The cure for Mr Nice Guy-itis

Javier is a 20-something-year-old bachelor, an expert in the nature of the modern man. He is adamant about not settling for the many varieties of Miss Wrong out there and, week by week, will clue you our readers in on what men really want – and what really goes on in those heads of theirs. Here’s a peek into the mind of a single guy.

As far as relationships go, I’ve come to believe that there are two fundamental things that every man must experience after he begins dating in order to survive a relationship with a woman. The first of these is that every man should put his foot down early and tell her in no uncertain terms how things are going to be. I’m not joking.

Now why in the world would I advocate that men go out and start what is sure to be a problem with God’s most beautiful, delicate, elegant and sophisticated creatures, you may be wondering? No I’m not a misogynist, or a chauvinist or any other ‘-ist’. I love women and wholeheartedly agree that women are the best, in the right context.

Why then put a woman who you’d maybe date in her place early? Because it is one of the few effective cures in existence for ‘Mr Nice Guy-itis’.

When a lot of men start getting into the dating scene they tend to put women on pedestals. Some of these pedestals even get so high that they end up pushing these same women out of their own leagues. (A quick note on that whole ‘a woman being out of your league’ idea. It’s rubbish. Any man can get any woman. Full stop). And how high the pedestal goes is directly linked to how attractive the woman is.

Putting women on pedestals has the effect of opening up a door to a world of abuse, and the worst part is you’ll take the abuse ’cause you don’t want to be seen as a bad guy. That in a nutshell is the life of Mr Nice Guy. I know because I used to be one. The abuse part comes when you’ll find yourself constantly and unnecessarily going out of your way to do stuff for women, even to your own detriment sometimes, just because some arbitrary hot or semi-hot girl asked you to. And all that for little more than ‘Thank you, Mr Nice Guy, you’re such a great guy’ and a hug.

Make no mistake, I’m not advocating that women be wantonly issued the warning papers on sight, what I am saying is that if for whatever reason a woman does something to make you feel insulted, and her hotness quotient would qualify her to be your girlfriend (and that part is real important), put aside the Mr Nice Guy routine and tell her what’s really circling in your mind. Now I expect you gentlemen to use tact, and to pick your battles with the women, otherwise you’ll just be asking for an all-girl whooping. And since the idea is just to help make a speedy transition from Mr Nice Guy to Mr Right after joining the dating scene, do not, and I repeat, do not do this unless you absolutely have no other alternative. Remember, tact.

Anyway, after you’ve managed to tell one of those hot girls off, I guarantee that you’ll start to see all women differently. They won’t be so above reproach to you anymore, no matter how hot they are. They’ll be just like you, and you’ll see and treat them like you would yourself, not better than yourself.

Pedestals will be nothing more than a distant memory. Not to mention you’ll feel like a million bucks for a little while just for being in possession of this information. This, my friends, is the first step to putting yourselves on the road to getting your girl.

Sounds easy right? Wrong. Your Mr Nice Guy gene will be fighting you all the way. I wait to see just how many men are daring enough to accomplish this feat.

Now the second thing all men must experience isn’t as much fun as the first one sounds. You have to get dumped by a woman. I don’t mean, she found out you were cheating on her with her best friend’s cousin’s, babysitter so she dumped you. I mean she just ups and ends the relationship when things didn’t seem to be headed in that direction.

Getting dumped forces you to look yourself squarely in the eye and say, ‘Maybe, its me. Maybe, I need to change a little’. That in turn forces you to spend some time with yourself and look at your flaws. At the end of it all, you’ll come out being much more attentive to what your woman wants, and the ways you can give her those things.

Gentlemen, good luck with the first thing. Sucks to be you for the second thing but you’ll get over it, and although use of tact should prevent this, I hope doing the first thing doesn’t lead to the second thing.

A question for JavierMy boyfriend, who I plan to marry, scratches himself and has no table manners in public. The last humiliation was when we were at dinner in a nice restaurant and he took up the chicken with his hands and sucked away. I know I shouldn’t try to change my man, but his habits are disgusting. How can I change this?

So let’s get this straight, your boyfriend, who we’ve established has no table manners or manners for that matter, took you to a nice restaurant and began sucking on a chicken bone somewhere around the main course, and you’re surprised? Hmm. I’m not, and I’m sure the readers aren’t either. And just in case you didn’t know, frogs don’t really turn into princes after you kiss them either.

At any rate, it sounds like he’s got an acute case of ‘I’m too comfortable around my girl syndrome’. It seems like he’s completely secure in the fact that you (I can’t believe I’m using this Lifetime line) appreciate him for who he is. With that in mind, who cares what anybody else thinks about him?

The real issue is however, how he got to this point and you’re a little to blame for that. Actually you’re a lot to blame. You don’t want to try to change him and that’s cool, but relationships are about compromise. Both of you have to work out how you deal with the other’s little habits and behaviours. You have to talk it out and work it out as you go along in your relationship.

That said, how is he supposed to know that you don’t like his manners if you don’t tell him? He’s a man, not a mind reader. I’m sure he didn’t just get bad manners after you got together, so you should’ve said something about it the moment it came up. After all, the bad manners were part of the man you planned to have a relationship with.

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like you have that big of a problem since you plan to marry him (though it would be interesting to hear what he has to say on that topic). I’d venture to say that he’s so cool with you for appreciating him, no-manners and all, that if you asked him nicely, and I repeat nicely, he’d be willing to work on his behaviour.

Just the same, remember that a man won’t change unless he wants to, so it might help you a little to very sexily make him feel that it would be in his best interest to change his behaviour.

Your problems are never too huge, too weird or too small for Javier.

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