Cheesy pick-up lines

There are many men who have mastered the art of commanding women’s attention. But some men are just straight-up corny and their attempts at getting women’s attention fail miserably.

You see men, there has to be a certain level of skill attached. You have to have ‘game’. And by this, I don’t mean you ought to be the ultimate player or ‘con-artist’. I mean ‘game’ in the sense that when you are through, you should get us to talk to you freely and if you play your cards right, you may walk away with our phone numbers.

The experienced men know this, and they tend to ‘woo’ women with much skill, never overdoing it. Simple things can get us to talk to you. Let’s just say, by the time you are through, we should be laughing with you, not at you.

Pick-up lines do work sometimes, if you have the lyrics. But a word of caution to the men. People tend to emulate entertainers and use slang words and lines in lyrics when referring to women. Take for example Sean Paul’s collaboration with Keyshia Cole. In it, they sing, “Baby from mi look inna yu eyes mi know sey you want mi, when yu gonna give it up to me?” Men, you are not Sean Paul.

Using this as a pick-up line will possibly land you a black eye. Neither are you R Kelly, so telling a lady, “you remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride you,” almost certainly won’t get you the digits either. Another word of caution. Never ask us if we don’t like it when ‘good-looking’ men talk to us. Let us judge for ourselves if you fit the description, because chances are, if we never realised it beforehand, you pointing it out won’t turn on a light bulb in our heads.

I had the experience of meeting a guy not once but twice, whose pick-up lines were so lame, I thought I would have had a stroke while laughing. Here’s how it played out. I was cornered. I had nowhere to run, since my ‘attacker’ was in the taxi I was travelling in. Now, I choose the word attacker, because he attacked my ears for the whole journey. But I have to give him some credit, because he was smart enough never to start chatting while the taxi was stationary. Instead he waited until we were driving through some volatile area where I wouldn’t think of getting off.

In the first instance he proceeded to occupy every inch of space between me and him, though there were three of us in the backseat. The truth is, I let the majority of what he was whispering fly with the wind but the part that got me was when he stated, “Baby mi woulda like be the soldier inna your camp enuh”. I hadn’t heard that one before, but how can such a sexually connotative statement get a man anywhere?

Firstly, no woman should accept that she is seen as a mere sex object. Gone are the days when men dominate women and we had to comply to every sexual advance they made without complains. Therefore, a statement as this is not going to give you any points. In the words of Aaliyah, “Pick yourself up and try again”.

The next time I met him, his actions were the same but, different lyrics. “Baby your eyes are so bright, they remind me of a ‘peeniewallie’. How you sweet so? How you sexy so? Mi woulda like dance to your rhythm. Mi know yu woulda like dis ya chocolate”.

This went on for some time, and I said nothing. My problem was, I did not have very far to move since he, being quite a big fellow, made use of the space I was trying to create between us. Many of the things weren’t audible but I made the mistake and asked him quite sternly, “How come you one have so much lyrics?” He laughed, obviously missing the sarcasm in my tone. “A tru mi aah artiste still enuh. Mi soon bus. LC a mi name.”

Well Jamaica, I’d advise you to brace yourself really hard for this LC fellow, because when ‘him bus’ laughter may just kill us all. But then again, when a man can look at a woman and his best pick-up line is, “Baby yu fragrance so sweet, mi woulda live under yu arm”, then we will never truly be ready.

Yet, not all pick-up lines are corny. Ladies, never underestimate a man or judge him by the way he looks because chances are, the one who dresses professionally may just be the one with the depressing pick-up lines. And whether you want to believe it or not, ghetto guys are expert ‘pick-up liners’. When you see them on the corner, they are not just there to lyme. Picking up chicks becomes an art form for them which they master very well. Here’s an example.

While stuck in traffic one night, I rested my head on my hand since I was suffering from a minor headache. I had noticed the young men gathered on the street but they seemed to be laughing and minding their own business. So one can imagine how startled I was when I heard one say, “Baby, you have a headache? Take me, I will be your aspirin or whatever it is you take. I will make the pain go away”. We both laughed. Notice the difference? I was not laughing at him, but with him.

Another example is this: A guy walked up to me with a sincere look in his eyes and said, “Thanks”. Of course I was puzzled. So I asked, “Thanks for what?” He looked at me and said, “For being beautiful. You are very easy on the eyes”. What else could I have said then, but thanks? He replied, “No, thank you,” and walked away. Lines like these are not easily forgotten because of their originality.

So for the old man who flicked his tongue at me and asked if I wanted some, my advice to you is, take some lessons from these guys. They would be lessons well learnt.

So men, the next time you think of ‘wooing’ a lady, think twice about what you are going to say because chances are, you may be the joke of our get-togethers as we make a mockery of you and your corny pick-up lines.