face and leave the rest of your body the same old way? Do you seriously expect that people aren’t going to notice that your melanin is all helter-skelter? A friend of mine doesn’t hesitate to make the sign of the cross when he sees women who look like that.

But of all the traits that are unsexy in women, I have to say that the biggest turnoff is women who take themselves too seriously. If only I had $100 for every time I heard, “I would have a boyfriend but I am not going to compromise my (very high) standards for any man”, I’d be a very rich man. This reminds me of a story I was told about a poor unfortunate fellow who, just to be an a-hole, said, “Pssst, baby mi have whe yuh need y’know” to a woman walking by.

What developed next was him being lectured for five minutes on the need for men everywhere to develop the skills to create and maintain relationships with women through deep and meaningful conversation. Throughout the lecture the poor guy was just watching her lips move, probably thinking “har body nuh look so bad”, while she yapped at him. Ladies, please understand, Joke = Funny = Laugh. Not every semi-compliment is an invitation for a serious answer, or any answer for that matter.

Ask our male expert, Javier

My boyfriend always looks at other women when we go out. Does this mean he will cheat on me?

The answer to this question is a definite maybe. Men can’t help looking at other women – it’s just what we do. The thing you need to note, however, is how long he looks at these women while he’s out with you. It’s a reflex action to look at a pretty girl, but if he’s staring her down like a hungry animal looking at food, or if he’s making short glances at her every couple of seconds, then you’re right to be concerned.

Just the same, him looking at women can’t be the only thing you use to judge whether or not he’s cheating on you. Has he stopped doing any of those ‘lovey-dovey’ things he normally does? Has he started getting busy when he would normally take you out?

It also sounds like you’re a little insecure about your own appearance. Take the typical hot girl. She’s never worried about her man looking at other women because she knows he’s got a 10 on his arm. That insecurity is something you’ll need to work on, because it could lead to paranoia and jealousy, which translate to two things your man will find annoying about you.

Then he might leave you for real and you’ll have yourself a self-fulfilling prophecy. That will in turn ruin you for the next guy you start dating, whom you won’t trust. And he will probably leave you for the same reasons. Get my drift? But that’s another story for another time. Take it from me, a little glance at a pretty girl every now and then – you can get over it.Your problems are never too huge, too weird or too small for Javier. Want to know what your guy is really thinking? Email your questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com, or write to allwoman c/o The Jamaica Observer, 40-421/2 Beechwood Avenue, Kingston 5 or fax 968-2025.