A fool in love

Dear RB,

I am a divorcee. While I was separated from my husband for almost a year, I met this man who was also just coming out of a long-term relationship. We became friends because he was a mentor and counsellor. After some time I realised that I was falling in love with him. We started a relationship and it went well for about two years. He also introduced me to his teenage daughter and we formed a bond.

We had been together for almost three years when he told me that he is not going to marry a divorcée because of his religious beliefs. I was broken-hearted. Anyway, that did not stop him from continuing the relationship. Sometime in June he started acting differently.

For example, he used to take me to work in the mornings and then one morning he called to tell me that he could not pick me up. We used to have breakfast or lunch together and that too has stopped. We used to call each other almost three or four times per day.

Now if I call he is usually too busy to talk. I questioned him about this and he told me that we can be friends but we cannot have a sexual relationship anymore. He has even told me that he has been friends with lots of divorced and married women and could have picked any of them to marry, but he didn’t.

I would do anything for this man and he knows it. I am a professional woman, in a good job, with my own home, so I do not need a man for financial purposes. Sometimes when I call him he handles me like a dog, swears at me and sometimes hangs up his phone, yet I am still holding on. I tell myself that I am going to move on with my life as I know I should, but his daughter hangs on to me and I do not want to hurt her. A male friend told me recently that maybe the gentleman realised that the relationship was getting too serious and he is not yet ready for a commitment. In all of this, I am wondering where I went wrong.

-Such A Fool

Dear Such A Fool,

Please do not be too hard on yourself. It is not so much that you did anything wrong, it is that all of us make fools of ourselves from time to time. Someone sent me an e-mail message with some friendly advice which reminded me that as we grow up, we learn that even the one person who wasn’t supposed to ever let us down probably will; that we will have our hearts broken probably more than once and that it’s harder every time; that we will break hearts too; and we will blame a new love for things an old one did.

You are broken-hearted and it gets harder each time. But you must find a way to let go of this man and his daughter. You know how, because you did it before. And please do not even think that you are hanging on to this man because of your relationship with his daughter. You and I know this is a lie.

This man has decided for his own reasons that you are not the next one. He has followed up his statement with actions which say clearly that he does not want you and that are intended to communicate his indifference and disrespect. Your options are at an end. You must let go of this man, because the longer it takes for you to do this, the longer he will abuse you and treat you badly and the more his abuse will erode your self-esteem. And you know how that can affect you. You must also let him go, because you don’t want to communicate to his daughter that putting up with this type of abuse is normal.

Promise yourself that you will not expose yourself to this abusive relationship anymore. Each time you think that you must call him, remember that awful feeling in your stomach when he treated you like a dog on the phone. It will make it easier and easier not to call him.

And be glad that he does not want to have sex with you, because having sex with a man who treats you this badly leaves you with a pain in your chest that is unbearable, and to add insult to injury you’ll feel unclean. Please give this your best shot. You can do this and maybe in the process find some peace. Good luck.

Baby daddy drama

Dear RB,

I am in a jam with my baby’s daddy. We have been together for three years now. The first year he was in a relationship with someone else but he broke that off to be with me.

But he went back to her in the last year of our relationship. Now we are no longer together and he says he is no longer with her and wants me to forgive him so that we can start over. I love him and I want us and our daughter to be a family. But I am scared that history will repeat itself.

– Scared

Dear Scared,

I don’t know if I can really give you any good advice as I do not know very much about these relationships you talk about. But let me tell you what I have learned about starting over. Love is not enough. There’s a price to pay if you want to make things better, and a price to pay for just leaving things as they are.

Starting over is about paying both costs.

You were involved with this man initially while he was with someone else. You had a child, and he moved in. Then he wanted to be with her again and he moved out. Now he wants to move back in with you. He thinks that you are cool with this. He is likely to be unaware of your deep feelings for him or that you want to be a family. If this is the case you have to tell him what you want and find out if he is interested.

He cannot read your mind, and as we live in a society where this is quite normal, he has no reason to think otherwise. My sense is that you both have to sit down and have a talk about what you both want and don’t want. What you have now is a golden opportunity to try to get the relationship you want this second time around. And frankly, since he has left you already, you have nothing to lose.

If he is unwilling to discuss your relationship or consider a new commitment, then you know that you should be scared to let him into your life a second time. Good luck.

She’s jealous

Dear RB,

My girlfriend doesn’t want me to do anything alone or talk to anyone else because of her jealousy. She said that if we’re going to be together, I have to lose all my female friends and stop hanging out so much with my male friends. I like her a lot, but isn’t this asking a bit too much? How can I let her know that she can trust me, but that I need my space?

-The New Boyfriend

Dear New Boyfriend,

I believe that you know the answer. Her request is impossible and you cannot fix her problem. And there is very little you can do to convince her. This young woman’s behaviour has nothing to do with you but with her ex. She was hurt badly and now believes that if she can limit her boyfriend’s contact with human beings, she will be protected from another broken heart. You and I know that this does not work, and I am pretty sure that she knows this as well.

This woman needs counselling/time to get over her past pain. If she is that important to you, try to get her to seek professional advice. She is in pain, and is not handling it well. She does not trust you or anyone else for that matter, and there is little you can do to change her mind. Even if she finds that you are faithful, she is likely to find some other reason to be angry with you.

So if you are not really interested in this woman, find a new interest. If you are, try to get her to seek help. If nothing changes, plan for constant arguments about your woman and man friends.

Need no-frills advice about relationships, sex or just about anything else? Send questions to RB Samuels c/o all woman, 42 Beechwood Ave. Kgn 5; via email to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com or fax 968-2025.

The pick-up

Javier is a 20-something-year-old bachelor, an expert in the nature of the modern man. Week by week, he will clue you in on what men really want – and what really goes on in those heads of theirs.

So you’re out on the town, looking fresh, feeling confident, no doubt whatsoever that you’re coming in with a new phone number from a prospective lady in your life (I would have said numbers but we’re taking baby steps here). You see one, you make eye contact, you go over there and introduce yourself with one of those patented one-liners you keep on the tip of your tongue.

You must now secure some means of initiating future contact with her. Basically get her personal phone number, whether home or cell phone. Accept nothing else.

That number puts you in direct contact with her, and so how she gives you her personal number (assuming you get it of course) lets you know just how interested she is in you, or at lest how much work you’re going to have to do to get her more interested.

If she all but blurts it out, then obviously you’re in. If she gives it tentatively, then you have some ground to cover, but you’re still in. If she tells you anything that basically boils down to you not getting her number or any other positive means to contact her directly (e-mail is out by the way) then move on.

Going for her cell number or her home number is also important because it sends a clear, unequivocal message that you’re not there to be another name on her Internet buddy list. A lot of guys go in with no game plan, start talking, get intimidated and let the conversation spiral out of control. This often leads to prolonged babbling and gibberish, which are both surefire ways to drive down her interest.

The proper procedure is to make a few minutes of small talk in which she must laugh once every two minutes (so you might want to practice that joke you heard on Spongebob Squarepants last week) then ask directly for the number. Its that simple.

This should be common knowledge but just in case it isn’t, whether you do or don’t get her number, you have to disappear right afterwards. If she doesn’t give you her number then confidently tell her to have a nice day/evening whatever, and excuse yourself. Then you make sure you’re seen talking to other women, and no you don’t do that to flaunt yourself to the woman who rejected you. It’s for the dozens of other women who may have seen you get rejected.

If you did get the number I don’t want you talking any further, and making her think twice about giving you her number. She’s supposed to do that when you’re gone. I want her thinking you’re mysterious so you disappear, and make sure you’re seen talking to other women. And no, this won’t make you seem like a player, at least not unless you are seen writing down another woman’s number. Instead it will make her wonder why so many hot women are talking to you, which can only make her get more interested. That’s why the confidence to talk to women is key.

Some guys will tell you to wait a week before you call a lady after getting her number. Some guys will tell you that waiting has no benefits and you should call right away. Me, I say wait between two and a half to four days then call. Forget that whole looking desperate debate ’cause waiting isn’t about that, it’s about getting your mind right. You take the time to come off that high you got from getting the number, and to train yourself to think long term.

A typical guy would call the very night he gets a hot girl’s number, but we don’t want her thinking you’re a typical guy. You’re mysterious, and that’s why you wait. You want her thinking why isn’t he acting like a typical guy and calling me already? Hence creating some anticipation for when you do call. That will make her more receptive for when you do call.

A wise man once said, “Always leave them wanting more”, and when you make that first phonecall, that’s exactly what you’re to do.

You’re going to call her and tell her that you’ve been thinking about her beautiful eyes and since you talked last you’d like to look at them again, and make a date. By make a date I mean tell her a specific time and place, not asking “So you wanna go out sometime?”

The latter statement is what a nice guy would say but you’re not a Mr Nice Guy type, you’re mysterious. Tell her where and when and disappear like the vapours. Let her keep wondering about you till you meet up.

What follows next is the first date but that’s for another time. Anyway now you know what to do, so get to it already.

A question for Javier

My boyfriend never remembers my birthday or our anniversary. I don’t think he even knows what day I was born. This upsets me, but he says he has a bad memory. Yet he never seems to forget the exact time and date when there’s a game on. How can I make him see that anniversaries are important too?

Bad memory my asthmatic grandmother. If your boyfriend can remember his own birthday then he has no excuse for not remembering your birthday, and quite frankly, the practical fact is that if he wanted to remember your birthday, he would. He would write it down, he’d mark it somehow, because it should go without saying that birthdays and other special occasions are important.

At the same time, if he has ever remembered your birthday in the past then he really has no excuse, and if you’ve argued over this before then his mouth should fall off his face once this subject comes up. Now you have to ask yourself how far you see things going with this guy cause if he repeatedly (and this has to be repeatedly) forgets your birthday and anniversary then he clearly isn’t trying to remember, and by extension isn’t trying that hard at the relationship.

But since you sound like you’re really into the guy, let him know in advance that if he forgets your birthday the sanctions will be swift and terrible (possibly including your leaving). Its time for tough love and you can’t hold back with it.

Oh, and don’t knock him too much for remembering when a game is on, no true sports fan can resist (male or female). It, however, becomes a problem if he forgot your birthday but remembered there was a game on that day. Basically if he starts neglecting you in favor of a ball game then once again its time to consider walking. Once again, the practical fact is that if he cares, then what is important to you is important to him.

Your problems are never too huge, too weird or too small for Javier. Email your questions to allwoman@jamaicaobserver.com, write to allwoman c/o The Jamaica Observer, 40-421/2 Beechwood Avenue, Kingston 5 or fax 968-2025.